150 VERSIONS OF CAKE

KJJ: Y'all better pay attention. WFMU is playing 150 versions of Todd Colby's masterpiece "Cake". If you like, cake, insanity, and MP3s, have I gotta link for you.... WFMU's blog with complete Cake-A-Thon I'm so full of cake. If I eat any more cake I'd have to vomit first. Sometimes I'll eat 2 or 3 cakes in a single day. I love cake! I can't be any clearer than that. I love cake! I'll eat every cake in New York City. I can't even go into bakeries anymore because I'll eat all the cake. I'll say "Where's the cake? Gimme the cake! Get the cake!" And they say, "We know how very much you love cake, and we know you very rarely have the money for any of our cake, so get outta here, because you can't afford our cake! But we know how much you love cake, so get outta here, you can't afford the cake!" I'll punch somebody in the head for some cake. Give me all your cake! I love cake! Gimme the cake! Now! I love it! I love cake! Gimme your cake! JRW: i like the ones wher they smple the poem or use like, a computer programmed voice,or siong it as lyrics to music- but i'm not as into the ones where they just retell the poem trying to act weird, becuse it's fucking weird and crazy enough already.

BACK TO FOOD, BACK TO REALITY

KJJ: Hey folks, the last post may have come off a little sour. I apologize for nothing and everything. This post will be so delightful you will barf a rainbow. Ready? What we are talking about today is an exciting new pasta sauce we developed. Pictured above is the "base". The "foundation". The super happy, sweet and delightful rainbow of minced carrots, rosemary, garlic and onions. I'll provide my recipe below, without amounts. Adjust the amounts as per your own taste. And get ready to taste the rainbow!!! //oil, chopped onions, garlic = the familiar trinity //krunkload of minced carrots (food processorized) //buttload of red wine //assload of fresh rosemary (and some dried, too!) //canned diced tomatoes //tomato paste //s**tload of ricotta cheese //salt and pepper //smidgen of sugar Now cook you f'ing doozers, COOK!

CAN I BE SERIOUS FOR A MO?

KJJ: America, I need to talk to you. I need to talk to you about what I saw on something called "Oprah". "Oprah" is helping "grown-ass people" to "get out of debt". Fine. I salute her for it. And I think her approach is vaguely awesome. She interjects at just the right moments to gracefully inform the debtors that they are somewhat spiritually void, living unconsciously, and on auto-pilot. Darn tootin'. Let me tell you something. We Apartment Hobos are BROKE. We know how it goes. Since I moved to Austin, I have basically had to start my life over. I sold all my possessions and furniture. I shut-down a business that had finally reached the point of breaking even and was finally getting press and orders. JRW took on the obligation of supporting two people on a modest salary. I spent half a year unable to work due to immigration policies. (Finally got my green-card! Wicked!). Anyways- we know how to do "broke". And let me tell you America; ye who hath the lowest personal savings since the great depression; you do not solve broke-itude by EATING OUT EVERY MEAL!!! I am so aghast at how civilization has developed to this point, I am confused at where to begin. It all comes down to one Woman on "Oprah"-- an educated grown up person-- who HAS NEVER GROCERY SHOPPED before in her life! And another family who has never made a grocery list! I realizing my own naivete in thinking that people are generally raised to learn how to function at mealtimes. Coming from a D.I.Y. family and sorta punk-rock ethic, it seems so natural to me that you would learn how to a) cook; b) obtain groceries; and sometimes c) know how to grow your own food given the opportunity. I could see myself initiating a subtle "back to the land" movement within my own small family of two humans, so to a degree I understand that perhaps I am not like the others. The type of others you would be introduced to on "Oprah". The present finds KJJ and JRW spending time together to decide what would be interesting to cook. Then we spend time figuring out what we'z gonna eat for a week and what we need to obtain from the grocery store to make this happen. We have a list. It takes time. We sweat at the grocery store over whether we will be able to afford certain items. We do not go to the GAS STATION (aka convenience store) for food, like Woman on "Oprah". We do not feed our (non-existant) child drive-through for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We cook together and we sit together and eat. Sorry, enough about us. Back to Woman on "Oprah". Woman on "Oprah" did not even own cutlery or dishes. Woman on "Oprah" is, I'm now learning, a typical American! An educated, adult woman with a good job and a family. She had a big ole' family, and I can't believe none of her friends or family would have influenced her to learn how to cook, garden, or... like... go to a grocery store!? She spent $700 a week on "eating out". I can barely classify a convenience store as "eating out". Shit, I can barely classify Applebees as "eating out". During the "Oprah" show, her financial guru obtained for her some pots and pans, a coffee maker, and a blender. She was brave and worked to make her first meal, which looked like a tuna pasta salad. She was delighted! She had made something! And both families who shopped with a list were pumped too! They were all like baby hamsters opening their eyes for the first time. This gives me hope that people can sort of "get it together", it gives me hope that maybe just maybe, one day the Environmental Movement (ha!) could maybe just maybe "get it together" and appeal to soccer moms and really, like, take hold. But thats a whole nother subject best left to when I get drunk at your party and corner you in the kitchen and say "THE THING YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND IS...." When the debtors went to the grocery store, the first thing they all gravitated towards were brightly pre-packaged quasi-foods like tacos and god knows what else (we dont usually shop in those aisles so I dont even know what weird shit is on the market now). Their gurus had to explain that if they bought a whole ham they could eat for a week for the same price as the pre-packaged tacos. (Don't even get me started on the vegetarian, vegan possibilities / omissions). So, to review, people are having life-altering moments on television when someone shows them how to buy groceries. I hope my spaceship lands soon and my long-lost alien comrades return me swiftly to whatever planet I come from, cuz I am hopelessly out of touch with my human friends. People have essentially ZERO connection to where anything comes from and where anything goes. People have zero connection to land, food, ecosystems and each other. How tragic. JRW and I have had a few long discussions about Woman on "Oprah". For he was raised in Houston, fending for himself food-wise, or often coming home late enough that dinner was already prepared. JRW also ate in restaurants with his family much more often than I. My kitchen and food memories are, summertime in Alberta when my father would make us pick huge batches of beans and peas from the rather "farm-like" vegetable garden. Our family also grew lettuce, salad greens, potatoes, corn, raspberries and strawberries and herbs. I usually got a small section in the garden where I would try to grow my own herbs and ridiculous things like watermelons! My grandmother showed me how to make French crepes, ommelletes, and Polish dumpling soups (which I WISH I could remember now). Ahh memories. We ate out and ordered in VERY rarely. I dont think I can even remember our family ever ordering a pizza. Where am I going with this? I am not attempting to list how "I am better" than Woman on "Oprah". I am expressing surprise and bafflement. Perhaps it is me, K to the J to the J who is out of touch? It is 2006, we exchange money for goods and services, like food. It is a fast-moving world... etc etc... In the past 90% of the goods in a home were MADE in the home. Clothing, food, furniture. Now we buy everything. Our hills (I dont want to say "land-fill") are filling with discarded Swiffer-motherfucking-Sweepers, and people carry home shopping bags full of plastic bags containing garbage bags. In conclusion, I'd like us all to consider Voluntary Human Extinction. Thanks for listening!

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

JRW: 13 beans. 2 people. Who'll win? I'll tell you. You will. Because I will regale you with a tale so sweet it will make your teeth ache. It begins 5 days ago, in a small Texas town known to locals as Lockhart (see previous post: "SMITTY'S TEXAS BBQ EXPEDITION"-ed), where a throng of tired, slightly greasy poster atists got greasier in a smokehouse hallway. A sausage link was procured. Many, in fact. A few were brought home to our refrigerator. It was a happy time. Fast forward 3 days. JRW, in an emergency trip to the local grocery shoppe, is struck by a moneysaving idea. 13 bean soup. It will be good, and it will last for days, and everyone in the 805 B alliance will be happy, including Tortellini and Lil' Budddy. I don't know why, but they will be. Fast forward some more, but maybe with the "search" button instead-JRW soaks the beans. For 12 hours. KJJ seems worried, but she trusts JRW, and with good reason, for he LIVED on beans in his previous life at BENNETT. Oh, BENNETT. JRW knows that it will help warm up KJJ, who has fallen gavenly ill in a post-SXSW fever. He tells her to relax, take a shower, and prepare for the healening. Then, he chops up a 1015 onion (which are super sweet, and don't sting your eyeballs), a few cloves of garlic ( the key healening ingredient-alchemists take note), some celery...throws it into a big pot, and softens it all up in peanut oil (because supply shortages have left the olive oil provisions extra low). THEN, LO AND BEHOLD, the sausage RE-APPEARS, slices itself up and jumps into the mix! Then, JRW adds a bunch of water (not too much-cover the beans, basically). Oh, and then he adds...THE 13 BEAN MEGA-MIXXX. He serves it with some white rice, and everyone, the fish included, are happy, the end. Bye. Oh yeah, we forgot to take pics, but it wasn't very pretty anyway. And it was good enough that we both ate 2 bowls of it. The end, bye. KJJ: Everytime I eat a bean or a seed, I am amazed that there is the potential for an entire plant to grow out of said bean or seed. And thusly, an entire forest of plants from the resulting beans and seeds. We basically ATE INFINITY. When you eat a piece of meat, the only potential result of the meat is death and decay and rot. When I think about it, we ate INFINITY times THIRTEEN. Thirteen beans... thirteen beans. It has come to my attention that I have a fever and I am delirious.

SOMETIMES LIFE ISNT PRETTY, PT. II

KJJ: We made a bunch of crap for dinner last night. It was pretty gross, but we gave it a proper funeral before throwing it in the garbage. JRW: We killed it. Right into the trash can. Read it's last rites, then ate some awesome cookies.

EXCUSE ME, WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE?

KJJ: You take a bite out of your freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, pause for a moment to continue on a drawing, and return to find it gone, eaten by a wild-haired transient moustachio'd Texan. WTF? Its not like there weren't at least ten other freshly baked chocolate chip cookies available for purchase and download. Old JRW a.k.a. Moustache McGee - you better watch him 'round your edibles and baked goods. Another true, weird, story: get this- its about dinner time, I'm starving for the Chicken Caesar Salad we're going to make (this Wendy's ad I saw the night before at 1am seemed to program itself into my head and make me want, of all things, a Chicken Caesar Salad - thnx Wendy's) for dinner... and old Jamie "Wyld Style" Ward announces, he's going to make himself a sausage as a snack??? Right before dinner??? While the rest of us lowly citizens are just supposed to wait the extra 10 mins and stay hungry??? Portrait of a lunatic. And I got other questions: Number One- seriously, it was weird that I'd ever want a Chicken Caesar Salad - my question is... you've got a salad - why dump big chunks of greasy meat on top of it? Like.... uhhhh... So odd! Number Two - how comez my cookies always turn out so biscuit like? (heh). Is this a baking powder issue or a not-enough-sugar issue? Tips from bakers would be appreciated! This is the second batch of cookies that have risen up almost bread-like. JRW: YOINKS! I YOINKS'D THAT COOKIE, I DID. It was there, with the rest of the cookies. I thought it was being put back. i mean, who takes a bite of a delicioso cookie, then puts it back in the pile? Someone who's gonna get her cookie yoinks'd, that's who. And that salad? It was great. Lemon pepper chicken cesar salad? Genius. the croutons were are a good little treat, they were like little sponge-cubs, and they sopped up the dressing/ parmesan mix quite nicely. Quick and surprisingly tasty. Then...the cookie/ biscuits. WHOO! KJJ: I'M GONNA YOINKS YOU. JRW: I'm gonna yoinks that Tim Hortons...

BEHOLD: THE WORLD'S GREATEST COOKBOOK

The World's Greatest Cookbook might just be "A Texas Hill Country Cookbook". I purchased it in Calgary, Alberta, Canada at a used bookstore for $3. It was first printed in September 1976. As you can imagine, the combination of Texas flavours and mid-seventies culinary trends produces an awesome mash-up of SOLID FOOD and hip-thickening, artery-bustin, taste-bud watering meals. All the recipes, I suspect, were submitted by old bitties. Even Ladybird Johnson gets a credit. The recipe I'd like to share with you today is from Mrs. John A. (Nancy) Greenway. Isn't it quaint how women used to only be identified by their husband's name? Quaint and mind-boggling. Makes me want to smash a dog through a window. Anyways, here is a recipe that I urge all the bakers out there to try. Its a little something called "Banana-Walnut Bread" and its a dance number: //1/2 cup butter or margarine //1 cup sugar //2 eggs beaten //1 cup mashed bananas //1 cup all purpose flour** //1 cup whole wheat flour** //1/3 teaspoon salt //1 teaspoon baking soda //1/3 cup hot water //1/2 cup chopped walnuts (or chocolate chips) **or use two cups of all purpose flour, like I do. //Part one: "The Wetsies" -- Preheat oven to 325. Melt butter and blend in sugar. Add beaten eggs and mashed bananas, blending until smooth. //Part two: "The Drysies" -- Sift flour, salt and baking soda. Last time I made this, I added an extra teaspoon of baking powder. //Part three: "The Combinesies" -- Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients, alternating with hot water. Stir in nuts. Grease pans and pour in a 9x5 inch pan, or two small ones. Bake for 1 hour until knife or straw comes out clean. I actually use a square cake-pan and bake for half the time. This comes out almost cake-like. Grab a lump for breakfast, it will last a few days due to its nice moist consistency. When you find a gem of a cookbook like this, it may not be pretty, all the authors may be right-wing old ladies who died of heart attacks from their own cooking, and there might not be pictures... but dang y'all, its good eatin'. I'm tempted to share the chili recipe that got people DOWN THE BLOCK from my house in Canada knocking on my door (cuz it smelled so darn good - for serious) and the jalepeno rice recipe... in time my prettys, in time....

WHAT KIND OF FOOD DONUT ARE I?

You Are a Boston Creme Donut

You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.

What Donut Are You?

You Are French Food

Snobby yet ubiquitous. People act like they understand you more than they actually do.

What Kind of Food Are You?

BIG UPS TO NAUGHTYCURRY.COM

KJJ: Finally, some people recognize my real genius and quote me on their website. Check it out--> Naughtycurry.com

WE'LL PICK YOU UP TOMORROW MORNING!

KJJ: Hi folks. We, and by "we" I mean "us"; The Apartment Food Hobos, are taking SXSW off. And by "off" I mean, posts will be limited. Look how busy we are! We are so busy, that JRW even made it into today's paper!! Thats how busy we are! This just in: JRW Extremely Busy During SXSW! In conclusion, here is a picture of a burrito. They are fucking delicioso.

GNOCCHI CAN YOU HEAR ME?

BEFORE AFTER

I hear the drums echoing tonight But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation She’s coming in 12:30 flight The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation I stopped an old man along the way Hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies He turned to me as if to say, hurry boy, spinach gnocchi is waiting there for you Chorus: It’s gonna take a lot to drag that gnocchi away from you There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the gnocchi down in africa Gonna take some time to do the things we never had The wild dogs cry out in the night As they grow restless longing for some spinach gnocchi I know that I must do what’s right Sure as kilimanjaro rises like olympus above the serengeti I seek to eat spinach basil garlic gnocchi, frightened of this thing that I’ve become Chorus (instrumental break) Hurry boy, gnocchi waiting there for you It’s gonna take a lot to drag that gnocchi away from you There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the gnocchi down in africa, I bless the gnocchi down in africa I bless the gnocchi down in africa, I bless the gnocchi down in africa I gnocchi the gnocchi down in spinach gnocchi Gonna take some time to do the things we never had //10oz spinach //3 large eggs //1 cup grated parmesan //1/2 cup ricotta cheese //1 1/4 cup bread crumbs //4 tbsp chopped fresh basil //1/3 cup chopped green onions //1 garlic clove, minced or pressed //1/2 tsp salt //1/4 tsp ground black pepper //pinch of nutmeg or cinnamon to taste //2 to 3 cups tomato sauce //preheat oven to 400. oil a baking dish. //rinse spinach well and place in large pot with only the water that clings to leaves. cook on high, stirring occaisionally, until it wilts all small-like. set aside and drain. //in a large bowl mix all the other stuff. gently stir in the chopped spinach into the mush. //drop the batter by rounded tablespoonfuls onto the baking dish. the ones above are bigger than a tablespoon, about the size of a really plum perogi. cause we're fattening ourselves up. //should make about 18 balls. pour the tomato sauce around the gnocchi to almost cover. //bake for about 25 mins until firm and beginning to brown. serve hot with tomato sauce ladled on top, and if you can HANDLE IT, add some more parmesan.

OMG! OMG! OMG! SUPER CUTE ALERT!

KJJ: Guys, I dont want to alarm you, but I just made only the worlds super cutest cookie ever!! See?!? IT MATCHES OUR FISH! (The little blob on the bottom matches the other, smaller fish "Little Buddy". I kind of just phoned that one in, seeings hows I was out of batter and all...)

BIG BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUT

KJJ: To our faithful reader G. Peveto, celebrating his 24th birthday last night. He desperately wants his own food blog and has resorted to spamming message-boards with the legendary tales of his birthday dinner: "Here's what I had for my birthday diner Rattlesnake cakes with pistachio crust and chipotle cream Escargot with hearts of palm and asparagus Venison with lobster with guava sour cherry sauce Ruby Trout with mango habanero aioli Chocolate-chili-coffee rubbed Elk with Gulf Coast Crab and lime chipotle beer blanc Rabbit tenders, Smoked Quail and Achiote Marinated Buffalo. couple bottles of wine and three flavors of creme brulee. Vanilla, Chocolate, Expresso. it was all excellent."

YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME FEEL COOL?

Taking pictures of my food before I eat it. Its really weird. But then I think to myself, well... we arent having kids, so these are my "babies". But then I eat the babies and I'm pretty much back to square one.

SOMETIMES LIFE ISNT PRETTY

KJJ: The Tofu Stroganoff was so unnatractive that I decided to make something pretty for dinner. BEHOLD - the onionest of Onion Tarts. Hey, whats that between the tart and the garlic and basil beans? Its motherf**king Mrs. Johnson's Donuts, thats what it is!! Layed out like a glazed slut, waiting for me to gorge on cinnamon twists and sugar dough. The recipe for the onion tart is easy and actually kind of inexpensive, since its mostly onions in there. I'll post it soon. We ate this while listening to Yo La Tengo on WFMU and watching some WB show called "Supernatural" which was actually a sort of decent rip of the very awesome The Wicker Man. You can't shoot and kill zombies or pagan infested scare-crows! When will people learn that? JRW: Whereas I was pretty stoked on the stroganoff (stoke-anoff?), and ate more the next day, she was not. But we both loved this little tart. I was coughing and horking so I wasn't allowed to be in the kitchen while this was happening. Imagine my surrise when I first saw this thing cooked. It was great-i love onions, but this wasn't too onion-y at all-plus the green beans had were full of butter, so when I'd bite down, there's be a little butter blast. I love that. Oranges are good, and these ones we picked up the other day are super adictive and seperate easily from the peel. Man, I hate when I can't seperate the orange from the peel. Simple things, those are the ones that get to me. Broken hand? Oh, well, you know how it goes. Oranges that don't peel? I HATE THAT SH*#. KJJ: Sometimes you look at a tart like this one, you want to encase it in glass. You want to eat it four times. We are so goddamn talented and clever that you want to crap diamonds out your ass then die in the puddle of ass diamonds.

78TH ANNUAL ACADEMY TOFU STROGANOFF AWARDS

Tofu Stroganoff //1 cake extra firm tofu, pressed //3 tbsp soy sauce //1 garlic clove, minced or pressed //oil //2 cups chopped onions //1 cup chopped celery //1.5 tsp salt //1 tbsp paprika //2 cups peeled & sliced carrots //2 cups bite-sized mushroom pieces //1.5 cup dry red wine //1.5 cups canned diced tomatoes w/ juice (14.5 oz can) //2 cups slized zucchini //1 cup chopped red bell pepper //2 tbsp chopped fresh dill //buncha egg noodles //.5 cup sour cream //marinate tofu in the soy sauce & garlic, stir occaisionally, marinate 20 mins or so. //heat oil, add onions & celery. cook for 10. //add salt, paprika, carrots. cook for 5. //add mushrooms and wine, cook for 5. //add tomatoes, zucchini, bell peppers. bring to a boil, reduce and simmer. add dill. //boil up noodles. //a few mins before serving, add tofu and stir gently. right before serving, add sour cream and stir. //serve stroganoff over the noodles. KJJ: Much salt and pepper was needed on the table to add some extra flavour to this dish. JRW told me a great joke: "What do you call a cow masturbating?" Answer: "Beef Stroganoff" HAW HAW HAW!!! Is this dish going to be tastier tomorrow for leftovers? You betcha. Is JRW's joke going to seem any funnier tomorrow? WHATEVER! JRW: ALL of my jokes seem funnier the next day and I'm gonna find out if this is better the next day in about...oh, say...30 minutes. KJJ: ...umm... Huh?

LONG LIVE PONYBOY

KJJ: My great friend L. Wilson is living in Japan right now and has some beautiful pics of Japanese cuisine (or soon to be cuisine) on her Flickr page. What she's eating (or not eating, since I knew her as a vegan in Canada, not sure if that's changed in Japan) is far more interesting than whats going on at 805B aka The Apartment. Have a looksee!--> L-Dub