COCONUT FISH CURRY NUCLEAR MARITAL APOCALYPSE

JRW: I made this, but I'm gonna have to let K to the J speak about it-I got very despondent over it's inabality to instantly wow me, figured KJ was gonna be mad because I screwed it up and I knew she was looking forward to making it, and subsequently I banished my bowl to the putrid realm of the garbage bin. So, uh..she'll have to tell you all about it. I don't believe whatever she's about to say, and I think she's trying to not hurt my brittle culinary feelings. KJJ: Trust me, this was good and uber authentic. It smelled magnificent and tasted like something from South India. The smell was resplendent. I think JRW was just bummed that a) it didnt look like the picture in his cookbook, and b) that it wasnt a thicker mush. The cod was really good, cooked to perfection, not too rubbery. I dont know what JRW's problem was. He thinks I'm the curry Nazi just because I have been to India. The wild rice really sopped up that messy yellow sauce, almost like a Thai curry broth in a way. THATS RIGHT INDIA I AM SOOOOO COOOOL

SPANK HYDE PARK ROCK

KJJ: Welcome to Austin TX, Saturday morning. JRW and I sit here reminiscing about 8th grade Miami bass, listening to our newest hero Spank Rock. Our downstairs neighbour is playing acoustic bluegrass. Every week he gets better. JRW is reading "Our Band Could Be Your Life" so we spent a little while arguing about music until I stopped the insanity and pointed out we were arguing the exact same point. I wanted to listen to some Beat Happening until I realized I sold it all before I moved down here. But wait this is about FOOD. Okay. Moving on-- I want to tell you about this new program we've started. Well, I started it. Its called "Operation Fatten JRW Up". I keep sending him to the store to buy cakes and donuts and burgers and last night it was steak and mashed potatoes (pictured above), from Hyde Park Bar & Grill. Order anything from there and it comes deep fried. Hyde Park was one of the first places I ate at when I moved here, and I was tickled pink and horrified at the same time by the ENORMOUSITY of the American portions. It was also quite a shock whenever I came in at the airports in the US to see all the fat people. Nobody stands a chance here, especially in Texas. I need both hands to lift the giant buckets of soda and water served to me as beverages. Its hilarious. So why is JRW getting so skinny? We used to be the same weight, now he's thinned out... I have a new lifestyle where I wake up, get out of my cube, get into my parked cube and drive to a bigger cube, where I find my way up to my cube, turn on another cube, sit in my cube looking at a cube and dealing with the logistics of shipping cubes packed with other cubes. I just wanted to mention that. I also wanted to mention a great book for people who like to cook. Its called "The Cooks Book", and although it includes recipes the focus is on technique. The instructions are provided by the world's master chefs. It is beautifully designed and is very clear. Its not often that I will prepare Terrine of Foie Gras, but if I was, this would be the book to turn to for an explanation. Its basically food porn. P.S. About our dinner in Hyde Park: yeah it was good. I dont want to skew Apartment Food Hobos in the direction of "Restaurant Reviewing" because really, what is more cliche than that? What I want to say is, this is what we ate, fuckity spank! And also, JRW is a gemini who rambles on in weird directions and won't stop talking while I write this. He's fixing his vintage stereo right now. JRW won't stop talking about Black Flag and Black Sabbath. I just heard him say "...Which means I pretty much had awesome taste in music when I was a kid. Which means I'm pretty much really cool... Basically I was a fucking rad kid!" He actually just used the term "era defining". JRW: "When my stepsister was blasting Appetite for Destruction I fucking took the tape out and put in Yo! Bum Rush the Show and was making fucking Metallica kites for science class... god, the Metallica kite was cool." KJJ: "Your mom bought that tape for you." JRW: "The kid I made the Metallica kite with was super nerdy and didn't like squares and preps and was like angry in a pre-Columbine way. I wonder whatever happened to Jeremy Butler.." KJJ: He probably works at Apple. JRW: He probably does.

BACHMAN TURNER EL CHILITO OVERDRIVE

The citizens of Austin have caught the El Chilito fever like a record needle catching the groove on some sweet BTO vinyl. Thats right, El Chilito is "Taking Care of Business" and is super busy now! I think if we all work together we can go in shifts so that we can all get our tasty tasty tasty burritos without waiting. And I'll be... Taking care of business every day Taking care of business every way I've been taking care of business, it's all mine Taking care of business and working overtime

MAD BEETS

FUNNY FAT GUY SALMON CAKES W/ TERIYAKI SALAD

KJJ: So there I was, huddled in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, quietly weeping as usual, when I said to myself... hmmm I could really go for some home-made potato salmon cakes. I wiped the crusted drool from my chin, lifted myself off the tile floor, lit up a smoke and set to work. First I boiled the potatoes for mashing. The way to mash potatoes really well is to summon your inner Indian warrior or "spirit animal" and imagine that inner warrior or spirit animal mashing potatoes, except they'd mash them really, really well, and there would be fog and mists and maybe a unicorn off in the distance. You use that energy to enhance your own Earth-bound mashing technique. Then, you open a tin can of salmon, only you do it the way MERLIN would do it, with a f**king sword or maybe with his mind, in reverse time-travel. But what I'm thinking here is, if you were Merlin you wouldnt need a sword to open a tin-can of salmon, it would probably come pretty naturally. I'm getting way ahead of myself. You are going to need to mix your mashed potatoes and salmon with a little mayo, salt and pepper and lots of green onions. Then you are going to need to turn of The Carol Burnett Show, stamp out that cigarette on the kitchen floor, pull your baggy pantyhose up, put down your rye and coke, and really focus. Form the mixture into little patties, dust with flour, coat with a beaten egg, and dip in bread crumbs. Thems your fryin' fixins. Heat up some oil in a frying pan, watch out for the hot popping oil splattering all over your wretchedly out of style polyester dress, extinguish the small fires making smoking black holes all over your clothing, better yet take the dress off, or put an apron on, and get back to the idea we talked about earlier of your spirit animal. Mine is a bear. So, like, I think of a f**king GRIZZLY BEAR frying the s**t out of these salmon cakes. Or maybe the salmon cakes would be jumping upstream in a creek and the grizzly bear would just be catching them in his paw and eating them right there. I dunno.

HONEY I SHRUNK THE ARTICHOKE AND ASPARAGUS SALAD

KJJ: You dont make up for your sins in church. You do it in your homes... on the streets. The rest is bulls**t and you know it. Ever have a salad with paprika AND mint in it at the same time? Like, on the same plate? You're about to. This mean plate of green straddles the line between distasteful and delicious. Kind of like what foreign foods do to you when you're travelling, and you bust into a new realm of taste. And things seem really unappetizing at first, but then you get into it. This is what we'll all be eating in the bio-harmonios jungle of the future. Start the proceedings: //1 bunch asparagus //5 oz green beans //5 canned or marinated artichoke hearts //2 tbsp butter //1/2 tsp ground sweet paprika //2 cloves garlic //2 tbsp olive oil //2 tbsp lemon juice //1/4 tsp black pepper //2 tbsp finely chopped mint //Blanch some of the stuff that needs to be blanched (beans, asparagus), heat some of the stuff that needs to be heated (garlic, butter, paprika, mushrooms). Combine together with the other stuff. you know the drill. Its a salad for petes sake. I imagine that this is fusion cuisine in Hungary. Goddammit, we made some great chicken last night that I'll come back and holler at y'all about. In the meantime, I just biked halfway up and down Austin Texas, then sat in the sun in a backyard drinking rum punch and Canadian beer, and listened to JRW dj gems like "Electric Avenue" and "Egyptian Lover". Yup, it was good. Hence my ramshackle posting. Our friends put the wrong kind of compost in their backyard and it smelled like poo. Yeah, I said it. PS. I saw this on my bikeride and obviously I was very excited about it. Shitty graffiti is always the best. This is "food" related because it mentions "soul eating". There you have it.

EL CHILITO BE BUMPIN

KJJ: Guys I am very excited to report that El Chilito was bumpin' wylde stylez last night. When we pulled in we could hardly find a parking spot! I explained to JRW that its because the peeps have been reading our favourable reviews. But that is a damn lie because we only have like 4 readers. So how to explain the activity? Maybe people can smell the love cooking up in there... Last night we mixed it up a bit and I tried the Pollo Burrito. It was stupendous! The chicken was marinated and shredded up nice and thin. They do two things REALLY well at El Chilito: first, the rice is really good. It adds a lot when the rice is nice and fluffy with a super decent flav'. Secondly they put this fuckin' __ahem__ pardon me I'm trying to cut down on the profanity, let me start over: Secondly they put this f**kin' awesome LIME infusion / essence that is not too much and not too little into a lot of their creations. Its hard to bitch about how ass-backward Texas is sometimes when you open your heart to the kick-ass aspects of life here like enjoying a burrito with flavours that just CAN'T be duplicated let alone found at all eleswhere. You know what I'm saying? Sure, my neighbours might have shot out a our kitchen window with a BB gun and shot at all our birds. Sure, Austin might be voted as America's second "greenest" city despite having embarassingly little public transport, light rail trains or commuter bike paths. But bitches, this aint a socialist city, its man vs man, burrito vs burrito, and El Chilito has officially won the championship. If I could make one suggestion, its that they use a sturdier tortilla and wrap 'em up a bit better, because the fillings always seem to be bustin' loose like the Doobie Brothers on a yacht party in 1983. Now lets talk a little bit about "The Twilight of American Civilization" and I could tie that into a very fascinating quote I found on my cup at Starbucks... JRW: Yeah, homeys, I don't wanna get all political on this blog's ass, but... Morris Berman says America is in it's twilight phase, and I'm totally feeling him. Peep the signs, you know it's true. The gap between the rich and the poor is growing larger, more people are in debt trying to attain some fantasy lifestyle, an insane amount of teenagers can't even find the US on a map, growing illiteracy, and the rise of religion over rational thought. I mean, damn. But wow, El Chilto has the bitchinest burritos. GIMME BURRITOS OR GIMME DEATH! KJJ: Okay. We went to Starbucks last night to try a "Green Tea Latte". (It was my idea, JRW is way too cool for that. I was just real curious about this Green Tea Latte. And no, I'm not a Starbucks person). Supposedly America's twilight can be measured by the indication of pervasive reliance on religious thought rather than logical thought. Granta sums it up on the back of this month's issue by noting that God is doing REALLY WELL in Texas, Tehran and Afghanistan. So, I buy this Green Tea Latte and on my cup is this obscenely saccharine and... (sometimes we're afraid to use this word, but i'm just going to say it) STUPID pablum mush quote about "God this, God that.. you are God's creature... God is the highest standard... God created you..." etc etc. NO I did not save the cup with the exact quote or author. YES I understand Starbucks does this to incite conversation and debate by placing a "food for thought" quote on their stuff. But AMEN!-- what the hell bro?? Maybe if I PRAY REAL HARD that quote will go away. Starbucks, incidentally, provides the "greenest" paper coffee cup of all the coffee chains with 10% post consumer recycled fibers. 10%? That is sad. Can we all collectively consider getting our heads out of our asses once in a while? About the Green Tea Latte itself: Interesting! Not *obviously* made out of syrup or a mix which was nice. Even though I'm not sure what exactly it *was* made of. Something sort of powdery at the bottom, but not entirely distasteful. Not like a warm milkshake either, which I was glad about. Not grossly sweet. If you want a green drinky, order it up. And God bless you, beautiful perfect creature of God, amen. JRW: Dang. KJJ's eloquence just made me sound like one of those illiterate Americans.

PISSALADIERE! NO, ITS NOT A PIZZA

//1 frozen puff pastry //olive oil //2 med onions, thinly sliced //dried thyme //dried oregano //...or any combination of greek or italian herbs to taste //1 tomato, sliced //mozzarella grated //1 can anchovy filets //black pitted olives, halved or sliced //1 egg, lightly beaten //preheat oven to 350. brush baking sheet w/ oil or melted butter. place thawed pastry on baking sheet. //heat oil in a pan and sautee onions with herbs until translucent. spread on top of pastry, but leave a border of say 1". //arrange tomatoes over onions, sprinkle with cheese. apply anchovies in a latice pattern over filling. arrange olives to complement the latice design. its all about the design. perhaps make a portrait of a loved one or a favorite pet out of the olives. //brush edges of pastry with beaten egg. bake till golden approx 25 mins. serve warm. You will not need extra salt. The anchovies are potent. This is much lighter than a pizza, do not make the mistake of thinking of this as a pizza. It is a "Pissaladiere!!!" To de-salt anchovies, soak them in cold milk for 5 minutes. Remove the backbone with your fingers. I had a boss that did that to me once. Long time ago. Story for another blog. JRW:Dudes..eat it all in one setting, do NOT try to save any. It will not keep well, and if you eat it, do NOT do itin your offfice. It will never stop smelling like anchovies if you do. And pack some Altoids.

I'M A MEATBALL

I'm a meatball, short and fat. I'm a meatball, how 'bout that. -Atom & His Package "Meatball" KJJ: Good grief. We made Greek meatballs. With sauteed snap peas and broiled mushrooms with salt and pepper. How to make a meatball? You take your meat, your egg, your breadcrumbs, your SPICES, your depressed garlics, and you f'ing roll that s**t around in a bowl. Get your hands in there, real oooey goooey stuff. Cook them on the stovetop till they are browned on the outside, then throw them in the oven and bake to completion. There you go kiddo, you are a meatball champion. Don't let the world get you down. Fly your freak flag high. Skate and destroy. JRW: Greek meatballs will totally light up your Saturday night, but only if you sautee up some suger snap peas and radishes and serve 'em up with a red wine. That's right, WINE. I like it, and no, Rob, I'm not going to write any poetry while I'm drinking it. DICK. Get a big bold red, and don't mess around with Urbane, just because it's on sale. It lost it's zing after it breathed a bit, and by the time we decided to play POLISH GAME, the best card game on the planet, I was thinking to myself, "do we have any of that kahlua left?". Red wine. Go big or go home, brah. And skate and destroy.

VISUALS GET FREAKY

We just redesigned our stupid blog with an homage to artists Gilbert & George. We hope you likey. Also, we are now free of all the Google ad bullshit that was slumming on our sidebar. You will notice instead a new owl graphic indicating the aforementioned. Letters of concern and feedback may be addressed to apartmenthobos at hot mail dot com.

SENDING OUT OUR ATTRACTION PHEREMONES TO THE AUSTIN OUTSIDER

Our stank musk of appreciation is blowing in the direction of the Austin Outsider. Tears have come to our eyes upon reading their most excellent review of what we have here. Keep reaching for the stars and hangin' on a rainbow, and join us as we continue our daily journey of cultural and societal critique. Let your computer in your cubicle be a portal to our digestive system. PS. Their assessment of us is freakishly accurate. Read it here.

RESPECKOGNIZED

KJJ: Hot diggity!! The Austinist has noted us, The Apartment Food Hobos, as one of the "Best of the Blogs" for this week! The simple fact that they noted JRW to be "erratic" (see comments here) is astounding in its accuracy. I am simply amazed. Dear Austin readers, you liked that erratic review? Well.... we got plenty more where that came from...

DEPARTMENT OF TIM HORTON'S AFFAIRS volume III

Get a job making donuts in Kandahar, Afghanistan! "Employees will make $15,500 to $17,000 during their six-month stint (based on a 371/2-hour week), plus a $1,800-per-month, tax-free stipend with room and board included.

Ultimately, demand from 2,200 Canadian and 5,000 foreign troops at the base will determine staffing.

The ad calls for workers to "live the adventure in Afghanistan" and "take the challenge to the edge" with a "change from the everyday routine.""

BOAT ME.

KJJ: I know its tacky to order a boat of sushi and sashimi... but we did it. AND WE'D DO IT AGAIN! The restaurant we dined at, Silhouette (odd name for a sushi restaurant, but nonetheless...) is downtown and has a pretty swell atmosphere, with warm wood and deep but clean interiors. A nice change from the usual mod and sometimes sterile urban-hip sushi cafes. I'm kind of picky about sushi, once you've had it on the west coast, you feel like you deserve outstanding and authentic japanese dishes at low prices. The best sushi restaurant I've ever eaten at is in Vancouver, B.C., Canada... and nothing will probably ever top it. But the kind of places I miss most are family-run, neighbourhood restaurants that are still cosmopolitan and high-quality. I've never eaten at "progressive" and experimental/fusion sushi places with enough frequency to have an opinion on them either way, due to the fact that I haven't enough yen if you feel me. So what I'm trying to get at is-- Silhouette is my kind of joint. They had a pretty decent selection of the usual culprits aswell as some more interesting items that we completely ignored in favour of THE BOAT. Yeah, we did it. It was a nice boat, the rolls were fantastic. The fish was very flavourful, not at all watery or cold. Very soft and delicious. JRW said, "buttery". The thing that irritates me the most about JRW is that he has self-control and excercises an infuriating restraint in choosing and enjoying the pieces. Our dinner lasted twice as long as it would have if I were in charge. The upside is, you kind of have a better experience that way. Incidentally, what stands out most in my mind about this dinner were the immigration protests occuring down the street. Downtown was full of flags waving, cars honking, and overheard conversations regarding the new immigration laws. When we were all finished the boat miraculously levitated 2 feet off our table and floated away, and we asked ourselves, was it naught but a dream? JRW: Do it up! Silhouette used to be this other place, whose name we won't mention-because of a controversy involving cameras planted in the bathroom, but it's much better in it's new form. Man, the sashimi was welcome and good! How does a fish capture so much flavOUR (what up, Canada?) in that meat? That was some of the tastiest sashimi I've ever had. I don't know if it's just been a long time since I've hadd it or what, but when I put that first piece of tuna in my mouth, I thought I was gonna have to kick a chair over I was so pumped. Those little rolls were some of the best I've ever had, as well. Wonderfully textured, creamy but with a slight crunch at the end. We discovered they have a decent looking happy hour too, which we need to take as much advantage of as we can before World War III starts.

ONE SMALL STEP FOR EL CHILITO - ONE GIANT STEP FOR APARTMENT FOOD HOBOS

KJJ: El Chilito in Austin, TX, USA has updated their menu and now sells many forms of burrito. I am so very happy about this new development. I can sum up the flavour thusly.... "fuckin' delicioso!" El Chilito Cafe 2219 Manor Road, Austin TX

FROM SOUP TO NUTS

Manhattan Style Clam Chowder //4 oz canadian bacon, diced //1 spanish onion //1 can clam juice (10 oz) //1 can whole tomatoes, cut up (15 oz) //2 red potatoes, chopped //2 bay leaves //1/4 tsp lemon pepper //1 can minced clams (6 oz) //1/4 cup snipped fresh parsley //saute bacon or ham until browned. add onions and celery, saute until transparent, about 3 mins. //stir in clam juice, tomatoes, potatoes, bay leaves, lemon pepper. cover the pot, bring to a boil, reduce heat, simmer 15 mins or until potatoes are tender. //stir in clams and simmer for 5 more mins. discard the bay leaves. top with parsley. //if you use fresh minced clams, keep the cooking time short, 5 to 10 mins, or the clams will be tough nibblies dude. Fruit & Nut Salad With Pecorino Dressing //mixed greens //sliced fuji apple //cherry tomatoes //big ole mess of fresh dill //walnuts //sunflower seeds Dressing //tsp mayo //1/4 cup yogurt //tablespoon sour cream //dash of oil //dash of white wine vinegar to taste //tsp garlic powder //salt, pepper //1/4 cup grated pecorino romano cheese Combine and dine. JRW: Combine and RULE. Like a despot. With an iron fist, with a heavy hand. With no remorse, no regards. The dressing will dominate your peoples. The pecorino will tax your family. The apples will imprison all opposition parties. The clams will stifle your free press. For 30 years. RULE.

BAKED LEMON TILAPIA WITH MANDARIN ORANGE SALSA

Mandarin Salsa //1 cucumber, seeded and diced //1 can (11 oz) mandarin oranges, drained //1 tbsp chopped fresh chives //1 tsp olive oil //1 tbsp white wine or cider vinegar //dash of ground red pepper //2 tsp chopped fresh cilantro //combine and chill for 15 - 20 mins. serve with fish. KJJ: This was really good, better than I expected. Tropical, elegant enough for company (not that our company is ever very elegant. Make that-- "too elegant for apartment company"), fast to make, not too expensivo, it pleased my taste buds. I dont know what categorizes something as "salsa", because really... this wasn't "salsa". It was more like, "tangy, slightly spicy concoction". JRW: Sweet, Sweet tilapia. So tender. So flakey. So f'ing missed. The mandarin szalsa added a nice little zest to our favorite inexpensive white fish. And I loved the carrot/pea combo-it reminded me of those frozen Bird's Eye brand boxes you'd see at the weird little dark grocery store on the other side of Westcott, right down the street from the Circle K you used to skate to to buy slurpies and robitussin and steal NERDS. KJJ: I know, the peas and carrots were so quaint and homey. I WAS VERY EXCITED TO EAT! You see, we've been doing a "cleanse" thunk up by a practical joker named Dr. Max Bircher, a Swiss nutritionist and physicist from the 19th century. Dr. Maximillian Bircher: "Vous les gars sucent. Mes projets nutritifs sont l'en face de mauvais et Suisse est le contraire de mauvaisee herbe!" He was obviously either a) a lunatic or b) hiding, like, a baked potato and peanut butter and jam sandwiches in his beard. Cuz his instructions are diabolical. I now know how addicted I am to coffee. Makes me feel all bummerized about myself. Dr. Bircher, you have won this round. Now, let us never speak of (or eat) your "cleansing" soup broths AGAIN! JRW: Dude. Dr.Bircher, I pretty much despise you, with your muesli and raw vegetable lunches. Wait. I haven't even had any muesli yet. OK then, the lunches. Yeah, I feel like i'm doing the right thing, but damn, someone in my offfice breakroom was eating THAI FOOD. AND HERE'S ME, TRYING TO EAT CARROTS WITH A PLASTIC FORK. Nuts to you, Dr. Bircher.

GIMME OLIVE YOUR BREAD

KJJ: Olive bread, toasted in the oven with olive oil butter... I'm kind of at a loss for what to say about this bread. I mean, it kind of speaks for itself. Whats not to like? Olives = good. Bread = good. Together = also good. If you're looking for some kind of deaper meaning here... well... sorry chief, I can't help you. I ATE IT AND I LIKED IT.

SOMEONE ELSE'S FOOD DIARY

KJJ: Presenting.... someone other than us documenting their food March 2006 February 2006 January 2006 I've decided to judge this person on what they're eating. I've decided we could be friends. And, in the words of Richard E. Grant in How To Get Ahead in Advertising... "I think you're a vegan who eats meat!" He has his good days: And he has his bad...

DEPARTMENT OF TIM HORTON'S AFFAIRS

10 year old girls fightin' for that good stuff... Winning Tim Horton's cup sparks bitter row Yeah, but at least the coffee isn't bitter! Ba-dum-dumm. ALSO-- Explosion dans un Tim Hortons?? Sur Yonge et Bloor?? Quest-ce que fuck??

I JUST FLEW IN FROM HOUSTON AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED!!

KJJ: Houston = Eating Apple turnovers, stoned clerks at Quack's forgetting to give me my croissant (many tears), artichoke dip, mango and chicken salad with hearts of palm, pina colada, margarita, vodka and tonic, halibut on potato served with orchid garnish, Josh's burrito, corned beef hash, coffee, orange juice, iced lattes.... and replacement croissants warmed up on the dashboard of the car in the hot Texas sun, listening to friends' bands and music gossip on the CBC.... yup yup. Calgary and Edmonton are the new Montreal. Halibut is the new salmon. And I am DONE with meat being served on salads. Take that chicken breast away.