FRITOLAYSIA CUTS OFF CHIPLOMATIC RELATIONS WITH SNACKISTAN

KARUNCHI, SNAKISTAN—Citing crumbling relations due to years of protracted french-onion diplomacy, the president of the Central Asian doritocracy Fritolaysia withdrew the country's ambassadors from Snakistan Monday. Enlarge ImageFritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan "We have been supplying the people of Snakistan with pre-packaged consumable goods for over 40 years, and for them to show resistance to our savory products is unacceptable," Fritolaysian President Barbbaku Chedar said, referring to Snakistani officials' unwillingness to adhere to Fritolaysia's zesty new initiative introduced during a between-meals conference at last week's international-trading summit held in München, Germany. "Fritolaysia has no choice but to crumple up and throw away all chiplomatic ties with the greedy, gluttonous government of Snakistan," Chedar added. Relations between the two countries grew stale in 1994, when Fritolaysian rufflelutionaries crossed zestablished borders and forced Snakistan to dispatch cheesekeeping forces. The late-night SALTY talks held at Snakistan's Kuler Ranch, however, cooled the spicy conflict with the signing of the historic Buttermilk Compromise, which established bilateral chiplomacy and regulated trade flows by setting the international Rold Gold standard of currency. The dispute over increased prices and decreased serving sizes escalated when Snakistan, swayed by the influence of the nation's healthiest 1 percent, signed a historic fat-free-trade agreement with the Yogurtslavian nation of Colombo. Preparing for a long and grueling war of nutrition, Fritolaysia imposed trade snacktions and set up a blockade of Snakistan's major ports, cutting off their commerce with Yumen, Mmmmadagascar, and the Chex Republic. Enlarge ImageFritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan According to internoshonal-relations expert Grady Freedman, Snakistan's reliance on, and craving for, Fritolaysia's delicious exports will likely force their chargé d'éclaires to re-establish ties with Fritolaysia's government and draw up a late-night treaty. "The only option besides bowing to Fritolaysia's demands is to begin trading with the extreme funyunmentalist people of Utzonia," Freedman said, referring to the Blandinavian nation that offers similar but less-satisfying goods for cheaper exchange rates. "But deals with the Utzonians always leave a funny taste in your mouth." With much of his country fearing that the rift with Snakistan could lead to a family-size conflict, Snakistan's President Ghulam Murtaza Pringle, whose pork-rind-barrel legislation and 2002 negotiations with international spambassadors earned him the Hormel Peace Prize, said his country cannot live without a strong, flavorful relationship with Snakistan. "I am sending hundreds of chiplomats to Fritolaysia in the hopes that something can be worked out," Pringle said. "Even if we have to dig in and get our hands a little greasy, we aim to hunker down, preferably on a couch." Cut & Pasted from TheOnion.com - because this is the funniest thing I have ever read.

HOW I MET YOUR VEGGIE BURGER MOTHER

VEGGIE BURGERS W/ MUSHROOMS; SIDE-O-PICKLE; SALAD W/ FETA CHEESE KJJ: Inside the darkest lair of veggie burger innards lays a landscape so vast, so hideous looking, so full of mushroomy goodness that no woman can resist EATING THE HELL OUT OF IT. The only reason I didnt eat two is because Dyonisus called and he wants his gluttony back. Sorry chief! JRW: It even had that Replicant-Burger taste! Best brand, by far. And the mushrooms! Oh, those little chewy yummy caps! Man couldn't resist either, and we both contemplated Round 2, but this way, we get to have them again, and you will get to read about them again. And we might even say the same things about them. Again. KJJ: Oh yeah... the salad. Cause that, like, makes up for the pork chops yesterday? JRW: Paper beats rock. Rock beats scissor. Lettuce beats pig. KJJ: Aerial view. That burger is actually 60 feet in diameter. ... Or should I say... "dinnermeter"? JRW: You forgot the best part: a pile of vitamins, and those little hazlenut chocolates. Did we eat all those little things? They were good.

PORQUE CHOP

SWEET MINT & MUSTARD PORK CHOPS WITH MUSHROOMS, APPLES & ONIONS; SAUTEED GARLIC SUGAR SNAP PEAS; BROWN RICE; "FRUIT & NUT" SPINACH SALAD WITH GARLIC FLAX OIL & VINEGAR DRESSING, APPLES, SOY NUTS, SUNFLOWER SEEDS & PUMPKIN SEEDS. KJJ: Victory over vegetariansism. Sigh. Step one- look for lamb chops in the HEB and discover they are indeed $13.99 each. Decide instead on pork chops. Remember uncomfortably that PIGS (not "porks") are super f**king intelligent - as smart as a 3 year old toddler - and that mom says never to eat them. Tragically, we purchase and marinate these chops. Marinade: -Licken of mint sauce (not jelly - it should be thin) -Smidgen of mustard (or as I call it, "moootard") -Dashen of olive oil (oil of olives) -Bumpen of worstechesterrsherhsireshire sauce -Salt n pep Taste the marinade, it should be mindblowing yet experimental. I have never in my life made pork chops before, yet our downstairs neighbour ALSO made porkchops last night??? WEIRD. Results: Mushrooms and apples that had sauteed along with the chops were flippin' incredible. They were all partly brown and seared, so juicy inside with all the flavours. Good grief those were good. Garlic sugar snap peas with a teeny tiny touch of soy sauce were simple and fresh and delicious. Has a dinosaur ever told you he loves you and loves Sunday dinner? Well... I love you, and I love Sunday dinner. JRW: Wait. there was a dinosaur? I missed this part. It must have taken place when I was leaned back, eyes closed, thinking about how wonderful the marinade made everything taste. This was one of my favorite dinners in a while, the flavors all just worked well together. The peas were crisp, crisp and snappy. Like a dapper English gentleman. And mushrooms are slowly creeping up to take the lead over cheese in the race to my heart. Well, maybe not. That's almost blasphemy. I digress. The point is, food is a marvelous, wonderful thing, pigs is smart, and we love Sunday dinner. And dinosaurs.

THANKSGIVING TYMES II

POT ROAST BEEF WITH VEGETABLES! CARROT LEEK SOUP!! GREEK SALAD!!! PECAN PIE!!!! BAKED APPLE!!!!! KJJ: Here is our pot-roast before we put it in the oven. JRW: The big secret here was this wicked rub some friends made as gifts at their wedding. I've been secretly sitting...waiting...for the exact...moment...to...use it. The anticipation of that sentence had you perched on edge, didn't it? That's how I was, all day long. KJJ: After fussing over it and punishing it in the oven for 3 1/2 hours- it seemed to be a success! JRW: IT WAS THE RUB! KJJ: Above, the spicy carrot, leek, celery and potato soup. Very simple: simmer all the veggies in broth for about 20 mins, then run through the blender and add seasoning. JRW: The rub would've be weird to use here, obviously, but you know...I'm just THINKING about it. KJJ: Above, the tableau of deliciousness. I can't believe we ate an entire pot-roast. The Greek Salad was actually really good, the trick is to make it before dinner, let it sit in the fridge and crisp while the seasoning and oils *slightly* marinate the feta. JRW: GAME ON. KJJ: Our wine, pecan pie and baked apple. Baked apple is so simple: cut it in half, pour maple syrup and cinnamon over it and put 'er in the oven for 20 mins at 350c. Right before serving sprinkle with a bit of sugar. It is a nice warm desert. JRW: Thanksgiving turned, from a disaster of epic and ill-conceived, plan-wrecked proportions, into a Festivus miracle, all wrapped up nicely with a piece of pie, just like on the TV shows.

CHOMPERS

HOMEMADE CARROT, CELERY, LEEK & POTATO SOUP; GRILLED CHICKEN; STEAMED GREEN BEANS; ROMAINE SALAD; STRAWBERRRRRIES!!

REGENERATION MEALTIME

SPLIT-PEA SOUP; SPINACH SALAD WITH SWEET FLAX OIL & MUSTARD DRESSING; BLACK RUSSIAN RYE BREAD; ORANGES! KJJ: Where the hell have we been? Making ourselves sick with shitty soba poverty noodles and getting so hungry we're forced to eat Dan's hamburgers and Taco Shack. Give my regrets to my immune system. Tell it to come back though- because I braved the limping yuppie Americans at the market on Thanksgiving to bring home some foodables- some of which are prepared above. I got really cranky right before I ate this, which is weird cause I'm in a good mood, I think I was just really hungry. The salad is a mix of spinach and red romaine lettuce, with cucumbers, flax oil, balsamic vinegar, red-wine vinegar and mustard dressing. The Black Russian bread was nearly warm when I purchased it. It is the sweetest, darkest, most insanely awesome bread I have found round these parts. I always think of that Trail of Dead song when I eat it. Theres something about shlepping a grocery cart to your car that, as a woman, sure makes you feel like a middle-aged loser. Hook 'em horns. JRW: CAROUSEL! CAROUSEL!

CHOWDER OF THE DAMNED

POTATO VEGETABLE CHOWDER; TOAST & CHEESE KJJ: We had a visitor stay with us and we ate our way through Austin. It was so damn good. We ate until it hurt. And basically, now that our visitor is gone, I think we are just sad and punishing ourselves with rice and soups and jam-less jam-bars. We miss you MJJ- come back! JRW: It just hit me, all this soup and rice and stuff. I got weak and wobbly. But, it's good. This soup had a nice, light onion flavour, and the little chunks of potato were a pleasant surprise. I think the key, obviously, was the parsley from the new garden. And lots of pepper. I just had some more, and it tasted even better today.

THE POPE AND THE DALAI LAMA WALK INTO A BAR...

RICE W/ SOY SAUCE; BORSCHT KJJ: The Pope orders the borscht and the Dalai Lama orders the rice! BWAHAHAHAH-- and by Pope, I mean the dead Polish one, God bless his soul. In Austin there is room for all faiths. On our makeshift dinner table there is room for all cuisines. And sometimes we serve them all together. Cause we lazy and poor! KJJ: Goddammit white rice w/ soy sauce is f'ing GOOD. Seriously. Grain of Strength! JRW: There's something amazing to me about freezing a soup for a month, and then, when inspiration and motivation are shrinking violets, thawing it from it's cryogenic embryo for an even better showing than it originally made! Amazing, this technology...and the last minute, scramble-produced rice is a nice filling adddition. These are the salad days, true, and this is better than microwave burritos. By the way, i like how KJJ REVERSED the photos on this post. GENIUS! Keeps you on your toes.

CARBO LOADING

YE OLDE COCKNEY FRIED EGG SAMMY & CHIPS; JAM-LESS JAM BAR KJJ: Above- the dinner of a man cooking for himself. He just fries em up and naturally is very satisfied with his meal. So satisfied he lets everyone around know how satisfied he is with his self-made fried egg sandwich and chips for one. JRW: Sit down, and let me spin you a tale about a man. A man who used to live in a teeny little apartment with a teeny little kitchen where he cooked HUGE meals, but had no one to cook them for. He experimented with wonderul flavors, quick bursts of static culinary excitement. It was a brave new world to the man, made exciting by both his failures and successes. But each meal took longer than the last, and as he got braver, he got more anxious and ended up taking forever and cursing like a sailor (or so he was told). Dude. I need to get back in the kitchen. Fried egg sandwiches are good and all, but... KJJ: Above- a jam-less jam bar from a nameless coffee establishment. Usually they are so good. Where's the jam? WHERE'S THE JAM? I was so dissapointed with my dinner (yep, dinner) that i listened to Sgt Peppers Jam-less Lonely Jambar Band all night and burned the rest of this jam-bar right back to Jamabama at the bottom of a lake and sadness and then cry all night with the tears. JRW: WHOA! And, for the record, that's all she wanted-I didn't "cheat" her out of a wonderful fried egg sandwich.

CROUCHING PASTA HIDDEN FETA

WHOLE WHEAT ORGANIC PENNE PASTA WITH ZUCHINNI, GREEN PEPPER AND FETA TOMATO SAUCE KJJ: That feta is glowing. Because it feels beautiful. Beautiful and tasty on my bowl of pasta. JRW: Sauce, good. Feta, WONDERFUL. I love cheeese, it's no secret. I discovered feta on greek salads from Milto's, a little Greek place that also does pasta. One of the pivotal points in my life. FOR REALZ. I think from this point on, any tomato sauce is going to include chunks of feta.

FREEWAY SASHIMI

MMMMmmmmm..... KJJ: May I speak candidly about this sushi? May I be totally honest? It was great. It was some of the best fish and presentation I've seen and tasted in ages. Why did it have to be so expensive? Oh well. The sashimi was incredible. This was no old, cheap frozen, pre-cut fish. This was heavenly. Why can't sashimi be vegetarian? The colour and texture of all of this was amazing. Goddammit all I've accomplished by typing this post is now I want to go out for sashimi and sushi like right now and have more more more more..... JRW:This was a total gamble, and it paid off...BIG TIME. Except, it was a little expensive. The sushi was really fresh though, and had some tasty touches I've never encountered, like the roasted garlic garnish. Also, be sure to note the sashimi is wrapped to resemble ROSES. Totally Sweet: Fish Flowers! We topped it off with the greatest desserts ever-have you ever had TEMPURA ICE CREAM? We were working under certain conditions which made it awkard to take more pics, but let me assure you, our one dear reader, it was magnificent. Special shout out goes to MJJ (our one dear reader) for hooking it up. WORD. I think we're gonna have to come back here for their sushi happy hour.

BUFFET MODERNE URBAN PEASANT

STARRING 5 KINDS OF CHEESE IN A ROMANTIC COMEDY FEEL GOOD DINNER OF THE YEAR! Swiss Cheese Fontina Cheese Smoked Munster Cheese Harvest Cheese Yummy Rotten Amish Mold Cheese... JRW: I'll ruin the plot here, they all lived happily ever after...IN MY HAPPY GUT. I could eat this once a week for the rest of my life. Man, that would dominate.

THE VEGETARIAN CHILITYVILLE HORROR

BLACK BEAN CHILI; HOME-MADE CARROT BREAD; CHEESE SAMPLER KJJ: This was a nice meal. Home-made carrot bread was actually quite cake-like. An unusual recipe from a Texas Hill Country Cookbook put out by some old bitties in the 70s. I can verify that there is a Lady Bird Johnson recipe in there. Not a recipe FOR her, but BY her. Did you know that Johnson City didn't even have a name before it became Johnson City? Really makes you think. You are looking at my bowl of chili, with yogurt and cilantro on top. JRW refuses these toppings. He is lactose indifferent. The cheese sampler was really just a premonition for things to come. JRW: Your offer is tempting But it's not what it seems You take advantage Of everyone else's dreams You create the perfect picture By dressing up the scene Trust our hopes and lives To your death machines Your point is not well taken Because that's not what it means I will refuse! (Those toppings) KJJ: ... Did you... just quote a PAILHEAD verse... on our.... FOOD BLOG?? Hahaha!

B. D. RILEYS SLOOWWW COOKED FISH'N'BATTER N'BATTER N'BATTER N'CHIPS

FISH & CHIPS PRESENTED BY B.D. RILEY'S IRISH PUB JRW: BATTER UP! Seriously, doesn't that look just so damn RIGHT? Imagine, you're sitting at a pub on a balmy November day, the windows are open to the street. You hear the sounds of busses rumbling, horns honking, people talking as they walk by. A tour group across the street files out of an old historic building which houses a convenience/Texas gift store, called by the sound of the tour guide's duck call to get back in the amphibious vehicle they're going to eventually drive into the town river. You look around inside the old style pub, at all the quaint tell-tale details: the guinness sign, the rugby pennants, the dart board, the 4 plasma tvs showing NFL...you're sipping a BLOODY MARY...and a pint...talking about Copenhagen and splashing malt vinegar onto the lovely battery cod, all while the pub owner's telling the table next to you about how they had to get their fish Fed-Exed one time...really though, it was an awesome Sunday afternoon in Austin that day. We're gonna do it again, for sure. KJJ: I balls out love fish and chips.

WHATABURGER: SPECIAL NIGHT-TIME ROOFTOP PARKADE PICNIC EDITION

SATURDAY NIGHT BURGER; FREEDOM FRIES; CHICKEN-RANCH PEPPERCORN DANCE DANCE DISASTER FIASCO COMBO KJJ: Nothing like driving up to the top floor of an empty downtown parkade one Saturday night to lay out a picnic in the back of your car complete with the most heinous yet delicious yet heinous yet delicious yet seriously heinous fast-food combo. USA! USA! USA! JRW: Check out that burger action. We were gonna eat at the Whataburger, but thed place was busting at the seams with deaf high school kids, so we decided to find a more tranquil locale to enjoy this fine meal. I could think of no seting more befitting our culinary choice-I wanted us to have a view of the stars. Plus, when else are we going to test out the weird table-thing in the back of our car? KJJ: I had the Whatachicken Peppercorn Ranch combo because they've been advertising it so damn much on the teevee. It was ridiculous. Thats all I can really say about it. Ridiculous. The ketchup was f'ing awesome on those fries. God almighty I do love ketchup. I guess this combo is great for the kind of people that buy, like, bacon bits and actually dig the taste of bacon bits and ranch dressing. Why did I order this? I really hate ranch dressing. Its so gross. The good thing about this burger was that it was decently peppered. Good pepper performance. The other good thing was when my companion said "you don't have to eat the rest of that." JRW: I plays it safe. Burger, no tomato, no mayo. No bird flu for me, thanks kindly. No, I'll just risk some MAD COW. The fries were very good, not too starchy. KJJ: The scene on the rooftop. I found that My Little Pony downtown the other night. JRW does not let me display it to the public, so I used it as a centerpiece for our evening picnic. We were regretting this meal before we even got to the club. Much like you should be regretting ever having read this "blog". JRW: We went to see a band called ADULT. but we ate like KIDS.

TUNA MELT FOR TWO: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

TUNA MELT & HOME-FRIES KJJ: Dang y'all, why its gotta be so hot up in here all the time? Why its gotta be 30 degrees celcius my whole life in November? Why I gotta make something that requires the oven to be on? Answer: because it tastes so dang tasty!! Can you see the happy face in the ketchup? Thats because I'm happy. Happy to be eating tuna melts with my dude on a Sunday night, sweating to death in Texas. JRW: How much does life rule? I think this says it all. Tuna filet melt with lots of celery and a wicked swiss cheese, homefries, pickle spears and oranges. it's like, everything is represented here. How smart and balanced are we? I mean, for real, this is like the WHOLE PYRAMID, the one they used to teach you about in elementary school, but now they don't because COCA COLA took over the FDA and gives kids little else to eat at school except crappy sugar until they balloon and get diabetes and then their fat parents wonder how their kids got so fat, too, then blame it all on genetics. Dude. I just went OFF.

DEATH OF A CHEESE SALESMAN

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT BLEU CHEESE, PARMESAN CHEESE, DANISH FONTINA CHEESE, & HARVEST FARMERS CHEESE KJJ: There once was a pasta with a sauce of tomato I ate it immediately and boy was it great-o It had zucchinis in it and tasted so good I'm about to have leftovers and I knew that I would Sometimes you make this sauce when there is nothing else to eat But we need to remember, when done right its a treat With lots of special things to put in the sauce You are destined for a meal that is totally boss Cinnamon, cayenne, basil and olive oil Simmer it down after it reaches a boil Serve it with salad and dressing of bleu You will be happy and so too will your crew JRW: I can't even fade that song. It's just so correct. We have so much cheeese at our house right now, it's BANANAS. YOU HEAR THAT, GWEN?

VORTEX OF TOFU TASTE THE EVIL TASTE THE GOOD

CRISPY-FRIED MARINATED TOFU; UDON IN BONITO & MISO BROTH KJJ: You got your thing, I got mine. JRW: Whatever, it was GOOD. I ate KJ to the J's, as well. The tofu was perfect, fried crisp, yet still juicy and texturous inside (is that a word? I just made that up!). Great flavor, methinks (methought? DAMN COMMUNITY COFFEE). Also, the best part of his meal was left out, but I imagine it will pop it's cheesy little head out again really soon in ye olde blog. KJJ: I'm glad one of us liked this meal. I mildly enjoyed the tofu, which was marinated in tamari and rice wine vinegar, but would have liked it more on a bed of nice soft rice. The problem here was pre-packaged bonito stock which gave the noodles a repulsive fish flavour. I adjusted this recipe before serving: the udon, according to the recipe, should have been served with lots of broth, kind of like a... wet, fishy, radishy, soupy, overcooked carroty, noodle bowl... I tried to save the day by mixing a lot of miso into the noodles and draining them. Its hard to imagine the noodles tasting worse, but I guess they could have.

SILENCE!

KJJ: Oh man... we've been so quiet. And it all has to do with Community Coffee. This is the worst coffee known to man, and JRW accidentally purchased it. So things haven't been so good lately. Neither of us can get up out of bed and we've pretty much stopped bathing or feeding the fish. Out of the corner of my eye the other day I saw JRW just mumbling and looking up at the sky like help was gonna drop out of the clouds or something. I mostly spend the hours rolling around on the floor in the fetal position, stopping only occaisionally to cut myself and stare hatefully at the bag of shitty shitty Community Coffee. I want an answer.... to WHY? WHY would a company sell this to us? We are but well meaning Austin apartment dwellers. So thats my excuse as to why we havent been able to update. I guess things will change soon, but I'm not sure how. In the meantime, I will leave you with the writing of a very emotionally charged internet user by the name of Immoral Tangent. I'm pretty sure thats his nickname, not his real name. He talks in his internet posts of food and eating, so its sort of relevant. I think he's really capturing "something" in his writing: "so i was leaning on the sink this morning, as i usually do while brushing my teeth, and the grout or whatever that shit is that glued it to the wall let loose, and now the sink isnt connected to the wall, which kinda sucks. glad we have a landlord instead of owning this place. the show last night was pretty cool... armor for sleep wasnt as good as i was hoping, partly because they only played one song from the first album, but to my surprise, FATA was really good. i was expecting them to suck, but they played pretty much 4 songs from each album, so it was a nice balance and they were into it. their bassist was annoying as hell though, saying stupid shit into the mic between songs. i've gotten addicted to chilled cappuccinos in the last week.. so easy to dump mix, water and ice into a blender. had to make a special trip out tonight to pick up more. while i was looking for random other beverages, i came across a "self heating" container of rich carmel latte, which i got just to try it out. i guess thatll be my "breakfast" tomorrow morning. maybe karim can explain the chemical reaction that makes it work, cuz i saw a feature on fox news about this product but i wasnt paying attention. so the inevitable finally happened... i've been pushin my luck since the beginning of the school year, wearing my last pair of contacts with no backups, and today in class my eye started bothering me, so i started rubbing it, and long story short, the contact came out, unfortunately split in half. class ended at 12:15, so i hauled ass to the busstop, got to the house, threw on my glasses and hopped back on a bus to get to my 1 pm class about 7 min late. no back up contacts means i have to wear my goddamn glasses, which, while at least they arent emo glasses, i really dont like. they probably arent that bad from an external point of view, but i dont like them. i think my sister and i are close in prescriptions so i had my dad mail me one of her contacts until i can get an eye appointment. wont get here before tomorrow afternoon at the earliest, so its glasses for at least the next day. i'm just hoping that the other half of the contact isnt still lodged in my eye socket somewhere. that would severely suck to get an eye infection. hit white castle on the way out of town... huge mistake. i had 3 burgers last night and it upset my stomach really bad, and then i had the last 2 this morning and it did the same thing. so no more white castle for me."