Sunday, May 28, 2006


KJJ: You know what I say? I say f**k celebrity worship. Sure, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt squeezed out a new human this weekend. Does that take talent? Not really. What takes real talent is creating a new sandwich. This one is called "The Martha". I have dedicated it to my mom, who is also named Martha. Martha has put up with a lot of my crazy shit over the years. Like the time she went on vacation and came home to everything in the house labelled. Or all those times I drew monster faces on the eggs and oranges. Or that time I borrowed $8,000 for art school. Or that time I moved 2,000 miles away to Texas. Well lady- its payback time. Not in the form of $8,000-- but in the form of a sandwich only my mother could love. This was one sweat-inducing indulgence. It was so mean yet so delicious it made my temples perspire. Here are the gruesome details: -"Rubshlager RYE-OLA" black rye bread (the Ayatollah of Rye-Ola!) -Horseradish -Mustard -Spicy sprouts -Knight's Vale cheese -Pat of mayo -REAL tomatoes- not the sad, tasteless cardboard grocery store tomatoes -and the kicker: a side of KIM-CHEE By the end of eating this sandwich I was on my knees whimpering "you win!... YOU WIN!" Only the creamy, disgustingly pungent Knight's Vale cheese added any sort of humility to this bold, bold sandwich. Did you know that the Koreans are investigating Kim Chee as a means of preventing bird flu? The theory is that kim chee properties could be integrated into household air filters. I dunno about killing bird flu viruses, but this kim chee certainly broke up any internal psychological stagnation within me. Here's an approximation of my facial expressions as worked my way through the horseradish, mustard and kim chee. If I had added even a dill pickle to this monstrosity, I surely would have puckered up and imploded. Kim chee is magick.