APARTMENT FOOD HOBOS

LIFE AND DEATH!

2006-10-31T10:16:00.000-06:00

Guess what, screwballs? This blog is done! The new one is here: http://apartmentfoodhobos.wordpress.com/ BONUS!!!!! http://apartmentfoodhobos.wordpress.com/ http://apartmentfoodhobos.wordpress.com/ http://apartmentfoodhobos.wordpress.com/ http://apartmentfoodhobos.wordpress.com/

EL SUNDAY CORN HARVEST DINNER DELICIOSO

2006-10-15T22:14:00.000-05:00

Corn chowder prepared by Depew Social Society legendary tour de force Chris Sieeeebenthaalerrr. Below, onion cornbread pudding prepared by yours truly, recipe from the 1976 A Texas Hill Country Cookbook purchased in 2005 Calgary, Alberta Canada for one dollar at the used bookstore. Yep, I made some soul food. Mmmmm hmmm. Our complete Sunday dinner. You sir are looking at soup, herb salad w/ home-made vinaigrette, cod baked with mustard wasabi crust, cornbread and corn chowder. And a stack of Italian books on the floor. And now we settle in to a nice long evening of Austin Texas Allergy Attack courtesy of the current rain. JRW: Why do I live in Texas? With allergies like mine? Simple. Corn. I know, you can get corn anywhere. I was just attempting to make a little connection. There is none...except that this awesome corncentric meal was had in Texas. And I have allergies. And hey, isn't Grand Funk just the perfect way to remember this meal by? Yeah, I KNOW!

A PROMENADE OF THE STRANGE

2006-10-14T13:29:00.000-05:00

Concerned citizens... two new developments. Number one, our comments thangy is still jacked up. So much spam, so many settings changes, so much confusion. Number two, I got a terrifying email that this site is a "Google Whack". Upon hearing the news I dribbled my mouth full of coffee all over the keyboard and spasmed violently until I heard a "poof" sound whereupon I dissapeared into a cloud of black smoke. After coming too, I attended to Wikipedia where I tried to make sense of the madness. A "Google Whack"? For a second I thought this might mean I was coming close to my LONGTIME dream of making $180 off this site. Some people want to make millions off their websites-- I want to make $180. Anyways, apparently there are two words not joined by quotation marks that will bring up ONE search result on Google-- and ONE ONLY-- and we are that one search result. Here's a list of some others. But the two words... what are the two words? What are the two words?? I want so desperately to know... Peace out nerds, -KJJ

WE'RE DONE EATING - INTERNATIONAL GYOZA KING DAY - GYOZA KING RULES ALL - ONE LAND UNITED UNDER GYOZA KING

2006-10-12T23:21:00.000-05:00

Click to see a link to Youtube of our video of the super mysterious AGADASHI TOFU served at Gyoza King (a.k.a. best restaurant in North America) in Vancouver. The bonito flakes dance for like 15 minutes, its amazing. If you feel like eating something that looks like its alive and dancing on your plate, this restaurant is for you. Normally we dont do "restaurant reviews" but Gyoza King is only like our favorite place to eat ever. Do you like feeling like you're in authentic Tokyo but you're stuck in British Columbia?? Try Gyoza King! Above, mussels! Above: Scallops, mushrooms and onions! This was the most amazing thing I've eaten in half a year. Above: The famed gyoza! JRW was all crazy to go to his favorite place in Vancouver, Gyoza King. So I'm gonna, like, let him write all about this place. Take it away JRW... JRW: It took me a week to organize my thoughts about the whole GYOZA KING MIRACLE EXPERIENCE. I'd spent since last February reflecting on his majesty, so I was supremely PUMPED BIG TIME, to have dinner there again-I mean, damn...I flew 2000 miles. Have you flown US AIRWAYS? I thought the plane was gonna fall apart-I thought I was gonna wind up in the ocean, on a life raft, deciding who was gonna be the next meal. But I lived, if only to tell you this: I LOVE GYOZA KING. It was like the best of 3 of my favorite culinary worlds, Japanese and French (The vodka in my greyhound makes 3-Russian, if only for vodka. And stroganoff)). Buttery, gingery mussels in the kind of sauce you really want to just drink, action packed little prawn gyoza..oh man. Fried prawn in a wicked little wasabi mayo-dealie. Oh, and mega-cheap. Like...wicked.

CHEESE FARM ON GRANVILLE ISLAND

2006-10-12T23:05:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Yeah you're looking up there at that cheese and jumping up and down like a mouse being tossed around paradise. JRW: Loogies for weeks, people. Amazing.

CANADIAN THANKSGIVING 2006

2006-10-12T22:56:00.000-05:00

BEHOLD Cinnamon Sweet Rolls Blue Auvergne Cheese Pepper Pecorino Pineapple & Strawberries Chips & Salsa B-b-b-beer

Yes it happened again like a rash that won't quit, Canadian Thanksgiving. Trust us we are really grown up people. God, Francine looks so cute in this picture, seriously I f**king love that little dog. The blue cheese is from Auvergne where my ancient peeps were from, yes that is in FRANCE. I wish I could be serious for just one minute but its so hard. Okay, this dinner is a statement of optimism and its actually way too deep for you to understand. I mean, when is the last time you said to yourself, its Canadian Thanksgiving I am cranking the oven to 400 for ten minutes and cranking out a six pack of hot buns? This actually happened on Monday but its sort of a cute thing I do when I leave EVERYTHING till the last minute and put off making posts until I have a backlog of 10 meals. Call this a backblog.

LAST NIGHT I ATE A SANDWICH

2006-10-12T22:50:00.000-05:00

R.I.P. Sandwich. And R.I.P. Yankee pitcher dude that flew into that building. 10/11 Never F'In Forget. **Edit KJJ: Is this really insensitive? JRW: Who cares. Just cause he can throw a ball really fast? KJJ: I think you mean... he -could- throw a ball really fast...

OH SWEET LORD A LOAD OF CAULIFLOWER CURRIES

2006-10-12T22:40:00.000-05:00

KJJ: The original served at Yogi Vegetarian Restaurant on Commercial Drive in Vancoolver, and the imitation served at Our Apartment by the train tracks in Austin Texas UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Oh, I forgot to include some bitchiness in this post but I just remembered I am flat out ANGRY at the Heebmonster a.k.a. H-E-B of Hancock Centre - to my dismay they have seriously ethnically cleansed their shelves of any and all East Indian and Pakistani food products. You think I'm joking? I s**t you not, all curries have been removed, including Major Grey's chutney. Out of 1000 aisles in that stupid store they are now down to like 3 that actually sell food. I am trying to think of a witty way to explain the Indian couple shopping and looking around bummed and dismayed (as I was) in their attempt to locate their long gone familiar products but I cant think of anything here. What a joke. Please email me when H-E-B falls into the Earth, thanks!

THE CURIOUS HISTORY OF HUMAN STUPIDITY

2006-10-08T19:47:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Here is a picture of JRW at the Vancouver Aquarium, viewing a fucking MAJESTIC creature of the deep: a Beluga Whale. Yes, we toured the entire aquarium and saw all things great and small, a million exceptional little creatures all with talents that we will never come close to touching. The Vancouver Aquarium accepts sponsorship from Weyerhaeuser paper products. I am supposed to stand in front of their display outlining the forest management system and accept it as "science"? Shame on the Vancouver Aquarium for spreading disinformation. I liked how the display was trying to convince me that somehow forest management is beneficial to the ecosystem. It is beneficial to the paper and lumber industry and nothing further. Here is a picture of the last thing I saw on the way out of the gift shop. I believe this requires no explanation, but I would like to offer my sincerest condolences to the idiot that thought this was appropriate to sell in the gift store of an AQUARIUM, and further condolences to the fish and shelfish that humans have decided are not worthy of aquarium stardom, but ARE worthy of being cooked in garlic and onions.

SUPER JUDY'S SUPER DINNER

2006-10-08T19:35:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Oh hey, have you ever had dinner at Judy's? No?? Well suckers, I have-- and let me tell you it is a thing of beauty. You are looking at Salmon with a custardy almost sweet mayonnaise sauce, a perfect quiche, sourdough bread and greek style salad. Go ahead and take a few minutes to feel bad for yourself for not being invited to this dinner. I completely understand. Oh hey, have you ever had dessert at Judy's? NO?! HAHAHAHA too bad! Warm gingerbread with applesauce and vanilla ice cream. I'd like to congratulate Judy for making such a delicious meal. I'd also like to congratulate myself for being invited to eat it. Not only were we served dinner, but we were also invited to tour her superior art studio afterwards; for not only can she cook, she also makes the best textile artwork you've ever seen!! She's a keeper, thats for sure.

VANCOUVER VISUAL STREET FOODSTUFFS EPIC

2006-10-08T19:13:00.000-05:00

Note what appears to be a "Top 10" of best sellers... One of many local groceries on Commercial. It is entirely possible to shop locally, eliminating the need for driving a vehicle to bulk chain stores and also saving quite a pretty penny. The same apples that are $1.59 US per pound in Austin were $.49 CDN.

TANPOPO VANCOUVER BRITISH COLUMBIA CANADA

2006-10-05T13:06:00.000-05:00

KJJ: I broke my stomach. JRW: I watched it happen.

VANCITY: THE FEASTENING

2006-10-02T20:14:00.000-05:00

KJJ: The hobos (us) are in eastside VANCOUVER this week. We have plenty of positive things to report on the state of food in Vancity. In fact, I am so excited I can barely sit still. Do to a crucial brain mis-hap we obtained a giant memory card for our digital camera, but neglected to bring along our USB cable dealy what makes the pictures upload into the computer. So I am going to have to update with photos upon our return to AUSTIN Texas. Chinatown was boss and we were (as expected) run out of stores for taking pictures of some disgusting delicacies such as fish heads, mystery dried sea products, mystery dried fungus products, and general mystery products. Indiatown was also good to us and we s-s-s-scored a quadruple of bitchen' samosas. Little Italy was bueno, the caffe was spectdonkular. The Greeks have also blessed us with some stellar tzaziki. Big ups to Canada, I am crying because my country rules so hard. Anyways, we're gonna holler at you soon with pics and junk.

REVERSE RAMADAN

2006-09-27T20:41:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Ever since Ramadan hit, I have been pigging the f**k out. Its my way of saying thanks. JRW: It's funny because it's true. And she's taking me along with her. I can eat my weight in good food though. I can't tell you the number of times I've been asked where it all goes. "My leg is hollow ", I share, in my old man humor-speak. Texans, I tell ya! You see those things up there? They're aren't Texan, they're GYOZA, along with some SCRUMPTIOUS mushrooms, cooked in a teriyaki marinade. Yeah, talk about throwing some radness together. She took it to the house! You know what that means? YEAH< ME NEITHER! HAPPY RAMADAN!

A MESSAGE TO YOU RUBY'S

2006-09-27T20:31:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Whats so "Special"? Oh, Ruby's BBQ, thats all. JRW forgot our camera so we didnt get a picture of our dinners. But I can tell you that we were seated beside local Austin rock stars. I wont embarass myself by naming them. Because I embarassed myself enough when I flashed them and asked for their signatures and sat on their laps and spoon fed them barbecue sauce. Why did we eat at Ruby's? The answer is simple and complicated at the same time. Number one, I had some blood work done at the doctors office and I was woozey and disoriented. My hemogoblin count was way down. In fact, I barely remember driving home from the doctors office. I remember somehow gravitating to the fine cheese department of Central Market and buying a bottle of wine. When I got home JRW seemed enchanted by my request to eat red meat (for the hemogoblins). Do you like my joke above? See, I turned the famous song by the Specials, "A Message to You Rudy"... but I made it about Ruby's. Which is equally special.

LORD OF THE ROLLS

2006-09-25T23:11:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Ever wondered what the inside of a cabbage roll looks like? KJJ: Do you find yourself wanting a radish, but are sick and tired of the round radishes and you want something LONG AND SKINNY? JRW: It looks like KJJ took a discreet spy photo of something the government doesn't want you to see. Was she at Area 51 while I was in the restroom? What happened? What are these really? Remember in "Repo Man" when Emilio Estevez was shown the photo of what was in the trunk of the car everyone was after, and he laughed and then I think "Pablo Picasso" came on? It's kinda like that, except this time I'm not 13, sitting in the laundry room watching the edited version on Channel 13 on a 7" portable black and white tv screen while writing anarchy symbols on my jeans with bleach.

OLIVE PESTO PASTA WITH SWEET BUTTERED BEANS

2006-09-25T22:57:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Holy crapamoly its been nice in Austin lately, weatherwise. I finally got to take a walk. And no walk is complete without purchasing olive pesto for dinner. The old man and me strolled down to the store and grabbed pre-made organic olive pesto. Its easy enough to make yourself if you have a food processor. I mixed this onto fettucine and added a bounty of minced walnuts and feta cheese. Let me restate that so we are clear. Pasta + pesto + walnuts + feta. Got it? The green beans were prepared "fat" style. Lots of butter. I am digging this awesome Somerdale English butter. Made from cows that have British accents, neat huh? And it only has 300,000 calories per ounce. The ladies that work in the cubicles next to me would find that last fact FASCINATING as all they ever f**king talk about is their goddamned boring as hell food CRAVINGS. Why they so hungry all the time? All that is required of them is to sit on their butts? Anyways, I think you will appreciate these sweet buttered beans, they are 200,000 years ahead of their time: melt the butter and lightly saute the washed and trimmed green beans. Green beans will set you back approximately 0.03 cents per pound. When almost all the butter dissapears add enough water to cover. This will steam them and soften them a bit. Stare directly at them while they cook and send, like, really intense love vibes. When nearly all the water is cooked off, add milk to cover, a dash of cream and sprinkle flour, salt and sugar. Cook for another 10 or 15 mins.

BOUNTY OF ROLLS

2006-09-24T15:52:00.000-05:00

Cabbage Rolls //get the biggest cabbage money can buy. //boil it whole until it turns dark green. //meanwhile cook rice. //meanwhile fry minced mushrooms, a green pepper, minced onions with salt and pepper, a touch of rosemary, and a touch of paprika. resist the temptation to add italian spices like basil or oregano. for this is a POLISH meal. //frying some minced bacon is optional. it does add some flavour, but then you've gone and killed a gentle animal for your dinner. these are fine without meat. never ever make a cabbage roll using ground beef. //remove the cabbage from the boiling water and when its cool enough very carefull peel the leaves off. getting 12 leaves out of 1 cabbage is great. I asked JRW to put on some cabbage roll making music while I cooked these. fortunately we DO own that LP of Russian Classics that the kids are so crazy about. //fill each leaf with rice, the mushroom & onion mixture and some more salt and pepper. //lightly oil a casserole dish and add maybe a quarter cup of tomato sauce to the bottom. nestle the little cabbage rolls together in the dish. pour more tomato sauce overtop of them until they are just covered. //bake at about 375 for half an hour or so. KJJ: Cabbage rolls are delicious and what I usually cook at Christmas or when I have a busy week and want to prepare some dinners in advance. The problem is, I love them so much I gobble them down and they dont usually last too long. JRW had never had them before I cooked them in Canada for him. Its a regional thing. I miss the little ethnic mom'n'pop cafes that you usually find in a big city, Eastern European, Greek, Middle Eastern hole'n'the walls that will like sell you tobacco and kalamata olives and also take any bets you might like to place on the horse races. Oh Jesus Christ I forgot to mention the Lemon Meringue pie that JRW brought home for me. This is all I want in life. Lemon Meringue pie. But back to the cabbage rolls. The variety food rolled into cabbage around the world is simply stunning. I was aware of the asian variety (delicious but usually heavy on the pork) but until just now, did not know there is a Finnish variety. I must attempt these. The future of middle earth depends on it. They are called "Kaalikaaryleet". I do not know what measurement a "dl" is. I am also not sure what "cabbage cooking liquid" is?

Kaalikääryleet

(for four - five persons)

- 1 large white cabbage - water, salt 1 tsp/1 l Filling: - 400 g of lean minced pork or beef - 1 onion - 1 dl cabbage cooking liquid - 2 dl chopped cabbage

- 2 dl boiled rice - 1 tsp salt - 1/4 tsp white pepper - 1 tsp marjoram Topping: - 1-2 tblsp syrup - butter or margarine - Cabbage cooking water for basting Gravy: - 3 dl pan juice - 2 tblsp flour - a little cream

Cut the stalk off the cabbage and cook the cabbage in salted water until the leaves are soft. You can carefully loosen the outer leaves as they soften. Lift the cooked cabbage onto a large plate to drain. Loosen the leaves one by one and chop the small inner leaves for the filling.

Finely chop the onion and fry in small amount of oil until translucent but not brown. Combine the meat, rice, chopped cabbage and seasonings into a smooth mixture. If the mixture is too thick, add some more of the cabbage cooking water.

Flatten the cabbage leaves. Lift a good tablespoonful of filling onto the leaf and roll it up tucking the edges round the mixture.

Place the rolls side by side in a baking dish, pour syrup and a little fat over them.

Bake the rolls for 1 hour at 200 °C. Half way turn the rolls over and baste them every now and then with the cabbage water.

Strain the pan juices and thicken with flour mixed with water. Add a little cream.

Serve the cabbage rolls with boiled potatoes and lingonberry purée.

---

Oh yes, lingonberry puree. I have cans and cans of that in my pantry. No problemo. Here's a link to some Chinese cabbage rolls that look very very pretty. And finally, I found a recipe for Mexican cabbage rolls. JRW: Yeah, so sometimes my job is to set the mood of the kitchen. I didn't have any Polish music, so I busted out 'Volga Boatmen'. It turned the affair into a bit of a heavy bummer, not the mood for a good cabbage roll dinner, unless you are in a gulag or something. So, I think I switched it to Black Sabbath, which is perfect for ANYTHING ( don't argue with me, it is). If we do the Finnish version, I'll play some Emperor or Mayhem or something.

TIME TRAVEL YAM

2006-09-19T21:26:00.000-05:00

KJJ: This is Time Travel Yam Curry. It is called that because it is what we ate for dinner. TWO NIGHTS AGO. In all honesty its not so much a "curry". Its more like a cilantro lemony tikka masala. It consists entirely of chickpeas and sweet potatoes aka. YAAAMMMMMS. JRW ate so much he nearly 'sploded and couldnt laugh because it hurt so much. On the subject of dinner conversation: I tried to tell JRW a story but apparently I was interrupting the precious Grand Funk Railroad grooves and he looked at me gently and put his finger to his lips and said..."shhhhhh". He has also stopped what he was doing several times to make mini air guitar riffs. "Here comes the best part." "This is the best part." "This part sounds like an alien cat." "Or a panther. An angry panther." "You'll like this song, its about a long cold winter." "This is just good rock." "I love this sound. Listen here it comes again." "This makes me want to smoke pot." "Oh my gosh that a Beastie Boys sample!" [Don't you mean the Beastie Boys sampled this?] "Yeah! Thats what I said!"

DOMESTICACCIATORE

2006-09-19T21:13:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Bienvenudes amigolos, here we see Francine with some Chicken Cacciatore and a nice glass of milk. This photo should be in the freakin' Louvre. To make a cheater's cacciatore do this: Soften onions in olive oil, sprinkle with ground thyme. Add chicken and brown the outsides. Sprinkle with thyme, basil, salt and pepper. Add some mushrooms and zucchini. Simmer in a tomato based sauce. This feels like a good home cooked meal, son-of-a-gun. Be sure to listen to the entire Grand Funk Railroad album while you eat it. None of this MP3 business. Sprinkle with Parmesan and lay on bed of al dente pasta. OH MAN Jeffrey Steingarten is pumping out some great food articles in Vogue. Jeffrey Steingarten should be in the freakin' Louvre.

DO THEY HAVE THIS IN AMSTERDAM??!

2006-09-17T21:59:00.000-05:00

Nooooo............KJJ: Above, chopped spicy beef, spicy bbq beans, creamy coleslaw. Those square things are white breads, like duh. Above, sliced snausage, black beans, mustard potato salad, assorted onions'n'pickles. And white breads. My initial comments to JRW: thank you for bringing me to your country. We met up with some wonderful friends from Mississippi. Personally, I love how their accents all sound like Britney Spears. One of our companions tried to eat three different animals on one plate. With regard to this meal, its really hard to explain Texas BBQ. And its hard to explain how it converts vegetarians (everyone we shared this meal with at once time was a vegetarian). The first thing I would try to mention is the wonderful smell. Everytime I drive down Red River street into downtown I get a whiff of it and it reminds me of being in India or someplace. For me, its the smell. It gets me like those old cartoons of characters following their nose to dinner. Its also usually a meal you share with people. And sharing is good. People are good. Sharing with people. Good. Sharing. Much discussion was had about the renegade E Coli bacteria infested bagged spinach. Thats some pretty gnarly stuff. Nobody is going to want to eat their spinach now. I'd like to mention that packaged salads are the most dangerous things you can buy at fast food places, because they do not cook them, hence no chance of bacterias being obliterated by the heat. Some deep thoughts: Does it matter how you die? Montreal: Hail of bullets. One dead, many injured. US: Bad spinach. One dead, many sick. ???? In other apartment news, I have obtained a new cookbook that I am very excited about called "ASIAN" and its focus is... ummmm.... Asian food. I'm pumped because it seems to have a good assortment of tropical Asian and Indian recipes. A nice combo.

GAYLE'S GARLIC FETA PASTA

2006-09-17T21:46:00.000-05:00

KJJ: This is a recipe my old friend and housemate Gayle made once. I have a mind of steel so I instantly memorized the details of its construction and have cooked it often over the years. //heat oil, add like 6 cloves of minced garlic (yeah, lots and lots. cancel any plans you have for the evening). //slice a load of roma tomatoes into quarters or eighths. this time i used cherry tomatoes. they were so-so. cook in the oil until they're soft and release the juices. mmm.... juices. //boil pasta. what you are seeing above is something the italians call... "rigatoni". //once everything is done, stir it all together in the pot. drizzle some olive oil, and heres the kicker-- sprinkle a small handful of basil into it. stir. serve. //oops I forgot to mention the feta. the feta! you need lots to make it tasty. you crumble or slice little cubes of it and put it into the pasta. we all know its the best part, so dont be stingy. Hey, so the SWAT team stormed a house by our studio. Thats a story for another blog. Just... puttin' that out there.

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND

2006-09-14T22:15:00.000-05:00

HURRY! DINNER'S READY!! KJJ: So the boss says to me, he says, "you gotta update your hobo site", and I'm all muttering to myself under my breath as I eat my tuna sandwich, "the only boss I listen to is Springsteen", but then I think to myself, self, "you gotta update your hobo site." So there you have it. I've missed posting some gems, some real doozies... some bona fide gourmet creations. We had the heebie jeebies over posting for a while since JRW got semi-stalked (you know who you are). We dont want to write about certain barbershops anymore, for example. Thats for the birds. But I digress. May I present, a typical Thursday at like the fucking coolest duplex in Austin: Still life with Cajun Alaskun Salmun, and Butter Zucchini w/ Baby Lima Beans. The salmon looks skimpy cause thats my plate and I was feeling finicky tonight. Oh why do I lie? I was feeling like a fat-ass so I gave the bigger piece to JRW.

SILENCE

2006-07-07T16:34:00.000-05:00

It really pains me to say this, but I have to be honest. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because I'm still holding out hope that our love will be re-united.... but I got really sick from El Chilito last night. I think they might be El Finito for us, for a while at least. Y'know... for a couple weeks the elephant in the room has been the fact that they cant wrap their burritos properly. Big mistake in a town where PRO burrito wrassling and wrapping can be had quite readily. Am I being picky? No, I am not. There is a LOT of juice and fillings that fall out of those lil puppies. The concept should be: food contained WITHIN the tortilla, no? Then there was the issue of sometimes your burrito was giant, sometimes it was tiny. We darn near had that happen in the same order one time! Then, last night, they gave me the wrong thing, in the wrong tortilla, with the wrong toppings... I ate it anyway because I'm not a pain in the ass. There lay my mistake. Adios amigo...

WHY FRO NO HOBOS?

2006-07-05T20:48:00.000-05:00

We've been busy moving! And guess what- our new kitchen is like a COUNTRY kitchen! Do you think we will start baking biscuits and grits? Maybe. We have lots and lots and lots of love to give you... and lots and lots of twisted dinner table writing to lay on your noggins'. Start your cubicle day with a shot of good old fashioned spicy leftovers. And.... make them Hobo leftovers. (I have no idea what I'm talking about). (Actual authors not exactly as shown in picture. We wear a lot more denim.)

BACK FROM THE DEAD

2006-07-05T20:40:00.000-05:00

KJJ: How can something so insanely delish look so redonkulously shiteous? That is a mystery for Merlin to solve. I cant declare with any certainty what the answer to that nightmarish question is. I really want to share this recipe with you, the world, and not make this post snotty and all about, like, ME. I'll try. No promises, but I'll try. Those slimy things in the pic are portobello mother effin mushrooms in orecchiette pasta. I believe the translation is loosely "little ears", as the pasta shape resembles.... uhhh... a little ear. Ask Merlin about that too, to be extra careful. If you've got some pine nuts, rosemary and some mustard, you are ready to THROW DOWN on this recipe. We had previously never tasted anything quite like this. JRW said it was one of the best we've ever made. The photo really doesnt do it justice. 1/4 cup pine nuts (1 1/4 oz.) 2 1/2 cups small dried pasta shapes, such as orecchiette or gnocchi (9 oz.) 2 1/2 Tbs. olive oil 8 oz. portobello mushrooms, stemmed and thinly sliced (4 cups) 1 1/2 tsp. salt 6 medium cloves garlic, finely chopped 1 large red onion, thinly sliced 1 1/2 Tbs. minced fresh rosemary 1/2 to 1 tsp. red pepper flakes 1/4 cup vegetable broth 1/2 cup mirin or dry white wine 1/2 cup Dijon mustard

Directions:

1. In dry wok, cook pine nuts over low heat, stirring often, until lightly toasted, 2 to 3 minutes. Transfer to plate and set aside.

2. In same wok, bring 2 1/2 quarts lightly salted water to a boil over high heat. Add pasta; stir to prevent sticking. Cook, stirring occasionally, until just tender, 10 to 12 minutes. Drain well and set aside. Dry wok.

3. Set wok over high heat and add 1 1/2 tablespoons oil. Add mushrooms and 1 teaspoon salt and stir-fry until tender, about 2 minutes. Transfer to medium bowl and set aside.

4. Return wok to high heat and add remaining 1 tablespoon oil. Add garlic and onion and stir-fry 1 1/2 minutes. Add remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt, rosemary and pepper flakes and stir-fry 1 1/2 minutes. Add broth and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer 2 minutes, scraping up brown bits from bottom of wok. Add to bowl with mushrooms.

5. Return wok to high heat. Add mirin and mustard and stir with wire whisk to blend. Bring to a simmer then add reserved pasta and mushroom mixture and cook, stirring, 2 minutes. Toss in toasted pine nuts and serve.

TASTE THE F**KING DEFEAT

2006-06-22T18:24:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Thats right, the Stanley cup left its rightful home of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and hitched a misguided ride of sorrow to Carolina. Yeah, sure, I'm posting this late. But whatevers. It still stings. How do you add to the awfulness? Well, I shall tell you. By eating a bitter, bitter stir-fry. And getting hot chili pepper in your eye. And getting attacked by chiggers. Like seriously attacked. I read this really weird yet sort of fascinatingly interesting interview with Jack Nicholson in a 1971 Playboy the other night. I'm just putting that out there. Neither the Stanley Cup nor Jack Nicholson 1971 have much to do with this stir fry. So, how are things with you?

AVOCADO BEAN PASTA whatever.....

2006-06-22T18:16:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Bet you thought we had died from a heart-attack due to our last meal post below. ha ha ha ha ha YEAH RIGHT! As you can see, from the photograph above, we mixed black beans, corn, avocados, cherry tomatoes and some other junk into a pasta salad. Southwestern, bitches!

WHITE TRASH POLISH SOCCER FEVER CITY OF CHAMPIONS WEENIES AND BEANS

2006-06-14T22:46:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Betcha thought because of the slow updates we've been on a diet or havent eaten in the last few days. HA HA HA HA --- YEAH RIGHT.

SUNDAY DINNER AND DESSERT

2006-06-11T21:28:00.000-05:00

KJJ: We put those juicy flank steak pieces on a Thai-esque / Teriyaki salad of my own invention. It had cashews, minced carrots and napa gabbage as its fundamentals. Is this where I mention it was awesome? Because it was. The raspberries are dessert. Is this where I tell you that the barbershop butchered my husbands long black "Medellin Cartel" locks? Because they f'ing did!!!! They scalped him BAD. I mean, he's a babe so he still looks fine. But these last couple of days have been rough, dudes. (See post below regarding toxic gas). I guess if you go for a walk around your neighbourhood and find a creepy faux tarot card that says "FAILURE" on it.... dont push your luck and get your hair cut an hour later! Oh well, Edmonton is going to win the Stanley Cup so things will work out. Right? RIGHT, EDMONTON??? You're going to win. I am simply enraged with this common sense plan for you to win the Stanley Cup.

FRITTATA TRAGEDY OF MECHANICAL PROPORTIONS

2006-06-11T21:22:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Well this sucked. I created a magnificent Mexican black bean frittata... when disaster struck. Seems the new (ALL METAL) pan I used was not oven safe. The paint coating on the (all metal) handle realized a shiteous toxic gas. Life is f**king cruel sometimes, you feel me? All that work and all those ingredients down the drain. We had to air out the apartment and go for a walk. How's that for hard luck? Buncha gassed out losers is what we were. For dinner we split a coke that we bought at the gas station because I only had a buck fifty on me.

THE LONG GOOD EDAMAME AND STIR FRI-DAY

2006-06-11T20:51:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Hello. This is an udon and snow-pea stir fry with edamame. I cant remember when we ate this, and theres not really much to say about it. In these times of Texas apartment heat, you gotta cook fast. No time for baking or slow-cooking. Just heat the noodles, quickly stir fry / steam the vegetables and be done with it. So instead of speaking further with regard to mundane stir-fry, let me instead tell you about The Long Good Friday starring Bob Hoskins and Helen Mirren. We watched it (possibley while eating this, I have no idea, my short term memory is a question mark) and loved it. The dudes are bad-ass and London in the late 70s is a trip. I was very overcome with emotion everytime they showed the characters driving around in the black Jaguar XJ6 - the same colour and model I used to drive. *Sniff* *Sniff*. When I watch movies like this one, I get a huge kick out of the styles and I will be stealing Helen Mirren's hairdo ASAP. Bob Hoskin's character owns a pub and that also brought back some great memories of hanging out at the pub. Like, a real authentic English pub. I used to go the Ship & Anchor. During its prime years you'd see the ska dudes in suits, skinheads, punkers, the old British drunks, soccer teams, the younger skaters and bike couriers. What a super joint. I remember all the nights we'd stumble home, stopping at 7-11 for "banger chips" aka nacho chips and velveeta cheese and sit in the alley or on the curb eating them. We'd be frozen popsicles when we got home. In the winter that was always the excuse for drinking so much. We'd have to have enough to not feel the cold. Ahh memories. Le sigh. There were lots of disasterous nights too, ending in fights or crawling home on your hands and knees on the ice and snow. I guess I can't get too sentimental. Hey wait? The movie! Yeah, ummm... I specifically want to mention the ABSURDLY AWESOME soundtrack by Francis Monkman. If you are wanting to go "beyond Moroder" check-check-check it! I did a little research and Francis Monkman was this monster of harpsichord, classically trained, the whole nine yards. Worked in the realms of bizzarro French electronic operas and shit - stuff that is just straight up weird - but this soundtrack is dynomite! PS Check the cameo by a very young Pierce Brosnan. I've been listening to Bronski Beat ever since watching the swimming pool scene!

DONT TRY THIS AT HOME AND DONT SIT NEXT TO ME

2006-06-06T20:49:00.000-05:00

KJJ: This is what our breath looked like after we ate a "Barley Onion Garlic Onion Onion Tabbouli w/ Onion and Garlic Tabbouli". Sure there were other ingredients, like soothing LEMON JUICE... but oddly they didnt mask the mighty mighty power. It burned. JRW made it. He'll corrupt your world.

HOMESLICE PIZZA MOJITO ULTRA-VENGEANCE

2006-06-03T17:37:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Mojito's ruined us last night. It got to a point where I was making my OWN drinks (never a good thing). The last concoction I created was vodka, Canada Dry, a topper of cranberry juice and mojito remnants (a sludge of highly flammable limes and garden mint). What a catastrophe. JRW went down for the count after SUPPOSEDLY committing to being the designated driver. (Dont worry, we had some sober friends drive us home. We aint goin' out like that). Its been a while since I punished myself with alcohol like that. What is the cure for the resulting pain? There is none. There is only therapy. Here is what I did. Phase One WATER TAMALE HOUSE (2 egg and cheese breakfast tacos) WATCH THE FRENCH OPEN FOR 3 HOURS Phase Two WARM BATH EXTRA STRENGTH TYLENOL REGRET & EMBARASSMENT COFFEE Phase Three MEET FRIENDS, SIT IN THE SUN, SWEAT IT OUT ICED TURBO COFFEE Phase Four (4pm) HOMESLICE ARTICHOKE AND MUSHROOM PIZZA Lets talk about Homeslice Pizza. Its got great atmosphere. The staff are friendly. Sit at the bar and watch the kitchen dudes and dudettes make the pie. Its like watching a pleasant movie. The star character this time was someone named Ray. We dont know the story, but from our detective work he seemed to be an older, wiser Pizza Wizard brought to Homeslice to assist and educate. I could be wildly wrong. Ray wore a denim chef's shirt with a LARGE GOLDEN MEDALLION over his semi-exposed chest. He politely re-arranged the kitchen set-up, but worked with seriousness as he pounded the dough and spun the soft discs above his head- crafting a magical pizza spell. Ray KNEW what he was doing. After we boxed up the remains of our meal, he dissappeared in a puff of smoke! PS There seems to be somesort of moustache homage happening at Homeslice which was really funny and kind of weird since JRW has an INTENSE curled moustache happening at the moment. In our hungover state it was a little David Lynch-esque to walk in there and see all the moustache imagery. Kind of like walking into your bathroom and seeing a stranger brushing their teeth. PPS Our comments seem to be working again! PPSS I just noticed Homeslice Pizza is closed on Tuesdays! This seems noteworthy and I'd hate for someone to venture there on a TUESDAY based on our endorsement and then be like "what the hell, bro?!"

SO ANGRY!

2006-06-02T16:57:00.000-05:00

Yep. I just found out our damn hell comments don't work! Damn hell!

WONDEROUS SALAD

2006-06-01T22:10:00.000-05:00

WARM LENTIL VEGETABLE SALAD WITH FETA, DRIED CURRANTS AND DILL 3 cups water 1 cup brown lentils, picked over (to remove pebbles) 2 large carrots, peeled and sliced into coins 2 large parsnips, peeled and sliced into coins 1/2 cup minced red onion, divided 1/2 cup dried craisins (wtf is a craisin?) 2 large beets, peeled and diced 1 cup rice wine vinegar 1/3 cup chopped fresh dill 3 tablespoons sugar 2 cloves garlic, minced 2 teaspoons olive oil Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste 12 cups cleaned mesclun lettuce 4 ounces feta cheese, crumbled (about 1/2 cup) //Combine water, lentils, carrots, parsnips and 1/4 cup onion in a large saucepan. Bring just to a boil. Reduce heat to low and partially cover; simmer 15 minutes, or until lentils and vegetables are tender. Drain; transfer to salad bowl. Toss with remaining onion and currants. //Steam beets for 10 minutes. Let cool. //Combine vinegar, dill, sugar and garlic in a small bowl. Whisk until sugar is dissolved. Whisk in oil. Pour 2/3 of dressing over lentil mixture and toss to combine. Add salt and pepper. //Divide mesclun among six large plates. Drizzle with an equal portion of remaining dressing. Top with an equal portion of warm lentil mixture, beets and feta cheese. KJJ: This recipe is from a magazine. It was a wild and wonderous combination of flavours. I havent eaten parsnips since I was as little as a bouncing bean and my dad made me pick them out of the back garden. JRW had an ass kickin' time making this with me because it involved so much CUTTING and he wanted to use his new knives. The amounts above serve 6. We divided in half and had much more than enough for 2 people. So the measurements are sort of jacked up. USE YOUR EYEBALLS is what I always say. Warning: This salad, if the lentils are even slightly undercooked, will bring a code 11 level of gaseousness, you dig what I'm saying?

WHAT THE VEGGIE BURGER?

2006-06-01T22:06:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Veggie Burgers are weird. Lets just be honest. They're infinitely better than sucking down a cow patty - but still... they're always a bit of a question mark. Environmentally, most of them seem pretty tragic with their multiple plastic packages and cardboard boxes... strange pre-formed processed disks... Harumph. Good corn on the cob though!

LADIES AND GERMS WE HAVE A WEINER!

2006-06-01T20:05:00.000-05:00

For many reasons I have no choice but to award a chap named Omar the winning caption prize. His caption references sasquatch. Thats about all I need.

"Find... my brother... the one I left behind... He's underneath... Sasquatch's penis... and to the left... fiiiiiind him! (Wheeze.)"

Omar wins a nice shiny new deck of cards with original illustrations by some of the world's top poster designers! Yay! (JRW designed the King of Diamonds, shown below). And now... we will smash open the coconut that started this madness and feast on his meaty brains.

TACO WAR PREMONITIONS AND COCONUT-FACE REMINDER

2006-05-30T19:36:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Recently in the Austin chronicle, a small article of some interest appeared that most people probably bypassed, but of which I took GREAT note. Apparently, El Dorado Meat Market (located next to Tamale House) is going to start selling tacos. This put a knot in Tamale House's undies and it somehow made news. Personally, I think that to be where your competition is, is essentially good business. But the main reason I am interested in documenting these developing taco wars is... we can almost watch them from our living room window. Thats right, we live a hop-skip-and train track-jump away from the impending battle zone. And I got a jar full of quarters ready to spend on my breakfast tacos. For those that arent from the Tex-zone, a breakfast taco is a mild, unassuming creature, usually valued at approximately 80 cents. They dont seem like much, but they will go DOWN for a comrade (you, the eater) and sacrifice themselves to save you from crushing hangovers, morning hunger, or sometimes even mid-morning hunger. Tamale House as recently as Saturday morning saved my life. KJJ: Lets talk about the Taco wars. JRW: My main concern is that I hope I don't get wounded eating all those tacos. KJJ: What do you foresee happening? JRW: I think Tamale house will have to reduce their price again and it will be just like 1992 and every crusty punk and heroin junky could eat there really cheap for pocket change. Thus the legacy of Tamale house will prevail. I dont think El Dorado stands a chance. I've been in there, I've seen the conditions. I think their generals are disorganized. KJJ: Lets back up a minute. El Dorado is way more organized! They're all neat and tidy inside... JRW: They look good on the surface, but I got bad vibes from El Dorado. KJJ: You're just talking to make your mouth move. JRW: They were all oogling some 16 year old girl, it was totally creepy. KJJ: Don't you think that people will be interested in trying something new? JRW: Its going to be hard to get people to veer away from Tamale House. El Dorado is going to have to have an incredible taco. KJJ: I can tell you one thing, that parking lot is going to be a clusterfuck. JRW: That parking lot is already a clusterfuck... Whoever has the cheapest tacos is going to win the war. KJJ: You know who I think is going to win? Whoever opens on Sunday. One of them needs to say, screw you Jesus, I am not going to church today. JRW: Whoever the pagan is, wins. KJJ: Whoever the cheapest pagan is, wins. __________________________________________ On another note, I would also like to remind readers that the picture of the coconut that showed up in our fridge still needs a caption. Look at it, all needy needy needy... Please email apartmenthobos at hotmail.com with your caption. There will be an awesome prize and when I say awesome prize, I am as serious as the Berlin Wall. I will announce the winning caption on June 1st.

I'M BACK.

2006-05-28T17:18:00.000-05:00

JRW: Hola blog, it's been a long time since I rappped at ya. I've been so busy lately, with the Festiva and all, I MEAN, FESTIVITIES. You see, it was my birthday last week. I know what you're thinking, why did my birthday prevent me from writing you in 3 weeks? Well, dude, you know, things just HAPPEN. Life, sometimes it just gets in the way-you get up in the morning, go to work all day, and you're like, "yeah, I could probably write the blog, but let me just check craigslist real quick and see if anyone's selling any scooters. Oh SNAP, an Ensoniq EPS, for $125? Dang, I need to scoop that up! Let me just check my bank account and see how muh I have left...Oh man, did I pay the phoen bill?". Yeah, you know how it is. And then, it was my birthday, and man, I've been ROYALLY distracted because I scored so many wicked goodies, and had such a great party thrown for me by my sweet ol' lady...did I tell you I scored some new knives? HELLS YEAH. Henckels. Damn right, they feel good, cut good, and look good (I know it should be cut WELL, but I'm taking my poetic license, YO). I also got some bamboo cutting boards, a 3 cup espresso maker (since I spaced out and torched KJJ's and melted the handle), and this yellow skillet-it's like Elle Decor come the life in my house. So, yeah. I've been a little preoccupied. I'm really, really sorry. For real. So. Are we straight? Cool. check the sandwich I made to be the counterpart to KJJ's "The Martha". It's a tiny little morsel, powerful because it is jammed with flavor. Here's the outline: 10 grain bread (it's like a kung fu move), 3 slices of cucumber, horseradish, spicy dijon and 2 pieces of Knight's Vale cheese. I spared myself the mystical healing powers of kimchee, so I quite pleasantly mine. It's also only about 3 inches from end to end. Therefore, it has come to ber known as "The Liliputian".

NEW SANDWICH CREATED: "THE MARTHA"

2006-05-28T16:27:00.000-05:00

KJJ: You know what I say? I say f**k celebrity worship. Sure, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt squeezed out a new human this weekend. Does that take talent? Not really. What takes real talent is creating a new sandwich. This one is called "The Martha". I have dedicated it to my mom, who is also named Martha. Martha has put up with a lot of my crazy shit over the years. Like the time she went on vacation and came home to everything in the house labelled. Or all those times I drew monster faces on the eggs and oranges. Or that time I borrowed $8,000 for art school. Or that time I moved 2,000 miles away to Texas. Well lady- its payback time. Not in the form of $8,000-- but in the form of a sandwich only my mother could love. This was one sweat-inducing indulgence. It was so mean yet so delicious it made my temples perspire. Here are the gruesome details: -"Rubshlager RYE-OLA" black rye bread (the Ayatollah of Rye-Ola!) -Horseradish -Mustard -Spicy sprouts -Knight's Vale cheese -Pat of mayo -REAL tomatoes- not the sad, tasteless cardboard grocery store tomatoes -and the kicker: a side of KIM-CHEE By the end of eating this sandwich I was on my knees whimpering "you win!... YOU WIN!" Only the creamy, disgustingly pungent Knight's Vale cheese added any sort of humility to this bold, bold sandwich. Did you know that the Koreans are investigating Kim Chee as a means of preventing bird flu? The theory is that kim chee properties could be integrated into household air filters. I dunno about killing bird flu viruses, but this kim chee certainly broke up any internal psychological stagnation within me. Here's an approximation of my facial expressions as worked my way through the horseradish, mustard and kim chee. If I had added even a dill pickle to this monstrosity, I surely would have puckered up and imploded. Kim chee is magick.

CAPTION ME CONTEST

2006-05-28T10:20:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Here is a picture of the coconut that lives in our fridge. It just showed up one day, and we don't know what its problem is. Can you think of a good caption for this photo? If so, please email apartmenthobos at hotmail.com There will be an awesome prize. We are entirely serious. I will announce the winning caption on June 1st.

NEW BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE

2006-05-23T20:03:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Great news bitches, we have two new friends who said amazing, beautiful, honest, radical things about our blog. THIS is why we continue to do this stupid thing. For the little guys. The little guys who are the same as us. Equal. Equal little guys. Who made us laugh our ass off. And ......now we're linked forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... First: Domestic Goodies. Has a review of Apartment Food Hobos ever made us laugh as hard? I. Think. Not. Second: Mixing Memory: A Blog I Found and a Question . Guys, I dont want to alarm you.... but I think this person could be a real live genius. Most likely the smartest person who ever linked to Apartment Food Hobos. For real.

SUPREME ASIAN GRAINS MY LOVELIES

2006-05-23T18:09:00.000-05:00

KJJ: This salad is boss. I f**king kid you not, I am simply enraged with passion over this common sense plan for a salad. //1 15 oz can chickpeas, drained, rinsed // 1 med cucumber, chopped //1 sweet red pepper //2 ears fresh corn, boiled and cooled (stick in the freezer for a min) //3 tbsp hoisin sauce. thats right, hoisin. you didnt see that coming, did you? //2 tbsp soy sauce //1/2 tsp garlic chili paste Its Asian influenced. What an unusual mixture of flavours. I'd like to leave you with this endorsement that I received in a spam email today. I think it sums up my attitude towards this dish: "%TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT"

BIRTHDAY BONANZA STILL LIFE!

2006-05-21T22:51:00.000-05:00

BIRTHDAY STILL LIFE WITH VINTAGE SHEEPDOG, VINTAGE PLAYBOYS and VINTAGE STILTON CHEESE KJJ: That's right, it is JRW's birthday today and we have been busy being spoiled goofballs all weekend. It seems like we are funnier, happier and laugh harder at stupid jokes on birthdays. It is a thing of beauty. Everyone, once in a while, should start of their day eating chocolate cheesecake in bed! And end their day eating stilton with an asian pear - goddammit that was good! We've been having fun my precious peeps. Stay golden, keep the vibe alive, life's a garden - dig it, and get busy living or get busy dying. HUZZAH!

I AM CURIOUS YELLOW SALMON SANDWICH

2006-05-17T21:52:00.000-05:00

SMOKED SALMON AND CREAMCHEESE SANDWICH WITH ITALIAN VINAIGRETTETTEETTE ON WALNUT BREAD, OLIVES, AND KNIGHTS VALE CHEESE KJJ: The Knight's Vale cheese stank up my life and won my heart. God almighty. A finer cheese I have rarely tasted. Soft and creamy but as pungent as the old dirty foot of a Hungarian gypsy trapped in the South of Spain during WWII. Speaking of pungent, lets talk about smoked salmon. You take a stinky, stinky fish like salmon (--good stinky, I aint hatin') and you increase the stink with the addition of smokeifying. Then you sell it to me for 10 bucks? AHA HA HA HA!! GENIUS!!!

WHY TRY THAI APARTMENT SALAD?

2006-05-16T18:04:00.000-05:00

KJJ: I had to upload some positive energy into our living sphere, so I made this "salad". The dressing (pictured above) was mouth watering. Here are the details: //flank steak 1/2 lb - season with salt and pepper and broil for about 7 mins each side //napa aka chinese cabbage - shred up a pile of that //mint, fresh //cilantro, fresh //1-2 cups carrots, shredded or massacred in the food processor //scallions, about 5 - diced dressing: //orange juice or orange juice concentrate - about 1/4 cup //fresh squeezed lime juice - i used the juice of 3 or 4 limes //1 tbspn or to taste of diced or grated jalapeno //brown sugar, a couple tablespoons to taste //combine, serve with tropical fruit, this time we sampled something called a "BANANA"... JRW: I hear those things are close to extinction. That's just what I hear.

KERBEY PAIN

2006-05-13T15:49:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Just had the world's crummiest brunch at Kerbey Lane. The usually satisfying experience of eating there was backed over by a pick-up truck of dissapointment, sadness, and regret. This is time we're never going to get back, my homies. My time is precious, not Kerbey Lane's time. My time. This is my time. It does not take an hour for the runniest eggs ever to be made and brought to our table. I know it doesnt. No explanation our courtesy was extended. Here's what happened: 11:30 - JRW and I order. He has your usual breakfast platter. I have salmon tacos. 12:00 - After like 1/2 a painful hungover hour we see people that sat down after us getting their food. 12:05 - Our waitress remains silent and unavailable. We remain the only table without food. I start seeing pixies dancing in front of me due to hunger. I can't shake my hangover until I eat. 12:10 - Our food arrives. How long does it take to fry an egg? 12:12 - JRW's eggs disintegrate into the runniest mess of yolk I've ever seen. We are gripped by confusion. Send them back and risk another 20 minute wait? My plate comes without salsa our salad dressing. 12:15 - JRW sends eggs back. Our waitress exchanges his plate for a smaller one whereupon his pancakes and bacon sit, lonesome. Apparently he is now obliged to eat his breakfast in shifts. This part was the saddest. Everyone else was chowing on their nice, festive breakfast platters. JRW had a small, blank plate with two pancakes. JRW deserves better. JRW does not deserve a breakfast shaming. At the very least he deserved an apology or acknowledgement from the waitress. 12:17 - The eggs return. We calculate it only took 2 or 3 minutes this time - why'd it take so long before? These are questions I need answered. I'm thinking when the FBI is done raiding the CIA, they can send their swat teams into the kitchen of Kerbey Lane. Hey dudes, we're not assholes and we're not picky people, and we feel the pain of our brothers and sisters working in busy restaurants. But c'mon... We've been workin' hard for our money too. The good stuff: our orange juice was fan-fucking-tastic, like the best we've ever had. And the kick-ass impromptu bike gang that rolled up gave us the sweat and shakes of jealous inspiration. Peace out peeps. -KJJ

2006: A SNAKE ODYSSEY

2006-05-12T11:12:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Last night we took a nature walk and almost got gnarlified by a 4 foot (at least!!) snake! I don't want to alarm you, but it could have been curtains for us hobos. Fortunately we shot straight up in the air and hauled ass like Mach 6 outta the area where the snake was coiled. And then, for dinner I ate a piece of peach pie from H-E-B, a carrot, and the remnants of some taco chips!

THIS JUST IN!

2006-05-10T09:15:00.000-05:00

A GANG of anarchist Robin Hood-style thieves, who dress as superheroes and steal expensive food from exclusive restaurants and delicatessens to give to the poor, are being hunted by police in the German city of Hamburg.

DIJON CHICKEN MUSTARDPIECE

2006-05-08T22:08:00.000-05:00

KJJ: You see that? Thats the triumph of JRW putting a cookbook to use. This is so redonkulously simple that I will punish you if you dont make it for yourself by the end of this week. Chicken breast? You know where to find them. Dijon mustard? You've got it in your fridge right now, don't lie. Mayonnaise? Make sure its not expired or this dish WILL punish you before the end of this week. You need fresh. Fresh freshness. Put it all together in a tinfoil envelope and bake at 400 for say 20 mins depending on the POWER of your oven. It will smell tasty when its ready. Voila - you have created a mustardpiece to serve to your significant lover whilst you exchange notes on the progress of nuclear war with Iran. KJJ: Goddammit, so many wonderful things are happening here. I am like the proverbial intellectual smoking cat, taking a break with a cigarette, to "digest" (HAW HAW HAW) the pure awesomeness of the Austin Outsider interviewing us for the Austin Outsider blog spotlight. It makes me want to take off my shirt and light it on fire in direct view of a cop, just to tempt fate's good fortune. P.S. Have you losers ever been to Avenue B Groceries? They sell sandwiches there. Of course you've been there, its only the COOLEST sandwich place, like, ever, right? The buzz on the street a.k.a. my row of cubicles is that the owner is a little loco. He's got the touch a.k.a. maybe bi-polar? Maybe a little antagonistic towards his patrons? Maybe hires too many cute young girls, mmmm? Mmmm? Thats when you gotta step up and just say "shut up gimme my sandwich" and if you want to take my advice the "Queen B" sannywich is really decent, nice touch of the jalapenos. Two sandwiches, two ginger ales, and a bag of chips approx $15. This is the kind of place you go and take a picture and send it back to your mom or friend who doesn't live in Austin and you're like - "look, its so REAL, its so UNIQUE, I totally live somewhere VALID." And there you have it.

APARTMENT FUN HOBOS

2006-05-06T18:09:00.000-05:00

OMG OMG OMG CLICK ON THE PICTURE ABOVE STAND WAY FAR AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE MYSTERY MEAL RFLMAO WTF WTF 2 KRAZY 2 B PHO GOTTEN!!!!!!

DEPT. OF SALMON WITH GINGER ORANGE BUTTER AFFAIRS

2006-05-06T17:51:00.000-05:00

KJJ: You take a salmon, cover with a bit of olive oil and BROIL. You also take 1/4 cup butter, a chunk of ginger, and half an orange and you ANNIHILATE in the food processor. That sir is your orange butter. Apply it to the broiled salmon and then ABOLISH it. That thing that looks like a cigar is 1 of a set of 4 dolmades aka grape leaves stuffed with RICE. Are you paying attention? Spit out that gum. No chewing gum in class. I will not tolerate insubordination. I didnt travel from 3,000 years into the future to learn you about apartment eating only to have you doodling in your notebook or making notches with a pocket knife onto your cubicle desk. I travelled here to set-up this covert "blog" and become a generational cliche so we could all have something in which to BELIEVE. You hear that? My life has meaning. This blog has meaning. ......*whimper*....

SPAGHETTI AI PISELLE E PANNA

2006-05-02T20:15:00.000-05:00

Spaghetti with Peas and Cream - from "La Bella Cucina" by Mimmetta Lo Monte //10 oz peas, frozen //1 onion, small, cut into tiny pieces //ham, 1/2 pound, danish or other cooked ham, lean, sliced into little pieces //olive oil, 1/4 cup //butter, 1 tbsp //cream 1/4 to 1/3 cup, heavy //difribulator to resuscitate you after your inevitable heart attack //sour cream, 3/4 to 1 cup //salt to taste //pepper, freshly ground //pasta, 18 oz spaghetti - i used spinach whole wheat in a lame attempt to make this meal "healthy" //cook oil, butter, and onion in a skillet until aromatic, translucent. on high heat add 1/2 cup water and bring to a boil. add frozen peas, cover, cook a few minutes over med heat. loosen the peas with a fork, making sure that the water level barely covers peas. keep the lid on and cook over low heat about five minutes or until peas are tender but still have a bright-green color. //stir in heavy cream and sour cream. add ham and cook a few more minutes. turn heat off, add some pepper and salt if necessary. i added sugar and garlic powder. add cream if you want a thinner sauce. i cheated and added cornstarch to thicken it a bit. KJJ: This is pure comfort food. The weird part was listening to 2 Live Crew while I cooked it.

OUR DIET IS LIKE AN AVANTI II

2006-05-02T15:33:00.000-05:00

JRW: It is. It's somehow exotic enough, but underneath, it's a total bonafide classic. Actually, I don't know what that's supposed to mean, I just wanted to show my obsession for the day. "What the hell, bro?, this is SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT WHAT TWO HUMANS EAT", you say. Well, maybe so, but it's our blog, and if I want to bend the rules to show you a wicked old car, I can do that-because this is America, land of the free, home of the ADD-addled, and if I can't keep focused enough to talk about totally awesome culinary delights and I all of a sudden have to show you this totally sweet car I want, even though by the time I find one and can afford it, WW III will have already made automobiles obsolete, and we'll be living under tarps, wearing tattered scraps of burlap and eating charred mutated possum, and we won't writing about it because computers will be a thing of the PAST, well you know, I can totally do that. I can also tell you that all the horse holding you've been doing is about to pay off in a most grandiose fashion, because we have tons (ok, maybe just 2) updates brewing, and a whole weeks worth of wonderful meals planned. Plus, we got some cheese to discuss. So there. Now, I need another cup of coffee. GARÇON!

COCONUT FISH CURRY NUCLEAR MARITAL APOCALYPSE

2006-04-29T23:16:00.000-05:00

JRW: I made this, but I'm gonna have to let K to the J speak about it-I got very despondent over it's inabality to instantly wow me, figured KJ was gonna be mad because I screwed it up and I knew she was looking forward to making it, and subsequently I banished my bowl to the putrid realm of the garbage bin. So, uh..she'll have to tell you all about it. I don't believe whatever she's about to say, and I think she's trying to not hurt my brittle culinary feelings. KJJ: Trust me, this was good and uber authentic. It smelled magnificent and tasted like something from South India. The smell was resplendent. I think JRW was just bummed that a) it didnt look like the picture in his cookbook, and b) that it wasnt a thicker mush. The cod was really good, cooked to perfection, not too rubbery. I dont know what JRW's problem was. He thinks I'm the curry Nazi just because I have been to India. The wild rice really sopped up that messy yellow sauce, almost like a Thai curry broth in a way. THATS RIGHT INDIA I AM SOOOOO COOOOL

SPANK HYDE PARK ROCK

2006-04-29T12:30:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Welcome to Austin TX, Saturday morning. JRW and I sit here reminiscing about 8th grade Miami bass, listening to our newest hero Spank Rock. Our downstairs neighbour is playing acoustic bluegrass. Every week he gets better. JRW is reading "Our Band Could Be Your Life" so we spent a little while arguing about music until I stopped the insanity and pointed out we were arguing the exact same point. I wanted to listen to some Beat Happening until I realized I sold it all before I moved down here. But wait this is about FOOD. Okay. Moving on-- I want to tell you about this new program we've started. Well, I started it. Its called "Operation Fatten JRW Up". I keep sending him to the store to buy cakes and donuts and burgers and last night it was steak and mashed potatoes (pictured above), from Hyde Park Bar & Grill. Order anything from there and it comes deep fried. Hyde Park was one of the first places I ate at when I moved here, and I was tickled pink and horrified at the same time by the ENORMOUSITY of the American portions. It was also quite a shock whenever I came in at the airports in the US to see all the fat people. Nobody stands a chance here, especially in Texas. I need both hands to lift the giant buckets of soda and water served to me as beverages. Its hilarious. So why is JRW getting so skinny? We used to be the same weight, now he's thinned out... I have a new lifestyle where I wake up, get out of my cube, get into my parked cube and drive to a bigger cube, where I find my way up to my cube, turn on another cube, sit in my cube looking at a cube and dealing with the logistics of shipping cubes packed with other cubes. I just wanted to mention that. I also wanted to mention a great book for people who like to cook. Its called "The Cooks Book", and although it includes recipes the focus is on technique. The instructions are provided by the world's master chefs. It is beautifully designed and is very clear. Its not often that I will prepare Terrine of Foie Gras, but if I was, this would be the book to turn to for an explanation. Its basically food porn. P.S. About our dinner in Hyde Park: yeah it was good. I dont want to skew Apartment Food Hobos in the direction of "Restaurant Reviewing" because really, what is more cliche than that? What I want to say is, this is what we ate, fuckity spank! And also, JRW is a gemini who rambles on in weird directions and won't stop talking while I write this. He's fixing his vintage stereo right now. JRW won't stop talking about Black Flag and Black Sabbath. I just heard him say "...Which means I pretty much had awesome taste in music when I was a kid. Which means I'm pretty much really cool... Basically I was a fucking rad kid!" He actually just used the term "era defining". JRW: "When my stepsister was blasting Appetite for Destruction I fucking took the tape out and put in Yo! Bum Rush the Show and was making fucking Metallica kites for science class... god, the Metallica kite was cool." KJJ: "Your mom bought that tape for you." JRW: "The kid I made the Metallica kite with was super nerdy and didn't like squares and preps and was like angry in a pre-Columbine way. I wonder whatever happened to Jeremy Butler.." KJJ: He probably works at Apple. JRW: He probably does.

BACHMAN TURNER EL CHILITO OVERDRIVE

2006-04-25T19:32:00.000-05:00

The citizens of Austin have caught the El Chilito fever like a record needle catching the groove on some sweet BTO vinyl. Thats right, El Chilito is "Taking Care of Business" and is super busy now! I think if we all work together we can go in shifts so that we can all get our tasty tasty tasty burritos without waiting. And I'll be... Taking care of business every day Taking care of business every way I've been taking care of business, it's all mine Taking care of business and working overtime

MAD BEETS

2006-04-24T22:00:00.000-05:00

FUNNY FAT GUY SALMON CAKES W/ TERIYAKI SALAD

2006-04-24T21:39:00.000-05:00

KJJ: So there I was, huddled in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, quietly weeping as usual, when I said to myself... hmmm I could really go for some home-made potato salmon cakes. I wiped the crusted drool from my chin, lifted myself off the tile floor, lit up a smoke and set to work. First I boiled the potatoes for mashing. The way to mash potatoes really well is to summon your inner Indian warrior or "spirit animal" and imagine that inner warrior or spirit animal mashing potatoes, except they'd mash them really, really well, and there would be fog and mists and maybe a unicorn off in the distance. You use that energy to enhance your own Earth-bound mashing technique. Then, you open a tin can of salmon, only you do it the way MERLIN would do it, with a f**king sword or maybe with his mind, in reverse time-travel. But what I'm thinking here is, if you were Merlin you wouldnt need a sword to open a tin-can of salmon, it would probably come pretty naturally. I'm getting way ahead of myself. You are going to need to mix your mashed potatoes and salmon with a little mayo, salt and pepper and lots of green onions. Then you are going to need to turn of The Carol Burnett Show, stamp out that cigarette on the kitchen floor, pull your baggy pantyhose up, put down your rye and coke, and really focus. Form the mixture into little patties, dust with flour, coat with a beaten egg, and dip in bread crumbs. Thems your fryin' fixins. Heat up some oil in a frying pan, watch out for the hot popping oil splattering all over your wretchedly out of style polyester dress, extinguish the small fires making smoking black holes all over your clothing, better yet take the dress off, or put an apron on, and get back to the idea we talked about earlier of your spirit animal. Mine is a bear. So, like, I think of a f**king GRIZZLY BEAR frying the s**t out of these salmon cakes. Or maybe the salmon cakes would be jumping upstream in a creek and the grizzly bear would just be catching them in his paw and eating them right there. I dunno.

HONEY I SHRUNK THE ARTICHOKE AND ASPARAGUS SALAD

2006-04-22T18:30:00.000-05:00

KJJ: You dont make up for your sins in church. You do it in your homes... on the streets. The rest is bulls**t and you know it. Ever have a salad with paprika AND mint in it at the same time? Like, on the same plate? You're about to. This mean plate of green straddles the line between distasteful and delicious. Kind of like what foreign foods do to you when you're travelling, and you bust into a new realm of taste. And things seem really unappetizing at first, but then you get into it. This is what we'll all be eating in the bio-harmonios jungle of the future. Start the proceedings: //1 bunch asparagus //5 oz green beans //5 canned or marinated artichoke hearts //2 tbsp butter //1/2 tsp ground sweet paprika //2 cloves garlic //2 tbsp olive oil //2 tbsp lemon juice //1/4 tsp black pepper //2 tbsp finely chopped mint //Blanch some of the stuff that needs to be blanched (beans, asparagus), heat some of the stuff that needs to be heated (garlic, butter, paprika, mushrooms). Combine together with the other stuff. you know the drill. Its a salad for petes sake. I imagine that this is fusion cuisine in Hungary. Goddammit, we made some great chicken last night that I'll come back and holler at y'all about. In the meantime, I just biked halfway up and down Austin Texas, then sat in the sun in a backyard drinking rum punch and Canadian beer, and listened to JRW dj gems like "Electric Avenue" and "Egyptian Lover". Yup, it was good. Hence my ramshackle posting. Our friends put the wrong kind of compost in their backyard and it smelled like poo. Yeah, I said it. PS. I saw this on my bikeride and obviously I was very excited about it. Shitty graffiti is always the best. This is "food" related because it mentions "soul eating". There you have it.

EL CHILITO BE BUMPIN

2006-04-21T08:53:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Guys I am very excited to report that El Chilito was bumpin' wylde stylez last night. When we pulled in we could hardly find a parking spot! I explained to JRW that its because the peeps have been reading our favourable reviews. But that is a damn lie because we only have like 4 readers. So how to explain the activity? Maybe people can smell the love cooking up in there... Last night we mixed it up a bit and I tried the Pollo Burrito. It was stupendous! The chicken was marinated and shredded up nice and thin. They do two things REALLY well at El Chilito: first, the rice is really good. It adds a lot when the rice is nice and fluffy with a super decent flav'. Secondly they put this fuckin' __ahem__ pardon me I'm trying to cut down on the profanity, let me start over: Secondly they put this f**kin' awesome LIME infusion / essence that is not too much and not too little into a lot of their creations. Its hard to bitch about how ass-backward Texas is sometimes when you open your heart to the kick-ass aspects of life here like enjoying a burrito with flavours that just CAN'T be duplicated let alone found at all eleswhere. You know what I'm saying? Sure, my neighbours might have shot out a our kitchen window with a BB gun and shot at all our birds. Sure, Austin might be voted as America's second "greenest" city despite having embarassingly little public transport, light rail trains or commuter bike paths. But bitches, this aint a socialist city, its man vs man, burrito vs burrito, and El Chilito has officially won the championship. If I could make one suggestion, its that they use a sturdier tortilla and wrap 'em up a bit better, because the fillings always seem to be bustin' loose like the Doobie Brothers on a yacht party in 1983. Now lets talk a little bit about "The Twilight of American Civilization" and I could tie that into a very fascinating quote I found on my cup at Starbucks... JRW: Yeah, homeys, I don't wanna get all political on this blog's ass, but... Morris Berman says America is in it's twilight phase, and I'm totally feeling him. Peep the signs, you know it's true. The gap between the rich and the poor is growing larger, more people are in debt trying to attain some fantasy lifestyle, an insane amount of teenagers can't even find the US on a map, growing illiteracy, and the rise of religion over rational thought. I mean, damn. But wow, El Chilto has the bitchinest burritos. GIMME BURRITOS OR GIMME DEATH! KJJ: Okay. We went to Starbucks last night to try a "Green Tea Latte". (It was my idea, JRW is way too cool for that. I was just real curious about this Green Tea Latte. And no, I'm not a Starbucks person). Supposedly America's twilight can be measured by the indication of pervasive reliance on religious thought rather than logical thought. Granta sums it up on the back of this month's issue by noting that God is doing REALLY WELL in Texas, Tehran and Afghanistan. So, I buy this Green Tea Latte and on my cup is this obscenely saccharine and... (sometimes we're afraid to use this word, but i'm just going to say it) STUPID pablum mush quote about "God this, God that.. you are God's creature... God is the highest standard... God created you..." etc etc. NO I did not save the cup with the exact quote or author. YES I understand Starbucks does this to incite conversation and debate by placing a "food for thought" quote on their stuff. But AMEN!-- what the hell bro?? Maybe if I PRAY REAL HARD that quote will go away. Starbucks, incidentally, provides the "greenest" paper coffee cup of all the coffee chains with 10% post consumer recycled fibers. 10%? That is sad. Can we all collectively consider getting our heads out of our asses once in a while? About the Green Tea Latte itself: Interesting! Not *obviously* made out of syrup or a mix which was nice. Even though I'm not sure what exactly it *was* made of. Something sort of powdery at the bottom, but not entirely distasteful. Not like a warm milkshake either, which I was glad about. Not grossly sweet. If you want a green drinky, order it up. And God bless you, beautiful perfect creature of God, amen. JRW: Dang. KJJ's eloquence just made me sound like one of those illiterate Americans.

PISSALADIERE! NO, ITS NOT A PIZZA

2006-04-19T22:51:00.000-05:00

//1 frozen puff pastry //olive oil //2 med onions, thinly sliced //dried thyme //dried oregano //...or any combination of greek or italian herbs to taste //1 tomato, sliced //mozzarella grated //1 can anchovy filets //black pitted olives, halved or sliced //1 egg, lightly beaten //preheat oven to 350. brush baking sheet w/ oil or melted butter. place thawed pastry on baking sheet. //heat oil in a pan and sautee onions with herbs until translucent. spread on top of pastry, but leave a border of say 1". //arrange tomatoes over onions, sprinkle with cheese. apply anchovies in a latice pattern over filling. arrange olives to complement the latice design. its all about the design. perhaps make a portrait of a loved one or a favorite pet out of the olives. //brush edges of pastry with beaten egg. bake till golden approx 25 mins. serve warm. You will not need extra salt. The anchovies are potent. This is much lighter than a pizza, do not make the mistake of thinking of this as a pizza. It is a "Pissaladiere!!!" To de-salt anchovies, soak them in cold milk for 5 minutes. Remove the backbone with your fingers. I had a boss that did that to me once. Long time ago. Story for another blog. JRW:Dudes..eat it all in one setting, do NOT try to save any. It will not keep well, and if you eat it, do NOT do itin your offfice. It will never stop smelling like anchovies if you do. And pack some Altoids.

FULL PISTONS FIRING GUMBO

2006-04-19T12:19:00.000-05:00

JRW: And why, you may find yourself asking? Well, because we made an incredibly delectable shrimp gumbo. No. Hold on. Delectable sounds too dainty, too puffy. Too...soft. No, our gumbo was more of a savory affair, a searing snappy stew. A lightning bolt striking a circuit box, a firehouse licked by flames. I'm no cajun, nor is KJJ, and I've only been to Louisiana once, but I've had some pretty good gumbo in my incredibly bitchin' life, and I can declare the gumbo we made last night to be a champion of gumbos. It was like eating the guitar riff from "Up Around The Bend" ( The CREEDENCE version, not the HANOI ROCKS version). Perfectly spiced, enough to make your skin tingle a bit and the corners of your lips to feel a little chapped. It was even spicier today as I ate a bowl of it for lunch. We served it over a good rice (OF COURSE), with a little side salad of spinach and aRruGalA with a pomegranite vinaigrette, and watched some stupid tv while we kept looking back at each other and telepathically saying "We kicked this gumbo's ASS". Then we patted each other on the ass like football players do when they make a good play. KJJ: I should clarify. Am I Cajun? No. Or..... am I? Arent the Cajuns the Acadians that split from La Belle Province aka Quebec? Oui. Arent my ancestors the surliest of French Canadians? Oui! That must be how comes I was so good at this gumbo. About halfway into making this I turned to Jamie and I said "Jamie... wait a minute... is gumbo a soup?". And Jamie says, "Yes". And I says to myself, I say "Self... How come you didnt know gumbo was a soup!?". Not all things come naturally to old KJJ. And also, oops I spilled the beans and named JRW, he who cannot be named. But I dont feel like editing. Thats how I roll. JRW forgot to mention the emergency trip to the gas station to get ICE CREAM SANDWICHES for dessert and the near miss of a tropical style lightning storm of epic proportions. Unrelated: A bonus question (challenge?) for readers... pertaining to the shitty TV JRW mentioned above... If "Pepper Dennis" was a food dish... what would it be? ((... One thought-- it would be the type of dish you could "cancel" really quickly if you get my drift... ))

I'M A MEATBALL

2006-04-16T17:56:00.000-05:00

I'm a meatball, short and fat. I'm a meatball, how 'bout that. -Atom & His Package "Meatball" KJJ: Good grief. We made Greek meatballs. With sauteed snap peas and broiled mushrooms with salt and pepper. How to make a meatball? You take your meat, your egg, your breadcrumbs, your SPICES, your depressed garlics, and you f'ing roll that s**t around in a bowl. Get your hands in there, real oooey goooey stuff. Cook them on the stovetop till they are browned on the outside, then throw them in the oven and bake to completion. There you go kiddo, you are a meatball champion. Don't let the world get you down. Fly your freak flag high. Skate and destroy. JRW: Greek meatballs will totally light up your Saturday night, but only if you sautee up some suger snap peas and radishes and serve 'em up with a red wine. That's right, WINE. I like it, and no, Rob, I'm not going to write any poetry while I'm drinking it. DICK. Get a big bold red, and don't mess around with Urbane, just because it's on sale. It lost it's zing after it breathed a bit, and by the time we decided to play POLISH GAME, the best card game on the planet, I was thinking to myself, "do we have any of that kahlua left?". Red wine. Go big or go home, brah. And skate and destroy.

VISUALS GET FREAKY

2006-04-15T12:30:00.000-05:00

We just redesigned our stupid blog with an homage to artists Gilbert & George. We hope you likey. Also, we are now free of all the Google ad bullshit that was slumming on our sidebar. You will notice instead a new owl graphic indicating the aforementioned. Letters of concern and feedback may be addressed to apartmenthobos at hot mail dot com.

SENDING OUT OUR ATTRACTION PHEREMONES TO THE AUSTIN OUTSIDER

2006-04-15T12:19:00.000-05:00

Our stank musk of appreciation is blowing in the direction of the Austin Outsider. Tears have come to our eyes upon reading their most excellent review of what we have here. Keep reaching for the stars and hangin' on a rainbow, and join us as we continue our daily journey of cultural and societal critique. Let your computer in your cubicle be a portal to our digestive system. PS. Their assessment of us is freakishly accurate. Read it here.

RESPECKOGNIZED

2006-04-14T19:09:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Hot diggity!! The Austinist has noted us, The Apartment Food Hobos, as one of the "Best of the Blogs" for this week! The simple fact that they noted JRW to be "erratic" (see comments here) is astounding in its accuracy. I am simply amazed. Dear Austin readers, you liked that erratic review? Well.... we got plenty more where that came from...

DEPARTMENT OF TIM HORTON'S AFFAIRS volume III

2006-04-13T20:01:00.000-05:00

Get a job making donuts in Kandahar, Afghanistan! "Employees will make $15,500 to $17,000 during their six-month stint (based on a 371/2-hour week), plus a $1,800-per-month, tax-free stipend with room and board included.

Ultimately, demand from 2,200 Canadian and 5,000 foreign troops at the base will determine staffing.

The ad calls for workers to "live the adventure in Afghanistan" and "take the challenge to the edge" with a "change from the everyday routine.""

HOBO SOAPBOX

2006-04-13T12:05:00.000-05:00

JRW: AUSTIN TEXAS, I've got beef. You've got more great restaurants than most towns of your girth, so many in fact that I usually can't think of any when it comes time to making a snap decision. Burgers, BBQ, Chinese, Sushi, Indian...so many, yet...WHERE'S THE GOOD CHEAP ITALIAN FOOD?!? Why are you holding out on me Austin? It ain't cool. I've given you a lot of years off my life, years I'll never get back and probably could have done something much better with in another "city", FUN years...we had some fun, right? Remember that one time, skinny dipping at Barton Springs after my 21st birthday? Yeah, well. I want some good Italian food, and I don't wanna pay a week's worth of groceries for it next time I feeel like taking my lovely lady for a nice little springtime meal on a patio. Romeo's? BLOWMEO'S. Awful. It used to be an alright little joint, a bit pricey, but pretty good. So, like, WHAT'S THE DEALIO, ROMEO? It took me thinking about it the next day to realize that there really is a problem here, when a restauraunt like that gets the praise it gets. I mean, I know it's not too hobo-like to go to an Italian restaurant on a whim like that, all willy-nilly, but damn, you can't let yourself feel broke ALL the time-and then you go to Romeo's because you hadn't been there in years and the dang waitress can't even look you in the face as she sighs and huffs because she's kinda overwhelmed since she's not so good of a waitress, and god dang, 13 bucks for pasta and it's all butter and oil, which I know is good and all, but not like this, and you're thinking "bite your tongue, and enjoy it because you ARE out with your lady and THAT part is nice, and she's looking GOOD tonight", but in reality you're thinking, "wow, this waitress kinda stinks tonight, I remember when Susan used to manage this place, it was much cooler, and damn, I cook better than this on a bad night, but oh well, KJJ's looking GOOD tonight". Whatevski, I have a rule, and that's never feel guilty about spending money on a meal. And on that note, I'm done witchoo, Romeo's. It's been real.

UNPOSSIBILITY BECOMES POSSIBLE

2006-04-12T15:52:00.000-05:00

JRW: Homeboys and homegirls, it has happened. Fantasy has become reality, and our favorite East Side taco stomp is to thank. The other day we reported that El Chilito kicked it into 5th gear, they took this thing into OVERTIME, and threw BURRITOS on the menu. What we didn't tell you is that by overtime, we meant TRIPLE-OVERTIME, LAST MINUTE BUZZER-BEATER. Ladies and germs, we present to you...FISH TACO BURRITO. Chew on that. We did. AND IT WAS MOTHER EFFING DELICIOSO SUPREME. I know. How can it be possible? The marriage of our two favorite things, fish and burritos? C'est impossible! Mais oui, c'est vraie. Add a lime aioli, and you're good...to..go. BOO-YA, TACO BELL! With this, The Chilto has taken the Stanley Cup, won the National Title, the Superbowl and Wimbledon, all at once.

BOAT ME.

2006-04-10T21:35:00.000-05:00

KJJ: I know its tacky to order a boat of sushi and sashimi... but we did it. AND WE'D DO IT AGAIN! The restaurant we dined at, Silhouette (odd name for a sushi restaurant, but nonetheless...) is downtown and has a pretty swell atmosphere, with warm wood and deep but clean interiors. A nice change from the usual mod and sometimes sterile urban-hip sushi cafes. I'm kind of picky about sushi, once you've had it on the west coast, you feel like you deserve outstanding and authentic japanese dishes at low prices. The best sushi restaurant I've ever eaten at is in Vancouver, B.C., Canada... and nothing will probably ever top it. But the kind of places I miss most are family-run, neighbourhood restaurants that are still cosmopolitan and high-quality. I've never eaten at "progressive" and experimental/fusion sushi places with enough frequency to have an opinion on them either way, due to the fact that I haven't enough yen if you feel me. So what I'm trying to get at is-- Silhouette is my kind of joint. They had a pretty decent selection of the usual culprits aswell as some more interesting items that we completely ignored in favour of THE BOAT. Yeah, we did it. It was a nice boat, the rolls were fantastic. The fish was very flavourful, not at all watery or cold. Very soft and delicious. JRW said, "buttery". The thing that irritates me the most about JRW is that he has self-control and excercises an infuriating restraint in choosing and enjoying the pieces. Our dinner lasted twice as long as it would have if I were in charge. The upside is, you kind of have a better experience that way. Incidentally, what stands out most in my mind about this dinner were the immigration protests occuring down the street. Downtown was full of flags waving, cars honking, and overheard conversations regarding the new immigration laws. When we were all finished the boat miraculously levitated 2 feet off our table and floated away, and we asked ourselves, was it naught but a dream? JRW: Do it up! Silhouette used to be this other place, whose name we won't mention-because of a controversy involving cameras planted in the bathroom, but it's much better in it's new form. Man, the sashimi was welcome and good! How does a fish capture so much flavOUR (what up, Canada?) in that meat? That was some of the tastiest sashimi I've ever had. I don't know if it's just been a long time since I've hadd it or what, but when I put that first piece of tuna in my mouth, I thought I was gonna have to kick a chair over I was so pumped. Those little rolls were some of the best I've ever had, as well. Wonderfully textured, creamy but with a slight crunch at the end. We discovered they have a decent looking happy hour too, which we need to take as much advantage of as we can before World War III starts.

ONE SMALL STEP FOR EL CHILITO - ONE GIANT STEP FOR APARTMENT FOOD HOBOS

2006-04-10T12:16:00.000-05:00

KJJ: El Chilito in Austin, TX, USA has updated their menu and now sells many forms of burrito. I am so very happy about this new development. I can sum up the flavour thusly.... "fuckin' delicioso!" El Chilito Cafe 2219 Manor Road, Austin TX

FROM SOUP TO NUTS

2006-04-07T10:39:00.000-05:00

Manhattan Style Clam Chowder //4 oz canadian bacon, diced //1 spanish onion //1 can clam juice (10 oz) //1 can whole tomatoes, cut up (15 oz) //2 red potatoes, chopped //2 bay leaves //1/4 tsp lemon pepper //1 can minced clams (6 oz) //1/4 cup snipped fresh parsley //saute bacon or ham until browned. add onions and celery, saute until transparent, about 3 mins. //stir in clam juice, tomatoes, potatoes, bay leaves, lemon pepper. cover the pot, bring to a boil, reduce heat, simmer 15 mins or until potatoes are tender. //stir in clams and simmer for 5 more mins. discard the bay leaves. top with parsley. //if you use fresh minced clams, keep the cooking time short, 5 to 10 mins, or the clams will be tough nibblies dude. Fruit & Nut Salad With Pecorino Dressing //mixed greens //sliced fuji apple //cherry tomatoes //big ole mess of fresh dill //walnuts //sunflower seeds Dressing //tsp mayo //1/4 cup yogurt //tablespoon sour cream //dash of oil //dash of white wine vinegar to taste //tsp garlic powder //salt, pepper //1/4 cup grated pecorino romano cheese Combine and dine. JRW: Combine and RULE. Like a despot. With an iron fist, with a heavy hand. With no remorse, no regards. The dressing will dominate your peoples. The pecorino will tax your family. The apples will imprison all opposition parties. The clams will stifle your free press. For 30 years. RULE.

BAKED LEMON TILAPIA WITH MANDARIN ORANGE SALSA

2006-04-06T07:35:00.000-05:00

Mandarin Salsa //1 cucumber, seeded and diced //1 can (11 oz) mandarin oranges, drained //1 tbsp chopped fresh chives //1 tsp olive oil //1 tbsp white wine or cider vinegar //dash of ground red pepper //2 tsp chopped fresh cilantro //combine and chill for 15 - 20 mins. serve with fish. KJJ: This was really good, better than I expected. Tropical, elegant enough for company (not that our company is ever very elegant. Make that-- "too elegant for apartment company"), fast to make, not too expensivo, it pleased my taste buds. I dont know what categorizes something as "salsa", because really... this wasn't "salsa". It was more like, "tangy, slightly spicy concoction". JRW: Sweet, Sweet tilapia. So tender. So flakey. So f'ing missed. The mandarin szalsa added a nice little zest to our favorite inexpensive white fish. And I loved the carrot/pea combo-it reminded me of those frozen Bird's Eye brand boxes you'd see at the weird little dark grocery store on the other side of Westcott, right down the street from the Circle K you used to skate to to buy slurpies and robitussin and steal NERDS. KJJ: I know, the peas and carrots were so quaint and homey. I WAS VERY EXCITED TO EAT! You see, we've been doing a "cleanse" thunk up by a practical joker named Dr. Max Bircher, a Swiss nutritionist and physicist from the 19th century. Dr. Maximillian Bircher: "Vous les gars sucent. Mes projets nutritifs sont l'en face de mauvais et Suisse est le contraire de mauvaisee herbe!" He was obviously either a) a lunatic or b) hiding, like, a baked potato and peanut butter and jam sandwiches in his beard. Cuz his instructions are diabolical. I now know how addicted I am to coffee. Makes me feel all bummerized about myself. Dr. Bircher, you have won this round. Now, let us never speak of (or eat) your "cleansing" soup broths AGAIN! JRW: Dude. Dr.Bircher, I pretty much despise you, with your muesli and raw vegetable lunches. Wait. I haven't even had any muesli yet. OK then, the lunches. Yeah, I feel like i'm doing the right thing, but damn, someone in my offfice breakroom was eating THAI FOOD. AND HERE'S ME, TRYING TO EAT CARROTS WITH A PLASTIC FORK. Nuts to you, Dr. Bircher.

GIMME OLIVE YOUR BREAD

2006-04-05T10:57:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Olive bread, toasted in the oven with olive oil butter... I'm kind of at a loss for what to say about this bread. I mean, it kind of speaks for itself. Whats not to like? Olives = good. Bread = good. Together = also good. If you're looking for some kind of deaper meaning here... well... sorry chief, I can't help you. I ATE IT AND I LIKED IT.

SOMEONE ELSE'S FOOD DIARY

2006-04-05T10:02:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Presenting.... someone other than us documenting their food March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 I've decided to judge this person on what they're eating. I've decided we could be friends. And, in the words of Richard E. Grant in How To Get Ahead in Advertising... "I think you're a vegan who eats meat!" He has his good days: And he has his bad...

DEPARTMENT OF TIM HORTON'S AFFAIRS

2006-04-03T09:13:00.000-05:00

10 year old girls fightin' for that good stuff... Winning Tim Horton's cup sparks bitter row Yeah, but at least the coffee isn't bitter! Ba-dum-dumm. ALSO-- Explosion dans un Tim Hortons?? Sur Yonge et Bloor?? Quest-ce que fuck??

I JUST FLEW IN FROM HOUSTON AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED!!

2006-04-03T08:47:00.000-05:00

KJJ: Houston = Eating Apple turnovers, stoned clerks at Quack's forgetting to give me my croissant (many tears), artichoke dip, mango and chicken salad with hearts of palm, pina colada, margarita, vodka and tonic, halibut on potato served with orchid garnish, Josh's burrito, corned beef hash, coffee, orange juice, iced lattes.... and replacement croissants warmed up on the dashboard of the car in the hot Texas sun, listening to friends' bands and music gossip on the CBC.... yup yup. Calgary and Edmonton are the new Montreal. Halibut is the new salmon. And I am DONE with meat being served on salads. Take that chicken breast away.

150 VERSIONS OF CAKE

2006-03-29T14:59:00.000-06:00

KJJ: Y'all better pay attention. WFMU is playing 150 versions of Todd Colby's masterpiece "Cake". If you like, cake, insanity, and MP3s, have I gotta link for you.... WFMU's blog with complete Cake-A-Thon I'm so full of cake. If I eat any more cake I'd have to vomit first. Sometimes I'll eat 2 or 3 cakes in a single day. I love cake! I can't be any clearer than that. I love cake! I'll eat every cake in New York City. I can't even go into bakeries anymore because I'll eat all the cake. I'll say "Where's the cake? Gimme the cake! Get the cake!" And they say, "We know how very much you love cake, and we know you very rarely have the money for any of our cake, so get outta here, because you can't afford our cake! But we know how much you love cake, so get outta here, you can't afford the cake!" I'll punch somebody in the head for some cake. Give me all your cake! I love cake! Gimme the cake! Now! I love it! I love cake! Gimme your cake! JRW: i like the ones wher they smple the poem or use like, a computer programmed voice,or siong it as lyrics to music- but i'm not as into the ones where they just retell the poem trying to act weird, becuse it's fucking weird and crazy enough already.

BACK TO FOOD, BACK TO REALITY

2006-03-29T12:44:00.000-06:00

KJJ: Hey folks, the last post may have come off a little sour. I apologize for nothing and everything. This post will be so delightful you will barf a rainbow. Ready? What we are talking about today is an exciting new pasta sauce we developed. Pictured above is the "base". The "foundation". The super happy, sweet and delightful rainbow of minced carrots, rosemary, garlic and onions. I'll provide my recipe below, without amounts. Adjust the amounts as per your own taste. And get ready to taste the rainbow!!! //oil, chopped onions, garlic = the familiar trinity //krunkload of minced carrots (food processorized) //buttload of red wine //assload of fresh rosemary (and some dried, too!) //canned diced tomatoes //tomato paste //s**tload of ricotta cheese //salt and pepper //smidgen of sugar Now cook you f'ing doozers, COOK!

CAN I BE SERIOUS FOR A MO?

2006-03-27T15:55:00.000-06:00

KJJ: America, I need to talk to you. I need to talk to you about what I saw on something called "Oprah". "Oprah" is helping "grown-ass people" to "get out of debt". Fine. I salute her for it. And I think her approach is vaguely awesome. She interjects at just the right moments to gracefully inform the debtors that they are somewhat spiritually void, living unconsciously, and on auto-pilot. Darn tootin'. Let me tell you something. We Apartment Hobos are BROKE. We know how it goes. Since I moved to Austin, I have basically had to start my life over. I sold all my possessions and furniture. I shut-down a business that had finally reached the point of breaking even and was finally getting press and orders. JRW took on the obligation of supporting two people on a modest salary. I spent half a year unable to work due to immigration policies. (Finally got my green-card! Wicked!). Anyways- we know how to do "broke". And let me tell you America; ye who hath the lowest personal savings since the great depression; you do not solve broke-itude by EATING OUT EVERY MEAL!!! I am so aghast at how civilization has developed to this point, I am confused at where to begin. It all comes down to one Woman on "Oprah"-- an educated grown up person-- who HAS NEVER GROCERY SHOPPED before in her life! And another family who has never made a grocery list! I realizing my own naivete in thinking that people are generally raised to learn how to function at mealtimes. Coming from a D.I.Y. family and sorta punk-rock ethic, it seems so natural to me that you would learn how to a) cook; b) obtain groceries; and sometimes c) know how to grow your own food given the opportunity. I could see myself initiating a subtle "back to the land" movement within my own small family of two humans, so to a degree I understand that perhaps I am not like the others. The type of others you would be introduced to on "Oprah". The present finds KJJ and JRW spending time together to decide what would be interesting to cook. Then we spend time figuring out what we'z gonna eat for a week and what we need to obtain from the grocery store to make this happen. We have a list. It takes time. We sweat at the grocery store over whether we will be able to afford certain items. We do not go to the GAS STATION (aka convenience store) for food, like Woman on "Oprah". We do not feed our (non-existant) child drive-through for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We cook together and we sit together and eat. Sorry, enough about us. Back to Woman on "Oprah". Woman on "Oprah" did not even own cutlery or dishes. Woman on "Oprah" is, I'm now learning, a typical American! An educated, adult woman with a good job and a family. She had a big ole' family, and I can't believe none of her friends or family would have influenced her to learn how to cook, garden, or... like... go to a grocery store!? She spent $700 a week on "eating out". I can barely classify a convenience store as "eating out". Shit, I can barely classify Applebees as "eating out". During the "Oprah" show, her financial guru obtained for her some pots and pans, a coffee maker, and a blender. She was brave and worked to make her first meal, which looked like a tuna pasta salad. She was delighted! She had made something! And both families who shopped with a list were pumped too! They were all like baby hamsters opening their eyes for the first time. This gives me hope that people can sort of "get it together", it gives me hope that maybe just maybe, one day the Environmental Movement (ha!) could maybe just maybe "get it together" and appeal to soccer moms and really, like, take hold. But thats a whole nother subject best left to when I get drunk at your party and corner you in the kitchen and say "THE THING YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND IS...." When the debtors went to the grocery store, the first thing they all gravitated towards were brightly pre-packaged quasi-foods like tacos and god knows what else (we dont usually shop in those aisles so I dont even know what weird shit is on the market now). Their gurus had to explain that if they bought a whole ham they could eat for a week for the same price as the pre-packaged tacos. (Don't even get me started on the vegetarian, vegan possibilities / omissions). So, to review, people are having life-altering moments on television when someone shows them how to buy groceries. I hope my spaceship lands soon and my long-lost alien comrades return me swiftly to whatever planet I come from, cuz I am hopelessly out of touch with my human friends. People have essentially ZERO connection to where anything comes from and where anything goes. People have zero connection to land, food, ecosystems and each other. How tragic. JRW and I have had a few long discussions about Woman on "Oprah". For he was raised in Houston, fending for himself food-wise, or often coming home late enough that dinner was already prepared. JRW also ate in restaurants with his family much more often than I. My kitchen and food memories are, summertime in Alberta when my father would make us pick huge batches of beans and peas from the rather "farm-like" vegetable garden. Our family also grew lettuce, salad greens, potatoes, corn, raspberries and strawberries and herbs. I usually got a small section in the garden where I would try to grow my own herbs and ridiculous things like watermelons! My grandmother showed me how to make French crepes, ommelletes, and Polish dumpling soups (which I WISH I could remember now). Ahh memories. We ate out and ordered in VERY rarely. I dont think I can even remember our family ever ordering a pizza. Where am I going with this? I am not attempting to list how "I am better" than Woman on "Oprah". I am expressing surprise and bafflement. Perhaps it is me, K to the J to the J who is out of touch? It is 2006, we exchange money for goods and services, like food. It is a fast-moving world... etc etc... In the past 90% of the goods in a home were MADE in the home. Clothing, food, furniture. Now we buy everything. Our hills (I dont want to say "land-fill") are filling with discarded Swiffer-motherfucking-Sweepers, and people carry home shopping bags full of plastic bags containing garbage bags. In conclusion, I'd like us all to consider Voluntary Human Extinction. Thanks for listening!

MY PEROGI-TIVE

2006-03-26T10:58:00.000-06:00

JRW: KJJ is still under the weather, as the saying goes. When are you ever "above" it? I mean, how high and mighty are YOU? You know? Whatevs. We made perogis last night, with some fried-up 1015 onions. Woo! 1015's are THE BEST. They don't make your eyes water, and they are SWEET and TASTY. Perfect for fajitas. Oh, and more salad. We've been on a cesar dressing kick, and any chance we seem to get, we do it up right, pecorino style. This was a real gut-filler: KJJ said it was "like eating a bowl full of pasta, a plate of cheese and a side of potatoes". My lady speaketh das truth. I actually want some more right now. Go buy some, they're good. KJJ: Sometimes my Eastern European roots come out and I crave a good perogy. There aint none in Austin. Aint no Cheemo brand perogies. (See photo below).. "WE'RE SO COOL... WE'RE FROZEN!" So, chew on that image for a minute. I'll wait. ...Done? Okay, good-- there are a few things about perogies I'd like to share with you. First of all, how do you know they are cooked? Simple! If you are boiling them, they are done when they rise to the top. Frying them up is friggin delicious, they get crusty on the outside and brown. You need to boil them a bit before you do that to thaw them out. Making perogies is simple, but should be a collective effort. Whether you are a 75 year old Babushka granny, or a punk-rock bartender like my old friend (who shall remain nameless), who made trays and trays of "pierogi"... try to at least dig out some blue dickies communist issue work-pants, get your collective together, put on some perogy-making music (hmmm... maybe some Weakerthans? Fuck, I dont know! What the hell is perogy-making music?...) and get get get to it girl! Freeze those puppies up and you are eating well all winter. Did you think I was done talking about perogies? Well I wasn't. Here are some possible fillings: potato, cheese, sour cream, saurkraut... Hey don't put meat in them, thats not cool. What you have then is a "pilmeni"! And we are not talking about pilmeni today. Today is perogi. If you are smart you will marry someone with Eastern European heritage who will introduce to you perogy, borscht, home-made jam, babka cakes, dumpling soups, pickles, and a stern attitude toward laziness. The perogy, pierogi, pyrohy, vereniki... is a food item of uncertain origins. Some say it was brought to Italy from the Orient as a pasta pocket food by the famous explorer Marco Polo. Its introduction to eastern Europe may have been through Poland over 500 years ago. At that time Queen Bonna of Italy married King Zygmut of Poland and the pierogi was introduced to Poland around that time. From Poland pierogi found their way to other Eastern European countries such as Ukraine and Russia. In Ukraine the word "vereniki" - the boiled ones - is used to refer to these delicious pasta products. In Russia, meat filled pasta pockets are referred to as "pilmeni". Whatever their origins, perogy are now enjoyed all over the world by people of all ethnicities. Go ahead, try some, you'll love them.

FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHT

2006-03-26T10:29:00.000-06:00

JRW: Fish. We love them. We have 2 of them, in a giant glass aquarium on our kitchen counter. Love the little dudes. I also grew up spending my summers fishing in the great wilds of southern Alaska. So I love salmon. It's a weird thing-you're slathering SOY VEY brand teriyaki marinade on a giant slab of fish flesh, and you look over and see these 2 big round eyes looking at you, and you're thinking, "Do they sense that I'm about to cook and eat a giant version of them?". Then you kinda feel guilty for a minute, throw the chopped garlic on top, cover with tin foil and start baking at 450 degrees for about 15 minutes. You just know they do. I'm an awful parent. I try to make up for it by making cesar salad with lots of grated pecorino, and sweet, swet corn on the cob-but there's no hiding the truth. I love salmon, and I cook it well, and Lil'' Buddy and Torterllini will have to grow up and work it out in therapy when they're older.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

2006-03-24T10:44:00.001-06:00

JRW: 13 beans. 2 people. Who'll win? I'll tell you. You will. Because I will regale you with a tale so sweet it will make your teeth ache. It begins 5 days ago, in a small Texas town known to locals as Lockhart (see previous post: "SMITTY'S TEXAS BBQ EXPEDITION"-ed), where a throng of tired, slightly greasy poster atists got greasier in a smokehouse hallway. A sausage link was procured. Many, in fact. A few were brought home to our refrigerator. It was a happy time. Fast forward 3 days. JRW, in an emergency trip to the local grocery shoppe, is struck by a moneysaving idea. 13 bean soup. It will be good, and it will last for days, and everyone in the 805 B alliance will be happy, including Tortellini and Lil' Budddy. I don't know why, but they will be. Fast forward some more, but maybe with the "search" button instead-JRW soaks the beans. For 12 hours. KJJ seems worried, but she trusts JRW, and with good reason, for he LIVED on beans in his previous life at BENNETT. Oh, BENNETT. JRW knows that it will help warm up KJJ, who has fallen gavenly ill in a post-SXSW fever. He tells her to relax, take a shower, and prepare for the healening. Then, he chops up a 1015 onion (which are super sweet, and don't sting your eyeballs), a few cloves of garlic ( the key healening ingredient-alchemists take note), some celery...throws it into a big pot, and softens it all up in peanut oil (because supply shortages have left the olive oil provisions extra low). THEN, LO AND BEHOLD, the sausage RE-APPEARS, slices itself up and jumps into the mix! Then, JRW adds a bunch of water (not too much-cover the beans, basically). Oh, and then he adds...THE 13 BEAN MEGA-MIXXX. He serves it with some white rice, and everyone, the fish included, are happy, the end. Bye. Oh yeah, we forgot to take pics, but it wasn't very pretty anyway. And it was good enough that we both ate 2 bowls of it. The end, bye. KJJ: Everytime I eat a bean or a seed, I am amazed that there is the potential for an entire plant to grow out of said bean or seed. And thusly, an entire forest of plants from the resulting beans and seeds. We basically ATE INFINITY. When you eat a piece of meat, the only potential result of the meat is death and decay and rot. When I think about it, we ate INFINITY times THIRTEEN. Thirteen beans... thirteen beans. It has come to my attention that I have a fever and I am delirious.

SOMETIMES LIFE ISNT PRETTY, PT. II

2006-03-23T11:31:00.000-06:00

KJJ: We made a bunch of crap for dinner last night. It was pretty gross, but we gave it a proper funeral before throwing it in the garbage. JRW: We killed it. Right into the trash can. Read it's last rites, then ate some awesome cookies.

EXCUSE ME, WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE?

2006-03-22T10:09:00.000-06:00

KJJ: You take a bite out of your freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, pause for a moment to continue on a drawing, and return to find it gone, eaten by a wild-haired transient moustachio'd Texan. WTF? Its not like there weren't at least ten other freshly baked chocolate chip cookies available for purchase and download. Old JRW a.k.a. Moustache McGee - you better watch him 'round your edibles and baked goods. Another true, weird, story: get this- its about dinner time, I'm starving for the Chicken Caesar Salad we're going to make (this Wendy's ad I saw the night before at 1am seemed to program itself into my head and make me want, of all things, a Chicken Caesar Salad - thnx Wendy's) for dinner... and old Jamie "Wyld Style" Ward announces, he's going to make himself a sausage as a snack??? Right before dinner??? While the rest of us lowly citizens are just supposed to wait the extra 10 mins and stay hungry??? Portrait of a lunatic. And I got other questions: Number One- seriously, it was weird that I'd ever want a Chicken Caesar Salad - my question is... you've got a salad - why dump big chunks of greasy meat on top of it? Like.... uhhhh... So odd! Number Two - how comez my cookies always turn out so biscuit like? (heh). Is this a baking powder issue or a not-enough-sugar issue? Tips from bakers would be appreciated! This is the second batch of cookies that have risen up almost bread-like. JRW: YOINKS! I YOINKS'D THAT COOKIE, I DID. It was there, with the rest of the cookies. I thought it was being put back. i mean, who takes a bite of a delicioso cookie, then puts it back in the pile? Someone who's gonna get her cookie yoinks'd, that's who. And that salad? It was great. Lemon pepper chicken cesar salad? Genius. the croutons were are a good little treat, they were like little sponge-cubs, and they sopped up the dressing/ parmesan mix quite nicely. Quick and surprisingly tasty. Then...the cookie/ biscuits. WHOO! KJJ: I'M GONNA YOINKS YOU. JRW: I'm gonna yoinks that Tim Hortons...

BEHOLD: THE WORLD'S GREATEST COOKBOOK

2006-03-21T16:06:00.000-06:00

The World's Greatest Cookbook might just be "A Texas Hill Country Cookbook". I purchased it in Calgary, Alberta, Canada at a used bookstore for $3. It was first printed in September 1976. As you can imagine, the combination of Texas flavours and mid-seventies culinary trends produces an awesome mash-up of SOLID FOOD and hip-thickening, artery-bustin, taste-bud watering meals. All the recipes, I suspect, were submitted by old bitties. Even Ladybird Johnson gets a credit. The recipe I'd like to share with you today is from Mrs. John A. (Nancy) Greenway. Isn't it quaint how women used to only be identified by their husband's name? Quaint and mind-boggling. Makes me want to smash a dog through a window. Anyways, here is a recipe that I urge all the bakers out there to try. Its a little something called "Banana-Walnut Bread" and its a dance number: //1/2 cup butter or margarine //1 cup sugar //2 eggs beaten //1 cup mashed bananas //1 cup all purpose flour** //1 cup whole wheat flour** //1/3 teaspoon salt //1 teaspoon baking soda //1/3 cup hot water //1/2 cup chopped walnuts (or chocolate chips) **or use two cups of all purpose flour, like I do. //Part one: "The Wetsies" -- Preheat oven to 325. Melt butter and blend in sugar. Add beaten eggs and mashed bananas, blending until smooth. //Part two: "The Drysies" -- Sift flour, salt and baking soda. Last time I made this, I added an extra teaspoon of baking powder. //Part three: "The Combinesies" -- Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, alternating with hot water. Stir in nuts. Grease pans and pour in a 9x5 inch pan, or two small ones. Bake for 1 hour until knife or straw comes out clean. I actually use a square cake-pan and bake for half the time. This comes out almost cake-like. Grab a lump for breakfast, it will last a few days due to its nice moist consistency. When you find a gem of a cookbook like this, it may not be pretty, all the authors may be right-wing old ladies who died of heart attacks from their own cooking, and there might not be pictures... but dang y'all, its good eatin'. I'm tempted to share the chili recipe that got people DOWN THE BLOCK from my house in Canada knocking on my door (cuz it smelled so darn good - for serious) and the jalepeno rice recipe... in time my prettys, in time....

WHAT KIND OF FOOD DONUT ARE I?

2006-03-20T12:35:00.000-06:00

You Are a Boston Creme Donut

You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.

What Donut Are You?

You Are French Food

Snobby yet ubiquitous. People act like they understand you more than they actually do.

What Kind of Food Are You?

BIG UPS TO NAUGHTYCURRY.COM

2006-03-20T12:26:00.000-06:00

KJJ: Finally, some people recognize my real genius and quote me on their website. Check it out--> Naughtycurry.com

WE'LL PICK YOU UP TOMORROW MORNING!

2006-03-15T11:15:00.000-06:00

KJJ: Hi folks. We, and by "we" I mean "us"; The Apartment Food Hobos, are taking SXSW off. And by "off" I mean, posts will be limited. Look how busy we are! We are so busy, that JRW even made it into today's paper!! Thats how busy we are! This just in: JRW Extremely Busy During SXSW! In conclusion, here is a picture of a burrito. They are fucking delicioso.

GNOCCHI CAN YOU HEAR ME?

2006-03-13T09:46:00.000-06:00

BEFORE AFTER

I hear the drums echoing tonight But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation She’s coming in 12:30 flight The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation I stopped an old man along the way Hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies He turned to me as if to say, hurry boy, spinach gnocchi is waiting there for you Chorus: It’s gonna take a lot to drag that gnocchi away from you There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the gnocchi down in africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had The wild dogs cry out in the night As they grow restless longing for some spinach gnocchi I know that I must do what’s right Sure as kilimanjaro rises like olympus above the serengeti I seek to eat spinach basil garlic gnocchi, frightened of this thing that I’ve become Chorus (instrumental break) Hurry boy, gnocchi waiting there for you It’s gonna take a lot to drag that gnocchi away from you There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the gnocchi down in africa, I bless the gnocchi down in africa I bless the gnocchi down in africa, I bless the gnocchi down in africa I gnocchi the gnocchi down in spinach gnocchi Gonna take some time to do the things we never had //10oz spinach //3 large eggs //1 cup grated parmesan //1/2 cup ricotta cheese //1 1/4 cup bread crumbs //4 tbsp chopped fresh basil //1/3 cup chopped green onions //1 garlic clove, minced or pressed //1/2 tsp salt //1/4 tsp ground black pepper //pinch of nutmeg or cinnamon to taste //2 to 3 cups tomato sauce //preheat oven to 400. oil a baking dish. //rinse spinach well and place in large pot with only the water that clings to leaves. cook on high, stirring occaisionally, until it wilts all small-like. set aside and drain. //in a large bowl mix all the other stuff. gently stir in the chopped spinach into the mush. //drop the batter by rounded tablespoonfuls onto the baking dish. the ones above are bigger than a tablespoon, about the size of a really plum perogi. cause we're fattening ourselves up. //should make about 18 balls. pour the tomato sauce around the gnocchi to almost cover. //bake for about 25 mins until firm and beginning to brown. serve hot with tomato sauce ladled on top, and if you can HANDLE IT, add some more parmesan.

OMG! OMG! OMG! SUPER CUTE ALERT!

2006-03-12T22:38:00.000-06:00

KJJ: Guys, I dont want to alarm you, but I just made only the worlds super cutest cookie ever!! See?!? IT MATCHES OUR FISH! (The little blob on the bottom matches the other, smaller fish "Little Buddy". I kind of just phoned that one in, seeings hows I was out of batter and all...)

BIG BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUT

2006-03-09T11:28:00.000-06:00

KJJ: To our faithful reader G. Peveto, celebrating his 24th birthday last night. He desperately wants his own food blog and has resorted to spamming message-boards with the legendary tales of his birthday dinner: "Here's what I had for my birthday diner Rattlesnake cakes with pistachio crust and chipotle cream Escargot with hearts of palm and asparagus Venison with lobster with guava sour cherry sauce Ruby Trout with mango habanero aioli Chocolate-chili-coffee rubbed Elk with Gulf Coast Crab and lime chipotle beer blanc Rabbit tenders, Smoked Quail and Achiote Marinated Buffalo. couple bottles of wine and three flavors of creme brulee. Vanilla, Chocolate, Expresso. it was all excellent."

YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME FEEL COOL?

2006-03-08T13:22:00.000-06:00

Taking pictures of my food before I eat it. Its really weird. But then I think to myself, well... we arent having kids, so these are my "babies". But then I eat the babies and I'm pretty much back to square one.

SOMETIMES LIFE ISNT PRETTY

2006-03-08T11:51:00.000-06:00

KJJ: The Tofu Stroganoff was so unnatractive that I decided to make something pretty for dinner. BEHOLD - the onionest of Onion Tarts. Hey, whats that between the tart and the garlic and basil beans? Its motherf**king Mrs. Johnson's Donuts, thats what it is!! Layed out like a glazed slut, waiting for me to gorge on cinnamon twists and sugar dough. The recipe for the onion tart is easy and actually kind of inexpensive, since its mostly onions in there. I'll post it soon. We ate this while listening to Yo La Tengo on WFMU and watching some WB show called "Supernatural" which was actually a sort of decent rip of the very awesome The Wicker Man. You can't shoot and kill zombies or pagan infested scare-crows! When will people learn that? JRW: Whereas I was pretty stoked on the stroganoff (stoke-anoff?), and ate more the next day, she was not. But we both loved this little tart. I was coughing and horking so I wasn't allowed to be in the kitchen while this was happening. Imagine my surrise when I first saw this thing cooked. It was great-i love onions, but this wasn't too onion-y at all-plus the green beans had were full of butter, so when I'd bite down, there's be a little butter blast. I love that. Oranges are good, and these ones we picked up the other day are super adictive and seperate easily from the peel. Man, I hate when I can't seperate the orange from the peel. Simple things, those are the ones that get to me. Broken hand? Oh, well, you know how it goes. Oranges that don't peel? I HATE THAT SH*#. KJJ: Sometimes you look at a tart like this one, you want to encase it in glass. You want to eat it four times. We are so goddamn talented and clever that you want to crap diamonds out your ass then die in the puddle of ass diamonds.

78TH ANNUAL ACADEMY TOFU STROGANOFF AWARDS

2006-03-06T09:48:00.000-06:00

Tofu Stroganoff //1 cake extra firm tofu, pressed //3 tbsp soy sauce //1 garlic clove, minced or pressed //oil //2 cups chopped onions //1 cup chopped celery //1.5 tsp salt //1 tbsp paprika //2 cups peeled & sliced carrots //2 cups bite-sized mushroom pieces //1.5 cup dry red wine //1.5 cups canned diced tomatoes w/ juice (14.5 oz can) //2 cups slized zucchini //1 cup chopped red bell pepper //2 tbsp chopped fresh dill //buncha egg noodles //.5 cup sour cream //marinate tofu in the soy sauce & garlic, stir occaisionally, marinate 20 mins or so. //heat oil, add onions & celery. cook for 10. //add salt, paprika, carrots. cook for 5. //add mushrooms and wine, cook for 5. //add tomatoes, zucchini, bell peppers. bring to a boil, reduce and simmer. add dill. //boil up noodles. //a few mins before serving, add tofu and stir gently. right before serving, add sour cream and stir. //serve stroganoff over the noodles. KJJ: Much salt and pepper was needed on the table to add some extra flavour to this dish. JRW told me a great joke: "What do you call a cow masturbating?" Answer: "Beef Stroganoff" HAW HAW HAW!!! Is this dish going to be tastier tomorrow for leftovers? You betcha. Is JRW's joke going to seem any funnier tomorrow? WHATEVER! JRW: ALL of my jokes seem funnier the next day and I'm gonna find out if this is better the next day in about...oh, say...30 minutes. KJJ: ...umm... Huh?

LONG LIVE PONYBOY

2006-03-02T12:48:00.000-06:00

KJJ: My great friend L. Wilson is living in Japan right now and has some beautiful pics of Japanese cuisine (or soon to be cuisine) on her Flickr page. What she's eating (or not eating, since I knew her as a vegan in Canada, not sure if that's changed in Japan) is far more interesting than whats going on at 805B aka The Apartment. Have a looksee!--> L-Dub

CURRY & RICE: TWO GOOD THINGS THAT GO GOOD TOGETHER

2006-02-28T14:00:00.000-06:00

KJJ: Ahhh... another veggie curry. This one turned out far less magnificent than the previous one. The difference? This one was made with a prepared sauce. I know, I know... The sauce was "alright", but the waxy potatoes didn't balance. Shoulda chose a starchy kind. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. And if you see your mom, tell her.... SATAN>>>> JRW: This curry was like the PIOUGHD album-not all together bad, but not as great as PSYCHIC POWERLESS...ANOTHER MAN'S SAC, or the wonderful first half of the HAIRWAY TO STEVEN ep. It had it's P.S.Y. moments, the cauliflower would be it's HURDY GURDY MAN, but lacked the spice, the NEGRO OBSERVER, or I SAW AN X-RAY OF A GIRL PASSING GAS of the previous curry we ate. But not every currry can be a COWBOY BOB, we just make cook, and try, and hope it doesn't come out as a PEPPER.

JRW AND THE CASE OF THE TASTY HOT-DOG

2006-02-27T14:15:00.000-06:00