TASTE THE F**KING DEFEAT

KJJ: Thats right, the Stanley cup left its rightful home of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and hitched a misguided ride of sorrow to Carolina. Yeah, sure, I'm posting this late. But whatevers. It still stings. How do you add to the awfulness? Well, I shall tell you. By eating a bitter, bitter stir-fry. And getting hot chili pepper in your eye. And getting attacked by chiggers. Like seriously attacked. I read this really weird yet sort of fascinatingly interesting interview with Jack Nicholson in a 1971 Playboy the other night. I'm just putting that out there. Neither the Stanley Cup nor Jack Nicholson 1971 have much to do with this stir fry. So, how are things with you?

AVOCADO BEAN PASTA whatever.....

KJJ: Bet you thought we had died from a heart-attack due to our last meal post below. ha ha ha ha ha YEAH RIGHT! As you can see, from the photograph above, we mixed black beans, corn, avocados, cherry tomatoes and some other junk into a pasta salad. Southwestern, bitches!

WHITE TRASH POLISH SOCCER FEVER CITY OF CHAMPIONS WEENIES AND BEANS

KJJ: Betcha thought because of the slow updates we've been on a diet or havent eaten in the last few days. HA HA HA HA --- YEAH RIGHT.

SUNDAY DINNER AND DESSERT

KJJ: We put those juicy flank steak pieces on a Thai-esque / Teriyaki salad of my own invention. It had cashews, minced carrots and napa gabbage as its fundamentals. Is this where I mention it was awesome? Because it was. The raspberries are dessert. Is this where I tell you that the barbershop butchered my husbands long black "Medellin Cartel" locks? Because they f'ing did!!!! They scalped him BAD. I mean, he's a babe so he still looks fine. But these last couple of days have been rough, dudes. (See post below regarding toxic gas). I guess if you go for a walk around your neighbourhood and find a creepy faux tarot card that says "FAILURE" on it.... dont push your luck and get your hair cut an hour later! Oh well, Edmonton is going to win the Stanley Cup so things will work out. Right? RIGHT, EDMONTON??? You're going to win. I am simply enraged with this common sense plan for you to win the Stanley Cup.

FRITTATA TRAGEDY OF MECHANICAL PROPORTIONS

KJJ: Well this sucked. I created a magnificent Mexican black bean frittata... when disaster struck. Seems the new (ALL METAL) pan I used was not oven safe. The paint coating on the (all metal) handle realized a shiteous toxic gas. Life is f**king cruel sometimes, you feel me? All that work and all those ingredients down the drain. We had to air out the apartment and go for a walk. How's that for hard luck? Buncha gassed out losers is what we were. For dinner we split a coke that we bought at the gas station because I only had a buck fifty on me.

THE LONG GOOD EDAMAME AND STIR FRI-DAY

KJJ: Hello. This is an udon and snow-pea stir fry with edamame. I cant remember when we ate this, and theres not really much to say about it. In these times of Texas apartment heat, you gotta cook fast. No time for baking or slow-cooking. Just heat the noodles, quickly stir fry / steam the vegetables and be done with it. So instead of speaking further with regard to mundane stir-fry, let me instead tell you about The Long Good Friday starring Bob Hoskins and Helen Mirren. We watched it (possibley while eating this, I have no idea, my short term memory is a question mark) and loved it. The dudes are bad-ass and London in the late 70s is a trip. I was very overcome with emotion everytime they showed the characters driving around in the black Jaguar XJ6 - the same colour and model I used to drive. *Sniff* *Sniff*. When I watch movies like this one, I get a huge kick out of the styles and I will be stealing Helen Mirren's hairdo ASAP. Bob Hoskin's character owns a pub and that also brought back some great memories of hanging out at the pub. Like, a real authentic English pub. I used to go the Ship & Anchor. During its prime years you'd see the ska dudes in suits, skinheads, punkers, the old British drunks, soccer teams, the younger skaters and bike couriers. What a super joint. I remember all the nights we'd stumble home, stopping at 7-11 for "banger chips" aka nacho chips and velveeta cheese and sit in the alley or on the curb eating them. We'd be frozen popsicles when we got home. In the winter that was always the excuse for drinking so much. We'd have to have enough to not feel the cold. Ahh memories. Le sigh. There were lots of disasterous nights too, ending in fights or crawling home on your hands and knees on the ice and snow. I guess I can't get too sentimental. Hey wait? The movie! Yeah, ummm... I specifically want to mention the ABSURDLY AWESOME soundtrack by Francis Monkman. If you are wanting to go "beyond Moroder" check-check-check it! I did a little research and Francis Monkman was this monster of harpsichord, classically trained, the whole nine yards. Worked in the realms of bizzarro French electronic operas and shit - stuff that is just straight up weird - but this soundtrack is dynomite! PS Check the cameo by a very young Pierce Brosnan. I've been listening to Bronski Beat ever since watching the swimming pool scene!

DONT TRY THIS AT HOME AND DONT SIT NEXT TO ME

KJJ: This is what our breath looked like after we ate a "Barley Onion Garlic Onion Onion Tabbouli w/ Onion and Garlic Tabbouli". Sure there were other ingredients, like soothing LEMON JUICE... but oddly they didnt mask the mighty mighty power. It burned. JRW made it. He'll corrupt your world.

HOMESLICE PIZZA MOJITO ULTRA-VENGEANCE

KJJ: Mojito's ruined us last night. It got to a point where I was making my OWN drinks (never a good thing). The last concoction I created was vodka, Canada Dry, a topper of cranberry juice and mojito remnants (a sludge of highly flammable limes and garden mint). What a catastrophe. JRW went down for the count after SUPPOSEDLY committing to being the designated driver. (Dont worry, we had some sober friends drive us home. We aint goin' out like that). Its been a while since I punished myself with alcohol like that. What is the cure for the resulting pain? There is none. There is only therapy. Here is what I did. Phase One WATER TAMALE HOUSE (2 egg and cheese breakfast tacos) WATCH THE FRENCH OPEN FOR 3 HOURS Phase Two WARM BATH EXTRA STRENGTH TYLENOL REGRET & EMBARASSMENT COFFEE Phase Three MEET FRIENDS, SIT IN THE SUN, SWEAT IT OUT ICED TURBO COFFEE Phase Four (4pm) HOMESLICE ARTICHOKE AND MUSHROOM PIZZA Lets talk about Homeslice Pizza. Its got great atmosphere. The staff are friendly. Sit at the bar and watch the kitchen dudes and dudettes make the pie. Its like watching a pleasant movie. The star character this time was someone named Ray. We dont know the story, but from our detective work he seemed to be an older, wiser Pizza Wizard brought to Homeslice to assist and educate. I could be wildly wrong. Ray wore a denim chef's shirt with a LARGE GOLDEN MEDALLION over his semi-exposed chest. He politely re-arranged the kitchen set-up, but worked with seriousness as he pounded the dough and spun the soft discs above his head- crafting a magical pizza spell. Ray KNEW what he was doing. After we boxed up the remains of our meal, he dissappeared in a puff of smoke! PS There seems to be somesort of moustache homage happening at Homeslice which was really funny and kind of weird since JRW has an INTENSE curled moustache happening at the moment. In our hungover state it was a little David Lynch-esque to walk in there and see all the moustache imagery. Kind of like walking into your bathroom and seeing a stranger brushing their teeth. PPS Our comments seem to be working again! PPSS I just noticed Homeslice Pizza is closed on Tuesdays! This seems noteworthy and I'd hate for someone to venture there on a TUESDAY based on our endorsement and then be like "what the hell, bro?!"

SO ANGRY!

Yep. I just found out our damn hell comments don't work! Damn hell!

WONDEROUS SALAD

WARM LENTIL VEGETABLE SALAD WITH FETA, DRIED CURRANTS AND DILL 3 cups water 1 cup brown lentils, picked over (to remove pebbles) 2 large carrots, peeled and sliced into coins 2 large parsnips, peeled and sliced into coins 1/2 cup minced red onion, divided 1/2 cup dried craisins (wtf is a craisin?) 2 large beets, peeled and diced 1 cup rice wine vinegar 1/3 cup chopped fresh dill 3 tablespoons sugar 2 cloves garlic, minced 2 teaspoons olive oil Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste 12 cups cleaned mesclun lettuce 4 ounces feta cheese, crumbled (about 1/2 cup) //Combine water, lentils, carrots, parsnips and 1/4 cup onion in a large saucepan. Bring just to a boil. Reduce heat to low and partially cover; simmer 15 minutes, or until lentils and vegetables are tender. Drain; transfer to salad bowl. Toss with remaining onion and currants. //Steam beets for 10 minutes. Let cool. //Combine vinegar, dill, sugar and garlic in a small bowl. Whisk until sugar is dissolved. Whisk in oil. Pour 2/3 of dressing over lentil mixture and toss to combine. Add salt and pepper. //Divide mesclun among six large plates. Drizzle with an equal portion of remaining dressing. Top with an equal portion of warm lentil mixture, beets and feta cheese. KJJ: This recipe is from a magazine. It was a wild and wonderous combination of flavours. I havent eaten parsnips since I was as little as a bouncing bean and my dad made me pick them out of the back garden. JRW had an ass kickin' time making this with me because it involved so much CUTTING and he wanted to use his new knives. The amounts above serve 6. We divided in half and had much more than enough for 2 people. So the measurements are sort of jacked up. USE YOUR EYEBALLS is what I always say. Warning: This salad, if the lentils are even slightly undercooked, will bring a code 11 level of gaseousness, you dig what I'm saying?

WHAT THE VEGGIE BURGER?

KJJ: Veggie Burgers are weird. Lets just be honest. They're infinitely better than sucking down a cow patty - but still... they're always a bit of a question mark. Environmentally, most of them seem pretty tragic with their multiple plastic packages and cardboard boxes... strange pre-formed processed disks... Harumph. Good corn on the cob though!

LADIES AND GERMS WE HAVE A WEINER!

For many reasons I have no choice but to award a chap named Omar the winning caption prize. His caption references sasquatch. Thats about all I need.

"Find... my brother... the one I left behind... He's underneath... Sasquatch's penis... and to the left... fiiiiiind him! (Wheeze.)"

Omar wins a nice shiny new deck of cards with original illustrations by some of the world's top poster designers! Yay! (JRW designed the King of Diamonds, shown below). And now... we will smash open the coconut that started this madness and feast on his meaty brains.