TACO WAR PREMONITIONS AND COCONUT-FACE REMINDER

KJJ: Recently in the Austin chronicle, a small article of some interest appeared that most people probably bypassed, but of which I took GREAT note. Apparently, El Dorado Meat Market (located next to Tamale House) is going to start selling tacos. This put a knot in Tamale House's undies and it somehow made news. Personally, I think that to be where your competition is, is essentially good business. But the main reason I am interested in documenting these developing taco wars is... we can almost watch them from our living room window. Thats right, we live a hop-skip-and train track-jump away from the impending battle zone. And I got a jar full of quarters ready to spend on my breakfast tacos. For those that arent from the Tex-zone, a breakfast taco is a mild, unassuming creature, usually valued at approximately 80 cents. They dont seem like much, but they will go DOWN for a comrade (you, the eater) and sacrifice themselves to save you from crushing hangovers, morning hunger, or sometimes even mid-morning hunger. Tamale House as recently as Saturday morning saved my life. KJJ: Lets talk about the Taco wars. JRW: My main concern is that I hope I don't get wounded eating all those tacos. KJJ: What do you foresee happening? JRW: I think Tamale house will have to reduce their price again and it will be just like 1992 and every crusty punk and heroin junky could eat there really cheap for pocket change. Thus the legacy of Tamale house will prevail. I dont think El Dorado stands a chance. I've been in there, I've seen the conditions. I think their generals are disorganized. KJJ: Lets back up a minute. El Dorado is way more organized! They're all neat and tidy inside... JRW: They look good on the surface, but I got bad vibes from El Dorado. KJJ: You're just talking to make your mouth move. JRW: They were all oogling some 16 year old girl, it was totally creepy. KJJ: Don't you think that people will be interested in trying something new? JRW: Its going to be hard to get people to veer away from Tamale House. El Dorado is going to have to have an incredible taco. KJJ: I can tell you one thing, that parking lot is going to be a clusterfuck. JRW: That parking lot is already a clusterfuck... Whoever has the cheapest tacos is going to win the war. KJJ: You know who I think is going to win? Whoever opens on Sunday. One of them needs to say, screw you Jesus, I am not going to church today. JRW: Whoever the pagan is, wins. KJJ: Whoever the cheapest pagan is, wins. __________________________________________ On another note, I would also like to remind readers that the picture of the coconut that showed up in our fridge still needs a caption. Look at it, all needy needy needy... Please email apartmenthobos at hotmail.com with your caption. There will be an awesome prize and when I say awesome prize, I am as serious as the Berlin Wall. I will announce the winning caption on June 1st.

I'M BACK.

JRW: Hola blog, it's been a long time since I rappped at ya. I've been so busy lately, with the Festiva and all, I MEAN, FESTIVITIES. You see, it was my birthday last week. I know what you're thinking, why did my birthday prevent me from writing you in 3 weeks? Well, dude, you know, things just HAPPEN. Life, sometimes it just gets in the way-you get up in the morning, go to work all day, and you're like, "yeah, I could probably write the blog, but let me just check craigslist real quick and see if anyone's selling any scooters. Oh SNAP, an Ensoniq EPS, for $125? Dang, I need to scoop that up! Let me just check my bank account and see how muh I have left...Oh man, did I pay the phoen bill?". Yeah, you know how it is. And then, it was my birthday, and man, I've been ROYALLY distracted because I scored so many wicked goodies, and had such a great party thrown for me by my sweet ol' lady...did I tell you I scored some new knives? HELLS YEAH. Henckels. Damn right, they feel good, cut good, and look good (I know it should be cut WELL, but I'm taking my poetic license, YO). I also got some bamboo cutting boards, a 3 cup espresso maker (since I spaced out and torched KJJ's and melted the handle), and this yellow skillet-it's like Elle Decor come the life in my house. So, yeah. I've been a little preoccupied. I'm really, really sorry. For real. So. Are we straight? Cool. check the sandwich I made to be the counterpart to KJJ's "The Martha". It's a tiny little morsel, powerful because it is jammed with flavor. Here's the outline: 10 grain bread (it's like a kung fu move), 3 slices of cucumber, horseradish, spicy dijon and 2 pieces of Knight's Vale cheese. I spared myself the mystical healing powers of kimchee, so I quite pleasantly mine. It's also only about 3 inches from end to end. Therefore, it has come to ber known as "The Liliputian".

NEW SANDWICH CREATED: "THE MARTHA"

KJJ: You know what I say? I say f**k celebrity worship. Sure, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt squeezed out a new human this weekend. Does that take talent? Not really. What takes real talent is creating a new sandwich. This one is called "The Martha". I have dedicated it to my mom, who is also named Martha. Martha has put up with a lot of my crazy shit over the years. Like the time she went on vacation and came home to everything in the house labelled. Or all those times I drew monster faces on the eggs and oranges. Or that time I borrowed $8,000 for art school. Or that time I moved 2,000 miles away to Texas. Well lady- its payback time. Not in the form of $8,000-- but in the form of a sandwich only my mother could love. This was one sweat-inducing indulgence. It was so mean yet so delicious it made my temples perspire. Here are the gruesome details: -"Rubshlager RYE-OLA" black rye bread (the Ayatollah of Rye-Ola!) -Horseradish -Mustard -Spicy sprouts -Knight's Vale cheese -Pat of mayo -REAL tomatoes- not the sad, tasteless cardboard grocery store tomatoes -and the kicker: a side of KIM-CHEE By the end of eating this sandwich I was on my knees whimpering "you win!... YOU WIN!" Only the creamy, disgustingly pungent Knight's Vale cheese added any sort of humility to this bold, bold sandwich. Did you know that the Koreans are investigating Kim Chee as a means of preventing bird flu? The theory is that kim chee properties could be integrated into household air filters. I dunno about killing bird flu viruses, but this kim chee certainly broke up any internal psychological stagnation within me. Here's an approximation of my facial expressions as worked my way through the horseradish, mustard and kim chee. If I had added even a dill pickle to this monstrosity, I surely would have puckered up and imploded. Kim chee is magick.

CAPTION ME CONTEST

KJJ: Here is a picture of the coconut that lives in our fridge. It just showed up one day, and we don't know what its problem is. Can you think of a good caption for this photo? If so, please email apartmenthobos at hotmail.com There will be an awesome prize. We are entirely serious. I will announce the winning caption on June 1st.

NEW BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE

KJJ: Great news bitches, we have two new friends who said amazing, beautiful, honest, radical things about our blog. THIS is why we continue to do this stupid thing. For the little guys. The little guys who are the same as us. Equal. Equal little guys. Who made us laugh our ass off. And ......now we're linked forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever... First: Domestic Goodies. Has a review of Apartment Food Hobos ever made us laugh as hard? I. Think. Not. Second: Mixing Memory: A Blog I Found and a Question . Guys, I dont want to alarm you.... but I think this person could be a real live genius. Most likely the smartest person who ever linked to Apartment Food Hobos. For real.

SUPREME ASIAN GRAINS MY LOVELIES

KJJ: This salad is boss. I f**king kid you not, I am simply enraged with passion over this common sense plan for a salad. //1 15 oz can chickpeas, drained, rinsed // 1 med cucumber, chopped //1 sweet red pepper //2 ears fresh corn, boiled and cooled (stick in the freezer for a min) //3 tbsp hoisin sauce. thats right, hoisin. you didnt see that coming, did you? //2 tbsp soy sauce //1/2 tsp garlic chili paste Its Asian influenced. What an unusual mixture of flavours. I'd like to leave you with this endorsement that I received in a spam email today. I think it sums up my attitude towards this dish: "%TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT %TRYIT"

BIRTHDAY BONANZA STILL LIFE!

BIRTHDAY STILL LIFE WITH VINTAGE SHEEPDOG, VINTAGE PLAYBOYS and VINTAGE STILTON CHEESE KJJ: That's right, it is JRW's birthday today and we have been busy being spoiled goofballs all weekend. It seems like we are funnier, happier and laugh harder at stupid jokes on birthdays. It is a thing of beauty. Everyone, once in a while, should start of their day eating chocolate cheesecake in bed! And end their day eating stilton with an asian pear - goddammit that was good! We've been having fun my precious peeps. Stay golden, keep the vibe alive, life's a garden - dig it, and get busy living or get busy dying. HUZZAH!

I AM CURIOUS YELLOW SALMON SANDWICH

SMOKED SALMON AND CREAMCHEESE SANDWICH WITH ITALIAN VINAIGRETTETTEETTE ON WALNUT BREAD, OLIVES, AND KNIGHTS VALE CHEESE KJJ: The Knight's Vale cheese stank up my life and won my heart. God almighty. A finer cheese I have rarely tasted. Soft and creamy but as pungent as the old dirty foot of a Hungarian gypsy trapped in the South of Spain during WWII. Speaking of pungent, lets talk about smoked salmon. You take a stinky, stinky fish like salmon (--good stinky, I aint hatin') and you increase the stink with the addition of smokeifying. Then you sell it to me for 10 bucks? AHA HA HA HA!! GENIUS!!!

WHY TRY THAI APARTMENT SALAD?

KJJ: I had to upload some positive energy into our living sphere, so I made this "salad". The dressing (pictured above) was mouth watering. Here are the details: //flank steak 1/2 lb - season with salt and pepper and broil for about 7 mins each side //napa aka chinese cabbage - shred up a pile of that //mint, fresh //cilantro, fresh //1-2 cups carrots, shredded or massacred in the food processor //scallions, about 5 - diced dressing: //orange juice or orange juice concentrate - about 1/4 cup //fresh squeezed lime juice - i used the juice of 3 or 4 limes //1 tbspn or to taste of diced or grated jalapeno //brown sugar, a couple tablespoons to taste //combine, serve with tropical fruit, this time we sampled something called a "BANANA"... JRW: I hear those things are close to extinction. That's just what I hear.

KERBEY PAIN

KJJ: Just had the world's crummiest brunch at Kerbey Lane. The usually satisfying experience of eating there was backed over by a pick-up truck of dissapointment, sadness, and regret. This is time we're never going to get back, my homies. My time is precious, not Kerbey Lane's time. My time. This is my time. It does not take an hour for the runniest eggs ever to be made and brought to our table. I know it doesnt. No explanation our courtesy was extended. Here's what happened: 11:30 - JRW and I order. He has your usual breakfast platter. I have salmon tacos. 12:00 - After like 1/2 a painful hungover hour we see people that sat down after us getting their food. 12:05 - Our waitress remains silent and unavailable. We remain the only table without food. I start seeing pixies dancing in front of me due to hunger. I can't shake my hangover until I eat. 12:10 - Our food arrives. How long does it take to fry an egg? 12:12 - JRW's eggs disintegrate into the runniest mess of yolk I've ever seen. We are gripped by confusion. Send them back and risk another 20 minute wait? My plate comes without salsa our salad dressing. 12:15 - JRW sends eggs back. Our waitress exchanges his plate for a smaller one whereupon his pancakes and bacon sit, lonesome. Apparently he is now obliged to eat his breakfast in shifts. This part was the saddest. Everyone else was chowing on their nice, festive breakfast platters. JRW had a small, blank plate with two pancakes. JRW deserves better. JRW does not deserve a breakfast shaming. At the very least he deserved an apology or acknowledgement from the waitress. 12:17 - The eggs return. We calculate it only took 2 or 3 minutes this time - why'd it take so long before? These are questions I need answered. I'm thinking when the FBI is done raiding the CIA, they can send their swat teams into the kitchen of Kerbey Lane. Hey dudes, we're not assholes and we're not picky people, and we feel the pain of our brothers and sisters working in busy restaurants. But c'mon... We've been workin' hard for our money too. The good stuff: our orange juice was fan-fucking-tastic, like the best we've ever had. And the kick-ass impromptu bike gang that rolled up gave us the sweat and shakes of jealous inspiration. Peace out peeps. -KJJ

2006: A SNAKE ODYSSEY

KJJ: Last night we took a nature walk and almost got gnarlified by a 4 foot (at least!!) snake! I don't want to alarm you, but it could have been curtains for us hobos. Fortunately we shot straight up in the air and hauled ass like Mach 6 outta the area where the snake was coiled. And then, for dinner I ate a piece of peach pie from H-E-B, a carrot, and the remnants of some taco chips!

THIS JUST IN!

A GANG of anarchist Robin Hood-style thieves, who dress as superheroes and steal expensive food from exclusive restaurants and delicatessens to give to the poor, are being hunted by police in the German city of Hamburg.

DIJON CHICKEN MUSTARDPIECE

KJJ: You see that? Thats the triumph of JRW putting a cookbook to use. This is so redonkulously simple that I will punish you if you dont make it for yourself by the end of this week. Chicken breast? You know where to find them. Dijon mustard? You've got it in your fridge right now, don't lie. Mayonnaise? Make sure its not expired or this dish WILL punish you before the end of this week. You need fresh. Fresh freshness. Put it all together in a tinfoil envelope and bake at 400 for say 20 mins depending on the POWER of your oven. It will smell tasty when its ready. Voila - you have created a mustardpiece to serve to your significant lover whilst you exchange notes on the progress of nuclear war with Iran. KJJ: Goddammit, so many wonderful things are happening here. I am like the proverbial intellectual smoking cat, taking a break with a cigarette, to "digest" (HAW HAW HAW) the pure awesomeness of the Austin Outsider interviewing us for the Austin Outsider blog spotlight. It makes me want to take off my shirt and light it on fire in direct view of a cop, just to tempt fate's good fortune. P.S. Have you losers ever been to Avenue B Groceries? They sell sandwiches there. Of course you've been there, its only the COOLEST sandwich place, like, ever, right? The buzz on the street a.k.a. my row of cubicles is that the owner is a little loco. He's got the touch a.k.a. maybe bi-polar? Maybe a little antagonistic towards his patrons? Maybe hires too many cute young girls, mmmm? Mmmm? Thats when you gotta step up and just say "shut up gimme my sandwich" and if you want to take my advice the "Queen B" sannywich is really decent, nice touch of the jalapenos. Two sandwiches, two ginger ales, and a bag of chips approx $15. This is the kind of place you go and take a picture and send it back to your mom or friend who doesn't live in Austin and you're like - "look, its so REAL, its so UNIQUE, I totally live somewhere VALID." And there you have it.

APARTMENT FUN HOBOS

OMG OMG OMG CLICK ON THE PICTURE ABOVE STAND WAY FAR AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE MYSTERY MEAL RFLMAO WTF WTF 2 KRAZY 2 B PHO GOTTEN!!!!!!

DEPT. OF SALMON WITH GINGER ORANGE BUTTER AFFAIRS

KJJ: You take a salmon, cover with a bit of olive oil and BROIL. You also take 1/4 cup butter, a chunk of ginger, and half an orange and you ANNIHILATE in the food processor. That sir is your orange butter. Apply it to the broiled salmon and then ABOLISH it. That thing that looks like a cigar is 1 of a set of 4 dolmades aka grape leaves stuffed with RICE. Are you paying attention? Spit out that gum. No chewing gum in class. I will not tolerate insubordination. I didnt travel from 3,000 years into the future to learn you about apartment eating only to have you doodling in your notebook or making notches with a pocket knife onto your cubicle desk. I travelled here to set-up this covert "blog" and become a generational cliche so we could all have something in which to BELIEVE. You hear that? My life has meaning. This blog has meaning. ......*whimper*....

SPAGHETTI AI PISELLE E PANNA

Spaghetti with Peas and Cream - from "La Bella Cucina" by Mimmetta Lo Monte //10 oz peas, frozen //1 onion, small, cut into tiny pieces //ham, 1/2 pound, danish or other cooked ham, lean, sliced into little pieces //olive oil, 1/4 cup //butter, 1 tbsp //cream 1/4 to 1/3 cup, heavy //difribulator to resuscitate you after your inevitable heart attack //sour cream, 3/4 to 1 cup //salt to taste //pepper, freshly ground //pasta, 18 oz spaghetti - i used spinach whole wheat in a lame attempt to make this meal "healthy" //cook oil, butter, and onion in a skillet until aromatic, translucent. on high heat add 1/2 cup water and bring to a boil. add frozen peas, cover, cook a few minutes over med heat. loosen the peas with a fork, making sure that the water level barely covers peas. keep the lid on and cook over low heat about five minutes or until peas are tender but still have a bright-green color. //stir in heavy cream and sour cream. add ham and cook a few more minutes. turn heat off, add some pepper and salt if necessary. i added sugar and garlic powder. add cream if you want a thinner sauce. i cheated and added cornstarch to thicken it a bit. KJJ: This is pure comfort food. The weird part was listening to 2 Live Crew while I cooked it.

OUR DIET IS LIKE AN AVANTI II

JRW: It is. It's somehow exotic enough, but underneath, it's a total bonafide classic. Actually, I don't know what that's supposed to mean, I just wanted to show my obsession for the day. "What the hell, bro?, this is SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT WHAT TWO HUMANS EAT", you say. Well, maybe so, but it's our blog, and if I want to bend the rules to show you a wicked old car, I can do that-because this is America, land of the free, home of the ADD-addled, and if I can't keep focused enough to talk about totally awesome culinary delights and I all of a sudden have to show you this totally sweet car I want, even though by the time I find one and can afford it, WW III will have already made automobiles obsolete, and we'll be living under tarps, wearing tattered scraps of burlap and eating charred mutated possum, and we won't writing about it because computers will be a thing of the PAST, well you know, I can totally do that. I can also tell you that all the horse holding you've been doing is about to pay off in a most grandiose fashion, because we have tons (ok, maybe just 2) updates brewing, and a whole weeks worth of wonderful meals planned. Plus, we got some cheese to discuss. So there. Now, I need another cup of coffee. GARÇON!