CURRY ME TIMBERS

CURRIED CHICK PEAS (GARBANZOS) & CUCUMBER RAITA KJJ: I added super extra butter to these dishes because JRW is getting so skinny. The raita, as it usually is, turns out slightly watery from the cucumber juices. But the addition of cilantro, authentic Bulgarian yogurt, salt, and a small bit of cumin was nice. JRW: I'm totally trimmed down now, it's quite rad. However, I need some new pants (or I need to gain some weight back), or else I'm going to end up accidently give some random stranger(s) a close encounter of the plaid boxer kind. So, BRING ON THE BUTTERIN'! Also, the cucumber juices made this a little watery for my tastes, but I tried it on top of the chick peas, and it was damn good. KJJ: Rice and beans. Dressed up with strawberries. Mash about 1/3 of the chick peas with a fork or potato masher to get a nice consistency. Don't over do the spices, subtlety is appreciated. There is no actual curry powder in this dish, only a blend of cumin, turmeric, cinnamon, allspice, ginger, and garlic. And lemon juice which really improves the taste. And a diced tomato. So there!! JRW: Before KJJ moved in, I had no turmeric in my spice rack. Nor cumin, I think. Nor vegetables. Man, how times have changed. KICK ASS! Did you see how those tortillas snuck in there? MULTI-CULTI all over the place. We break down barriers over here.

YOU WANT THE TRUTH?

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! SPICED LENTIL SOUP AND SICILIAN ORANGE SALAD - Directed by KJJ , starring Barnier Picholine as "Olives". KJJ: No its not barf. No its not baby-food. No, those are not chunks of raw beef. All I'm going to say is, I need a new director of cinematography. JRW is going in avant-guarde "shiny, oily, and flashy" directions that I don't feel comfortable with as a culinary arts director. What makes this salad Sicilian, you ask? Not sure! JRW: You just don't understand my vision. When I see a plate of oranges, I see not the fruit itself, but the slime of the vampiric white agriculture barons, exploiting brown skin, the greed of profits over people, the sweat of calloused hands and bent backs, of working for 50 cents an hour...DON'T YOU TELL ME THERE IS EQUALITY IN AMERIKKA! Plus, there's something wrong with the flash on the camera. KJJ: Spiced Lentil Soup from a recipe in Anna Thomas' second volume of the Vegetarian Epicure. My previous note in the cookbook said "Excellent" and you know what folks? I wasnt lying to myself! Bon Apetit!

RICE-AGE

STRAWBERRY SOY & YOGURT SMOOTHIE; MIXED APPETIZERS; SPINACH & FETA RICE CASSEROLE KJJ: Here we see a small but potent strawberry soy & yogurt smoothie. I only feed my family authentic Bulgarian yogurt because something tells me one member of my family might actually BE an authentic Bulgarian? We're not sure. Some days he sure looks it. KJJ: Mixed appetizer plate including some dang awesome Barnier Picholine green olives, mozzarella cheese, carrots and radich. These olives are wonderful. KJJ: Spinach & Feta Rice Casserole. Reproduced from an original recipe available in the Kripalu Cookbook. There are subtle tastes in this light casserole, including lemon, almonds, walnuts, and lots of fresh dill.

YE OLDE FRIED EGG SANDWICH

Got to my mickey, found me way up the apples, put on me whistle and the bloody trouble went telling me to fetch the tommy tucker. I was done being a mumper, I was, and bloody hank marvin for a jimmy riddle of holy ghost. The kitchen was arse-about-face but I aimed to do a tightener and fry up me eggs. I had the dead cert clobber on for the job so I knew my tucker would go down a treat! The dollymop was coopered on me fried egg sandwich and pulled a metal mickey for crying out three days straight she did! To top it off its a bit taters so I was wearing me centre half-- you know the hampden. I'm a bit 'arry at the moment so daffadown dilly eggs is all I had for me sup. The love and kisses only wanted a "soy banana smoothie", so I said "don't get lemon wiv me!". I'm no 'arris so off to rubber duck I went. Blimey it was taters -- I felt I es gawn down, doin' bird! Right then- I said bag for life, get that kettle on the arfur. The right way to make me eggs is tops of pull down the shutter, extra Johnny Rutter, and a pat of stammer and stutter. Picadilly Percy thats a top-notch me-and-you if I don't say so me-self!

BLUE PLANET: WE KEEP EATING IT. BUT NOT FOR LONG.

ZUCCHINI SAUTEED WITH TURMERIC AND ONIONS; COUSCOUS; TILAPIA NICOISE STYLE - Or, "Q: How Do You Spell Zucchini? A: Yummy!"KJJ: Damn squirrels and raccoons keep eating my Jack-o-lantern outside on the porch. I've seen 'em. This tilapia, old friend of mine, was pan fried with garlic and bread crumbs, lightly floured beforehand. When nearly cooked I applied a thick tomato sauce and then steamed it in the pan. It made a big whooosh sound when I poured the water in and closed the lid. It was very impressive and I felt like a champion. A champion of providing dinner. Over on the North side of the stove, on a nearby burner, my zucchini was rocking to its own tune of olive oil and turmeric, a mellow beat. The couscous was already finished and fluffed and staying warm. It finally got cold in Austin-town and its very soothing to eat something warm. We ate this dinner in silence because lately I hate society and f**k the world, etc. JRW: Then, we ate Blue Bell ice cream sandwiches and watched a documentary about our dependance on oil, and how the suburbs are going down.

BLUE PLANET: WE EAT IT

TILAPIA BAKED WITH ONIONS AND CAPERS; GARBANZO BEAN SALAD WITH BLUE CHEESE DRESSINGKJJ: Fresh croutons for the salad baked right in our oven! Tilapia also baked right in our oven! Phenomenal blue cheese dressing!! I usually make my own dressings, but not this time!!! This was pretty good!!!! I sure wanted an enormous piece of pie or cake afterward!!!!! JRW: When did we eat this? It was really tasty, but for the life of me, I can't remember what night it was-last week was a total motion blur of hobknobbing, "oh, yeah, this old thing? Yeah, I just pulled it out of the closet and threw it on", wine parties, press photos, helicopter rides, radio interviews...oh, wait. no it wasn't.

JRW AND THE CASE OF THE MYSTERY DINNER

KJJ: Hola Amigos, Its been a while since we hollered at ya. We've been having some "Jim Anchower" moments if you feel me. Things were going pretty good until our computer mouse busted (JRW: That mouse is a real rat), raccoons ate a messy hole in our jack-o-lanterns, and a mystery ailment struck us down for like 3 days. Lets not even talk about the serious attention one member of our household has needed to devote to the all important WORLD SERIOUS or whatever its called. I guess there's some team from Houston... I wanna say "Astros" (JRW: GO 'STROS!)? Anyways, the aforementioned household member cooked us up some friggin' mystery vittles (shown above). I know we said Mediterranean was the way of the Jedi this week, but we might have to pause that plan temporarily... we still havent got around to getting groceries (what with being bed-ridden and all). Shucks. What you are looking at here is a delicate combination of -Refried Beans -Rice a Roni (Spanish style) -Tortilla -Lettuce -Deep fried cheese peppers of some sort JRW retrieved these items triumphantly from the grocery store. I couldn't make this up. He did some experimental layering / baking / assembling and then got super pissed off that it was inedible. (Which was pretty cute). This was the first time I have ever had Rice a Roni- it is DAMN salty. JRW: That meal was a blow to my batting average. GO 'STROS!

CAFE MED

Dearest Reader(s), Like the invading armies and ancient traders of yore, we are venturing forth in search of tasty nibbles to an area far, far away from central Texas. It has come to our attention that the food of the mediterranean is super-duper tasty. While we would never neglect our treasured Austin taco trucks parked beside the freeways, we are excited about our new "theme". Join us, won't you, for a week of simple, classic mediterranean cooking. We will take you to sunny Spain, sunny France, sunny Italy, sunny Lebanon, sunny Morocco, sunny Albania, etc. We promise to share our gourmet recipes and details on how to do this on a peasant's wages, after all- our European great grandparents did it and they turned out fine! In fact they built this damn country with their bare hands!! Kids today!!!

REVENGE OF BEAUTY AND THE BORSCHT

BORSCHT; COUSCOUS; PEAR & GOAT CHEESE - Written & Directed by KJJ KJJ: If this tableau I recreate, in no time I might lose my mate. Hey... quick question... I'm just putting this out there... ever been so cranky with the American Health system and your resulting poverty and frustration leaves you with no option but to eat left-over borscht, engage in a conversation with your mate as to whether you want rice or lentils tonight, and spend the entire afternoon with the stereo turned up so loud listening to Throbbing Gristle? JRW: Yeah. Read the headline, "other times we're just broke". But really, we just need to go to the grocery store. The conversation about lentils and rice was a good one, too. I think we tackled a lot of issues with that debate. The answer is, NEITHER. KJJ: I've been eating this pot of borscht for three days. Its lost its magic. Which, I dont think it even had to begin with since the beets were 2 months old and starchy. I am human and I need to be loved. JRW: Jeez. Has it gotten that bad for us that we're aging our vegeatables? What do beets turn into when they get old? You know, like raisins and grapes? Man. I just got hungry again. KJJ: Amazing pear. A-maze-ing. Central Market pear. I dont even usually like pear too much. Goat cheese... is the milk of a goat... turned into cheese . You want so much for it to have flavour, but it is bland ( JRW:Remember the great point I made about it being a "tease cheese"? You think there's more flavour on the way with the rest of the bite, but NO. IT AIN'T) . (Uh-oh.. a convoy of protesting French goat-cheese makers might pull up on my lawn if this gets around). I mean, really, its lovely cheese, and when you layer it on a pear I suppose an imagined nostalgia for Provence makes this more appetizing than it really is... I should have let this cheese sit in my fridge for 3 more months until it turned "bleu". Over'n'out. JRW: Allow me to add that there is seldom a time in our household when a piece of cheese will go uneaten. That time was last night. Goat cheese should really just be something else.

PHO BETTER BLUES

DEEP FRIED TOFU PHO; VEGETABLE PHO; ICED COFFEE - PRODUCED BY KIM PHUNG STARRING KJJ AND JRW KJJ: My closest compadre loves him some deep fried tofu, and really who can blame him? Its hard to reproduce this in our lair, since we don't usually deep fry anything. And deep-frying would be a weird thing to start. Like, "you know, I really should start deep frying more things". So that just isnt going to happen anytime soon in our house. The thing that I, personally, don't exactly like about deep-fried tofu, is that I know its been deep fried the night before and is just plopped into the soup when they are ready to serve it. I dunno, just doesnt do much for me. I'd rather get my fresh veggies! JRW: What-evs. I love the deeeeeep fried tofu because they're like squishy litttle broth sponges. They're like that gum, Chewels(?) that I used to buy as a kid, you bite down on it and puncture this little pocket of juice...it's like extra flavor. I've tried to fry tofu, but it never comes out like this. I used to hate the Phung, because they used to make some pretty bland fried rice, but I like hopping over there now, and getting a good cheap bowl of soup. KJJ: Please note the fixin's above. Kim Fung is generous with the fixin's, which I love. Cilantro, double wammy of limes, sprouts, basil, and green peppers of some variety, which I don't remember ever getting in Canada when I ordered pho. So maybe its a regional thing with such a great variety of peppers available in Tejas. See that dark sphere lurking in the background of this photo? (Ha! - "pho-to", get it?) Well thats some damn fine iced coffee in its embryo state. It won't be a fully grown-up coffee until all of the water filters and the condensed milk is mixed - before you pour it over ice! JRW: OOPS. Sometimes, SOMEONE decides to get pho for breakfast instead of mufffins before the early matinee of 'Serenity' you're supposed to go see, and so you're not really thinking yet, because you've just woken up, and you're about to go see this totally bombastic loud movie, and then you end up NOT pouring your coffee correctly, and then you're like, 'i always do it this way" or whatever I said. See? I was so out of it, I don't EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I SAID. KJJ: Here's my kick-ass vegetable pho. Its radical to get a vegetable pho that is actually in vegetable broth. I dont know the subtle definitions of Pho, perhaps a veggie broth doesnt even qualify as true pho? Kim Fung makes a delicate soup, not overwhelmingly mind (and nasal) blowing like certain more potent phos, but it is dang good none-the-less. Here are some fun facts: -The worlds greatest pho is available at Saigon Y2K in Calgary, Alberta, Canada ( JRW: I seen it). Order #42. Calgary has a pretty kickin' Asian area, nobody is slacking off in the pho production, and Saigon Y2K (family run) now has I think 3 locations. -I have never once completely finished an entire bowl of pho. Furthermore, I do not know anyone that has. -Slurping is totally okay. -Pho cures illness and makes people hot and sexy. -I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

MISS SHIRAKIKU

NEW KOREAN GROCERY STORE DISCOVERED IN AUSTIN TEXAS! GREEN TEA PURCHASED AND CONSUMED! This week's green tea is Shirakiku, the none-roasted kind. And yes, I put back my original choice at the last minute and bought this one because the packaging is so pretty. It is mild and quite delicious. PS-That was the best packaging of the entire selection of teas. Look again at the woman-so serene, so generous; confident that she is giving you a fantastic gift: the greatest, greenest green tea in the entire mortal world. We'll probably finish it off pretty quickly, or so I'm guessing.

ONE BEER AND SEVERAL BEANS LATER

SPICED TOMATO BLACK BEANS OVER RICE, MOLSON CANADIAN - A KJJ PRODUCTION KJJ: This is one of those meals born out of neccessity, it answers the age old question: "what to eat for dinner?". This meal tests your skill at stocking a spice rack and pantry, your skill at being imaginative with limited ingredients, and your general cooking skills in making "something out of nothing"(*JRW: Or as they say in Texan, "Making chicken-salad outof chicken sh**, gross huh?). It also assures that in case a communist revolution breaks out, you will be able to feed your new comrades the peoples way, no bougie super-faire here. I actually overheard myself say out loud, "this is the kind of meal that if you've been hiking for 7 hours or, like, you just got out of prison, this would taste REALLY good" (*JRW, interrupting again:"She did, for realski"). I dare you to find wisdom like that on any other food blog. Crucial elements (I am dropping mad knowledge here so pay attention): -Beans, canned for convenience, I don't bother to rinse them -Tomato paste, this is your base, the flavor foundation -Onions & garlic, typical -Fresh green onions, you need these or you die of taste-deprivation and scurvy -Cumin and chili powder, they said this could never be done, but years of NASA-style culinary space training enabled me to put this meal into the galaxy and combine a stratospheric of two basic spices in atom-splitting, never before attempted flavor-zone exploration (*JRW: I don't even know what you just said, but that's EXACTLY how it happened!). Really, if you don't have cumin and chili powder (the forgotten spice) in your pantry then I just can't help you and you should turn off this blog forever and move into one of those kitchens on the set of a sitcom where none of the appliances work and none of the food is real and you can continue living your false life there. JRW:IN YOUR FACE, NBC! DEAL WITH IT!

TARRAGON CHIC

TARRAGON CREAM CHICKEN WITH NOODLES - A JRW JOINT Look at the mighty shallot staring at you, a third eye of onion, a Biblical epic of a miniature onion... If this onion could walk and talk it would be a surly hundred year old Albanian man, imploring you to buy a hand-crafted leather satchel, or... uhhh... damn I'm just distracted by that story about the pregnant Papillion dog that raised an abandoned squirrel. JRW brought the gnar into our kitchen, I hated the profanity cursing through the air, but it was worth it. JRW has a habit of cursing when cooking. He's seeking treatment. We've upped his Ravi Shankar and tea therapy to 20 milligrams a day. JRW says, dont forget to mention the shallot. KJJ says screw the shallot, whilst it is the bona-fide crown jewel, it could not exist without the army of tarragon defending its noodley homeland. Snobs might dismiss this meal as "quaint", but I swear to god I could market this upscale. You know like those "upscale" diners that serve $15 homefries n stuff. By Jupiter - I need to mention this great beverage, its something called "Minute Maid Fruit Punch" and we've diluted the s**t out of it so it lasts longer. Ya dig?

DANS HAMBURGERS

KJJ: I think I'm going into diabetic shock. JRW: All that sugar? KJJ: I can't feel my fingers. Well.... JRW: Lets discuss. KJJ: Lets disgust. No, it was good. What can you say about Dan's Hamburgers? Long silence. KJJ: So... this is awkward. JRW: It was... uhhh... y'know, filling. The shakes are huge. ...Long rambling conversation about cork-board, Serbian food, and finances... JRW holds face and mumbles quietly about hamburger.

THE BURRITO THAT CANNOT BE NAMED

KJJ: THATS ME SLURPING THAI TEA WITH PEARL AKA BUBBLE TEA. CAUSE PUTTING TAPIOCA EYEBALLS IN A BEVERAGE IS LIKE... OBVIOUS-- WHAT TOOK THEM SO LONG TO DO IT? MY STOMACH IS ALL, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?", BUT MY TONGUE IS ALL, "SWEET = GOOD", AND MY BRAIN IS ALL, "GOTTA GET THE LAST BUBBLE, GOTTA GET THE LAST BUBBLE, GOTTA GET THE LAST BUBBLE." SEE BELOW FOR AN IMAGE OF THE WARNING THAT CAME ON MY PLASTIC CUP. THIS IS A CASE FOR INSPECTOR DETECTIVE OBVIOUS. JRW: THIS PLACE IS MY NEW FAVORITE PLACE. IT'S BY MY WORK, AND I'VE ONLY PASSED BY IT LIKE, A TRILLION TIMES. MORE WILL BE WRITTEN ABOUT THIS PLACE, HOPEFULLY IN THE NEAR FUTURE...LIKE NEXT PAYCHECK. THEY'VE GOT LIKE, A TRILLION DRINKS, SMOOTHIES, TEAS, COFFEES...AND YOU CAN GET PEARLS IN ALL OF THEM, FOR LIKE 25 CENTS EXTRA! I HAD A MOCHA, AND IT WAS PRETTY DIVINE. HOWEVER, BE WARNED:TOO MUCH TAPIOCA CAN TOTALLY CRAMP UP YOUR STOMACH FOR LIKE, 10 MINUTES AFTERWARDS. NEXT TIME WE GO, I'LL TRY TO REMEMBER THE NAME. OH, I JUST DID...COCO'S. KJJ: I CANT BELIEVE IT TOOK JRW 4 MONTHS TO PROCURE FOR ME AN AUTHENTIC TEXAS BURRITO! BUT PROCURE HE DID. I WONT SHAME THE REST OF THE WORLD BY EVEN POSTING AN IMAGE OF A BURRITO THAT THEY COULD NEVER POSSIBLEY REPLICATE. A TRUE LADY DOESNT KISS AND TELL. JRW:THE SHACK. USED TO BE THEY ONLY STAYED OPEN UNTIL LIKE 3 IN THE AFTERNOON. THEY HAVE RIDICULOUS BREAKFAST TACOS-VERY HEARTY, YOU ONLY NEED 2. NOW THEY HAVE A LOCATION THAT STAYS OPEN UNTIL 9, AND YOU CAN GO SCORE A 'SHACK BURRRITO' FOR LIKE, 4 BUCKS. PRETTY GOOD, BECAUSE EATING IN AUSTIN IS EXPENSIVE. ANYWAY, 'THE SHACK BURRRITO' WITH TACO MEAT IS WHAT I HAD, HOLD THE SOUR CREaM AND TOMATOES. IT WAS GREAT-THE CHEESE WAS MELTY, THE REFRIED BEANS WEREN'T TOO THICK OR DRY, THE TACO MEAT DIDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT QUESTIONABLE, GRISTLY MATTER IN IT, AND (THE BEST PART) IT DIDN'T FALL APART ON ME. WAY TO GO, TACO SHACK,YOU SUPER-STUD...OH WAIT, WAS I NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THE NAME?

CANADIAN THANKSGIVING

DAMN STRAIGHT. KJJ: LOOK, ITS PRETTY OBVIOUS THAT THIS POST WILL MAKE YOU WEEP WITH ENVY, SO WE'LL JUST CUT TO THE CHASE. FIRST OF ALL, THERE SHOULD BE AN ENTIRE INTERNET DEVOTED TO PORT SALUT CHEESE. NOT JUST AN ENTIRE WEB-PAGE, BUT AN ENTIRE INTERNET. I'M STILL SAD THAT WE ATE IT ALL (JRW: DON'T FRET, WE CAN BUY MORE! THEY TRADE IT AT YE OLDE GROCERY SHOPPE FOR MONEY!). IT IS THE PERFECT COMBINATION OF SOFT BUT SO RICH IN TASTE. SOMETIMES THOSE SOFT CHEESES ARE SO MILD ITS LIKE EATING BUTTER, BUT THIS... THIS PARAGON OF WONDERMENT... CALLED PORT SALUT... IT HAD A LOT OF PERSONALITY. I HAVE NEVER COMBINED CHEESE WITH BEER, BUT 2005 IS ALL ABOUT DOING THINGS DIFFERENTLY, AND DIFFERENT IT WAS. JRW: BEER AND CHEESE WAS GOOD, I CONCUR. PLUS, WE HAD THESE AWSEOME LITTLE SESAME-ISH CRACKERS TO PUT THE CHEESE ON. KJJ: NEXT STOP, BORSCHTVILLE! THE SOUP COURSE WAS OF COURSE THE COURSE THAT SERVED SOUP. AND WHAT A COURSE IT WAS. BORSCHT IS A SPECIAL CREATURE, THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO MAKE IT. SOME LUNATICS PUT BEEF OR BEEF STOCK IN IT, BUT THOSE LUNATICS ARE JUST LUNATICS. ON OCCAISION I HAVE PUT TOMATO, CARROT, AND EVEN POTATO IN BORSCHT. LET US NOT FORGET THE MAIN SQUEEZE, THE MIGHTY FRESH BEET. CHOOSE LITTLE BEETS, NOT THE BIG MUTHAS, CAUSE THE LITTLE GUYS ARE THE ONES PACKED WITH TASTE (THIS IS TRUE WHEN IT COMES TO DATING, AS WELL). ON THIS PARTICULAR EVENING THE BORSCHT TURNED OUT SPLENDIDLY: BEET, RED CABBAGE (COOKED SOFT), DILL (ALAS IT WAS NOT FRESH OUT OF THE GARDEN LIKE THE BORSCHT OF MY LONG PAST CANADIAN YOUTH), DICED TOMATO, HONEY FOR SWEET AND YOGURT FOR SOUR. THE YOGURT AND HONEY ADD TREMENDOUS AWESOMENESS TO THE SOUP, DO NOT WHIMPER IN FEAR AT THE THOUGHT OF YOGURT AND HONEY IN SOUP. JRW: I HATE YOGURT, BUT I THOUGHT IT MADE THE PERFECT ADDITION-MY BORSCHT WAS NEVER SO GOOD AS THIS BORSCHT. AS A MATTER OF FACT, MY BORSCHT IS REALLY YOUR BORSCHT, KJJ-BECAUSE YOU GAVE ME THE RECIPE! KJJ: WE HAD A FEW BREWSKIS, JRW CAN TALK ABOUT THE BEER. THE LABATT BLUE WAS OBVIOUSLY MOTHER SUPERIOR. JRW:OBVIOUSLY IS RIGHT. I KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUTCANADIAN BEER. KJJ TOLD ME IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE STRONGER THAN AMERICAN, BUT ONE TIME WE DRANK SOME IN CANADA AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET A BUZZ. CHEAP CANADIAN BEER TASTES BETTER THAN CHEAP AMERICAN BEER, HOWEVER (EXCEPT MILLER, THE CHAMPAGNE), AND IF I EVER WALK INTO THE H.E.B.(THAT'S YE OLDE GROCERY SHOPPE) AND DECIDE I WANT A SIXER OF CHEAP SUDS, I'D AT LEAST THINK ABOUT LABATT. BUT PROBABLY NOT MOLSON. KJJ: FINALMENT, LES THANKSGIVING DINER. MMM HMMM. CABBAGE ROLLS. CABBAGE SMELLS LIKE FARTS WHEN YOU ARE BOILING IT. I'M JUST SAYIN'. LIKE, IF YOU HAVE GUESTS OVER, DO THAT PART FIRST IN THE MORNING AND AIR THE PLACE OUT (JRW:TRUE DAT). THE ROLLSKIS WERE FILLED WITH RICE, GREEN PEPPER, MUSHROOM AND ONION. THEY WERE PRETTY GOOD, BUT I AM A YOUNG'UN WITH YEARS OF PRACTICE NEEDED TO GET THEM TO THAT PERFECT OLD POLISH / UKRANIAN LADY CALIBER. DUDE, WHAT THE H- YOU CANT GET PEROGIES IN TEXAS. THATS AN F'ING CRIME. CONTINUING ON THE CABBAGE TRAIL OF DEAD, LITTLE BRUSSELS SPROUTS SAUTEED WITH WALNUTS AND BUTTER... SO TASTY, THE GEMS OF THE EVENING. THEN THERE ARE SOME SWEET POTATOES BAKED WITH MAPLE AND HONEY. A NICE SIDE DISH, THAT I PERSONALLY THOUGHT WAS BITCHEN WITH THE VINEGAR & DILL MARINATED CUCUMBER SALAD. THE YIN AND THE YANG. CIRCLE OF LIFE. JRW: THEY WERE SUPERGOOD ROLLS, ALRIGHT. THE BRUSSELS WERE GOOD, BUT THE POTATOES...OH, THE POTATOES. I ALWAYS HATED SWEET POTATOES, BUT NOW I'M THINKING, MAYBE I LIKE THEM AFTER ALL. I DON'T REMEMBER A WHOLE LOT OF THIS PART, BECAUSE I WAS TAKING PICTURES OF KJ, SPRAWLED OUT ON THE FLOOR, TONGUE HANGING FROM HER MOUTH. I THINK HER EYES ROLLED BACK IN HER HEAD AT ONE POINT, UNTIL SHE REALIZED I WAS TAKING PHOTOS OF HER, WHICH SHOULD'VE BEEN EXPECTED. I MEAN, IT WAS FUNNY AND ALL. KJJ: I AM NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE MOST EMBARASSING PART OF THE NIGHT (NO, NOT WHEN I FORCED US TO REMOVE OUR HATS AND SING THE CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM)-- I COULDNT EVEN FINISH A CABBAGE ROLL! THEY WERE SO ENORMOUS. I FELL ON THE FLOOR AND DANCED LIKE A WET NOODLE I WAS THAT FULL (JRW: YEAH, AND I TOOK PHOTOS, REMEMBER?)! FUNNY, I STILL HAD ROOM FOR DESSERT- PUNKIN' PIE! JRW: PUMPKING PIE. KING OF PIES. LOOK, IT'S LIKE THIS. WE GET TO CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING TWICE. THAT'S PRETTY GREAT IF YOU LIKE FOOD.

SUNDAY OF CHAMPIONS

HI THERE. WE ARE DEVOTED CULINARY ADVENTURERS. WE DROVE TO A BBQ FESTIVAL. THATS RIGHT, WE LIVE IN TEXAS AND WE WENT TO A BBQ FESTIVAL. BEER AND BRISKET. WHAT HAPPENED TO... THE GIRL THAT I ONCE KNEW...? HINDU VEGAN OPTIONS? HUH? WHAT? SPICY SAUSAGES, PULLED PORK AND BRISKET. DID WE EVEN PAY? (JRW STEPS IN) WE HAVE GREAT FRIENDS, FOR REALS. THEY TAKE US TO EAT LIKE, THE BEST BBQ YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR ENTIRE MORTAL LIFE, REMEMBER COOPER'S, KJ? THAT WAS WIKKED. BUT SO WAS THIS. BEST BRISKET I'VE EVER HAD (SORRY GRANDMA). KJ MADE ME WEAR A TSHIRT WITH AN IMAGE OF A SMILING LUNATIC PIG DISEMBOWLING ITSELF, PERFECT FOR THE DAY. SHE WAS A CHAMP, AND SMART, TOO. SHE STOOD IN THE SHADE WHILE WE WAITED IN THE SUN, LINED UP FOR 30 MINUTES FOR A LITTLE PLATE OF TEXAS HEAVEN. I KNOW, WE SAY WE'RE GONNA STOP EATING ALL THIS MEAT, BUT IT'S SO GOOD... JRW MADE TOASTED CHEESE SANDWICHES AND VERY OXIDIZED APPLE SLICES FOR ME FOR DINNER. (JRW AGAIN) THE BREAD WAS TOASTED PERFECTLY, THE CHEDDAR MELTED JUST TO THE POINT WHERE IT BECOMES LIKE A SLOW-MOVING, SWEATY LAVA, SOFT AND SQUISHY, BUT NOT QUITE OOZING OUT OF THE SIDES...THAT PHOTO OF THE APPLES IS MISLEADING, BECAUSE ALTHOUGH THEY WERE A LITTLE BROWN FROM BEING OUT ON THE COUNTER WHILE THE AWESOME SANDWICHES TOASTED, THEY WERE FUJI APPLES, SO THEY WERE SUPREMELY DELISH. AND MY LIMEADE WAS PRETTY AWESOME AS WELL. RESPECKONIZE.

SPINACH & SWEET POTATO SALAD

YA GOT YER SPINACH, YA GOT YER TORTILLIA CHIPPIES, YA GOT YOUR ROASTED MUSHROOMS AND SWEET POTATOES, YA GOT YOUR CORN'N'SALSA DRESSING, AND FINALLY, YA GOT YER GOAT CHEESE. KJ: "TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS SALAD" JW: "ONE SECOND"...(PUTS ON DISCO RECORD)...UMM THE REAL TREAT WAS GETTING THE SWEET POTATO, CHEESE, LEMON- I MEAN LETTUCE, CHIP IN ONE BITE WITHOUT GETTING IT ALL OVER YOUR FINGERS." KJ: "THATS INTERESTING BECAUSE IT WASNT LETTUCE, IT WAS SPINACH." JW: (LAUGHS) "THIS WASNT THE SONG THAT I MEANT TO PUT ON. OH BUT THIS PART IS GOOD. CAUSE SHE BASICALLY HAS..." KJ: "HAS WHAT?" JW: "SHE JUST STARTS MOANING." KJ: "THIS SALAD TALK IS GOING NOWHERE. THE WINE WAS GREAT." JW: "THE WINE WAS ABSOLUTELY GOING GREAT. BARROCCO." KJ: "WHERE IS IT FROM?" JW: "ITS ITALIAN." KJ: "HOW MUCH WAS IT?" JW: "UHHH $6.99." KJ: "I HAVE TO MENTION THIS WAS A MARTHA STEWART RECIPE." THE END.

MORROCCAN FEAST

TURMERIC SPICED EGGPLANT & GARBANZO BEANS SERVED OVER COUSCOUS! WITH WARM APRICOT AND WALNUT COMPOTE SERVED OVER PEARS! MY TOP 5 FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT THIS MEAL: 1. THE RAISINS IN THE EGGPLANT DISH SET OFF THE GARLIC AND TURMERIC - YUMMERS! 2. THE COUSCOUS ABSORBED THE TOMATO-BASED SAUCE - YUMMERS! 3. THIS MEAL WAS TOTALLY VEGETARIAN (VEGAN, IN FACT) NO GUILT - YUMMERS! 4. WARM APRICOT COMPOTE WAS EASY TO MAKE, ONCE THE HONEY, LEMON AND ORANGE SAUCE REDUCED IT WAS NOT TOO SWEET, NOT TOO SOUR - YUMMERS! 5. NICE BRIGHT COLORS AND ALL THE VEGETABLES KEPT THEIR SHAPE - NOT TOO SOGGY - YUMMERS!

EPIC MISO SOUP & THE LEGEND OF CRAB SALAD

LETS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. THE FOOD BUSINESS, THAT IS! HERE IS THE TALE OF THE LEGEND OF THE REVENGE OF THE HEALTHIEST SOUP WE'VE HAD IN A THOUSAND YEARS. THIS IS WHAT GOES IN: DRIED WAKAME SEAWEED. THE WEED OF THE SEA. THE OLE' WAKAME. THE MIGHTY WAKAME. IT STARTS OF TINY AND GROWS TO MECHANICAL PROPORTIONS. IN FACT, IT WILL LOOK A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS! DRIED MUSHROOMS. DON'T BE FOOLISH AND TRY TO BUY THESE ANYWHERE OTHER THAN A LOCALLY OPERATED ORIENTAL GROCERY. FOR ONE, EXPLORING THOSE GROCERIES RULES IMMENSELY. FOR TWO, THEY ARE NOT EXPENSIVE. I BELIEVE THE PRICE TAG ON THESE BAD BOYS WAS $2.99. WHEN SOAKED IN WATER FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES, THEY TURN INTO THIS (PHOTO BELOW). SWEAR TO ME YOU WILL NOT DISCARD THE WATER THEY SOAKED IN. SWEAR IT! BECAUSE THAT WATER IS PURE FLAVOR. OR AS THEY SAY IN MY HOME COUNTRY, "FLAVOUR". NEXT THE HOLY TRINITY OF ONIONS, GARLIC AND GINGER. LOOK AT HOW BEAUTIFUL THEY ARE: THE FINAL TOUCH AT THE END OF COOKING IS MISO PASTE. MAKE SURE IT IS STIRRED IN BY A HANDSOME MAN, OR THE SOUP WILL NOT TASTE AS GOOD. I WAS SURPRISED THAT, DESPITE THESE POWERFUL INGREDIENTS, INCLUDING RICE VINEGAR AND SOY SAUCE, THE SOUP ALSO NEEDED SOME VEGETABLE BROTH. FOOD MUST HAVE BEEN SO BLAND IN THE OLDEN TYMES WHEN MAN AND WOMAN DID NOT HAVE YE OLDE SOUP BROTH CUBES AT THE READY. THUS THEIR SOUP DID NOT TURN INTO THIS: ALSO, AND THIS IS REALLY WEIRD, WE PUT TOGETHER A CRAB SALAD WITH YOGURT, GARLIC AND BASIL DRESSING. A STRANGE DISH TO SIT BESIDE THE SOUP, BUT YUMMY NONE THE LESS.