Monday, April 24, 2006


KJJ: So there I was, huddled in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, quietly weeping as usual, when I said to myself... hmmm I could really go for some home-made potato salmon cakes. I wiped the crusted drool from my chin, lifted myself off the tile floor, lit up a smoke and set to work. First I boiled the potatoes for mashing. The way to mash potatoes really well is to summon your inner Indian warrior or "spirit animal" and imagine that inner warrior or spirit animal mashing potatoes, except they'd mash them really, really well, and there would be fog and mists and maybe a unicorn off in the distance. You use that energy to enhance your own Earth-bound mashing technique. Then, you open a tin can of salmon, only you do it the way MERLIN would do it, with a f**king sword or maybe with his mind, in reverse time-travel. But what I'm thinking here is, if you were Merlin you wouldnt need a sword to open a tin-can of salmon, it would probably come pretty naturally. I'm getting way ahead of myself. You are going to need to mix your mashed potatoes and salmon with a little mayo, salt and pepper and lots of green onions. Then you are going to need to turn of The Carol Burnett Show, stamp out that cigarette on the kitchen floor, pull your baggy pantyhose up, put down your rye and coke, and really focus. Form the mixture into little patties, dust with flour, coat with a beaten egg, and dip in bread crumbs. Thems your fryin' fixins. Heat up some oil in a frying pan, watch out for the hot popping oil splattering all over your wretchedly out of style polyester dress, extinguish the small fires making smoking black holes all over your clothing, better yet take the dress off, or put an apron on, and get back to the idea we talked about earlier of your spirit animal. Mine is a bear. So, like, I think of a f**king GRIZZLY BEAR frying the s**t out of these salmon cakes. Or maybe the salmon cakes would be jumping upstream in a creek and the grizzly bear would just be catching them in his paw and eating them right there. I dunno.